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MIA Father...How to answer a 3yr old where her father is???

My kid has seen her father a few times but it doesn't seem he will be around for a while, who knows. But I need to know how to explain to my kid where her biological father is? Or do I not say anything? I don't really know what to say since 1. I want to make sure what I say doesn't negatively affect her because I had a "sperm donor" that diched his kids to live a stressfree life and left his ex to deal with all his kids on her own. 2. I don't know if my childs biological father will resurface in her life because nothing was really agreed upon the last time we spoke. But she has been asking for a while. I don't want to talk negatively about him because she should be allowed to make up her mind about him and two I feel like she shouldn't have to deal with the negative feelings. She is three and I'm lost as far as telling her he lives close just chooses not to be a part of your life. I thought about the," your father died in battle" and all those lines BUT the truth always comes out and I'd rather her know Mommy always was truthful with me than her feel like she has no one she can trust. I'm so lost with what to tell her that won't cause a wound that will take forever to heal or may never heal. Advice???



Thank you
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by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:44 AM
Replies (31-40):
LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 3:14 PM

 I hadn't really had the talk about different families but definitely seems like a good start. Thank you!


Quoting victoriahearts:

I agree with the other ladies, I had this same problem with my ex, he worked too much and didn't make time to see our son. Be honest but simple in your response, not give long explanations because they don't really understand and acknowledge that knowing her father may not visit for a long time makes her sad but whenever she feels that way she should come to you and you will cheer her because you are her mom and you don't want to see her sad. Now may also be a good time to talk about your family being different as well, how some families just have one parent in it and that makes you a special family. 


 

Lurion
by Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 3:35 PM
1 mom liked this

Believe me, I've cried my eyes out, too. I've genuinely and with an open heart, tried to understand how men are "wired differently" so as not to care about their own children. Especially since you hear so many say how deeply hurt they are about their own fathers not being so connected.  

My daughter's father was/is actually a really good guy. Attorney, Army officer, seems to have a good marriage and 2 other kids with his wife. To my core, I don't get it. There was no deception going on, he knew I wasn't on BC and wanted a baby. He pressured me to have an abortion or place her for adoption and uses that as his excuse not to be part of her life--that he never really wanted her. He is bitter that he had to pay a token amount of child support for 18 years.

When I hear women on CM casually plotting to exclude their kids' BD from their lives 'cause he's a bit of a pain in the a**, it makes me so sad.

Best of luck to you and your little one. My girl turned out just great, btw. Graduating from college this spring, a beautiful, intelligent, caring young woman. No thanks to her dad. lol 


Quoting LaBelladreamer:

"When she was 6 she burst out bawling and said "well, if he's such a great guy, why did he leave me without a daddy?" This breaks my heart.

I know more and more and she begins to understand and I'm dreading the day I see her bawl her little eyes out because of this. I tried reaching out one last time and I told him be there and stay in her life. My sperm donor (my biological father) was in and out of my life and it affected me. I get that I can't chose the kind of father he is but I don't see how hard it is to stay in a child's life, especially seeing how he has other children he is raising. I'd rather him not give her cards because to me it would only be a reminder of him not being there. The family did take a while but they came around but I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Hoping it is good but at least she knows I didn't keep her away from anyone.

And Thank you for the advice! Send hugs back your way

 

Quoting Lurion:

Don't tell her he died for sure! 

Very wise: I'd rather her know Mommy always was truthful with me than her feel like she has no one she can trust.

No matter what you tell her, she will feel his absence. :(

I told dd that someone helped me make her and that he was a really great guy and he lives in _____. 

Then I gave her all kinds of crap about how there are different kinds of families, some with a mommy and daddy some with a grandma, etc. etc. 

When she was 6 she burst out bawling and said "well, if he's such a great guy, why did he leave me without a daddy?"

As she got older, she understood more but it doesn't hurt any less. I got married when she was 6 and thought he would be "daddy." Not so simple.

You can just be honest and say you don't understand why he does what he does, because she is the biggest joy of your life and you can't imagine a day without her. 

Nothing you say will take away the hurt. If you are in contact with him, I'd try to talk to him. Maybe he's comfortable with at least a Christmas and birthday card? Does anyone in his family have any interest at all? Even the grandma? 

Lots of hugs your way. 





LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 3:36 PM

I'm not sure how I'd handle that question. I would say be honest as you can be in that kind of circumstance.

Rchipp
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 4:09 PM
1 mom liked this

I always tell my son, 8, that his father wasn't ready to be a father so he gave my son to me to take care of b/c he knew I would do the best job that I could. Although my son's father signed away his parental rights when he was born so he didn't have to pay child support. Seems to work for us but everyone is different.

brieri
by Platinum Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 5:32 PM
1 mom liked this

The very words to use are "I don't know".  Reason:  You don't know and you are being positive with that.  If he comes back into her life, he will have to explain his reasons why he hasn't been seeing her and he tell her himself. 

LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 7:23 PM
1 mom liked this
I've tried to be understanding about his situation or point of view but really I can never begin to comprehend how you could turn your back on one of your children, especially with being a father already and knowing an absent father yourself. But hey your story for your daughter has a happy ending and I'm hoping my kid has one too! I'm so glad I posted my question because I got some great responses.


Quoting Lurion:

Believe me, I've cried my eyes out, too. I've genuinely and with an open heart, tried to understand how men are "wired differently" so as not to care about their own children. Especially since you hear so many say how deeply hurt they are about their own fathers not being so connected.  

My daughter's father was/is actually a really good guy. Attorney, Army officer, seems to have a good marriage and 2 other kids with his wife. To my core, I don't get it. There was no deception going on, he knew I wasn't on BC and wanted a baby. He pressured me to have an abortion or place her for adoption and uses that as his excuse not to be part of her life--that he never really wanted her. He is bitter that he had to pay a token amount of child support for 18 years.

When I hear women on CM casually plotting to exclude their kids' BD from their lives 'cause he's a bit of a pain in the a**, it makes me so sad.

Best of luck to you and your little one. My girl turned out just great, btw. Graduating from college this spring, a beautiful, intelligent, caring young woman. No thanks to her dad. lol 



Quoting LaBelladreamer:

"When she was 6 she burst out bawling and said "well, if he's such a great guy, why did he leave me without a daddy?" This breaks my heart.


I know more and more and she begins to understand and I'm dreading the day I see her bawl her little eyes out because of this. I tried reaching out one last time and I told him be there and stay in her life. My sperm donor (my biological father) was in and out of my life and it affected me. I get that I can't chose the kind of father he is but I don't see how hard it is to stay in a child's life, especially seeing how he has other children he is raising. I'd rather him not give her cards because to me it would only be a reminder of him not being there. The family did take a while but they came around but I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Hoping it is good but at least she knows I didn't keep her away from anyone.


And Thank you for the advice! Send hugs back your way


 


Quoting Lurion:


Don't tell her he died for sure! 


Very wise: I'd rather her know Mommy always was truthful with me than her feel like she has no one she can trust.


No matter what you tell her, she will feel his absence. :(


I told dd that someone helped me make her and that he was a really great guy and he lives in _____. 


Then I gave her all kinds of crap about how there are different kinds of families, some with a mommy and daddy some with a grandma, etc. etc. 


When she was 6 she burst out bawling and said "well, if he's such a great guy, why did he leave me without a daddy?"


As she got older, she understood more but it doesn't hurt any less. I got married when she was 6 and thought he would be "daddy." Not so simple.


You can just be honest and say you don't understand why he does what he does, because she is the biggest joy of your life and you can't imagine a day without her. 


Nothing you say will take away the hurt. If you are in contact with him, I'd try to talk to him. Maybe he's comfortable with at least a Christmas and birthday card? Does anyone in his family have any interest at all? Even the grandma? 


Lots of hugs your way. 









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LifeCafe42
by Nora on Jan. 21, 2013 at 11:42 PM
1 mom liked this
My son is 2 1/2 he said he didn't have a dad. I said he does and his father loves him but isn't ready to be a dad but there are lots of people that love him and he accepted that
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LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 11:17 AM

I feel like if I tell her he wasn't ready to be a Dad I would be lying. He already has children and is present in their lives, although I don't know what kind of father he is to them nor is it any of my business. I think he didn't make much of an effort because I didn't just hand him my child to take. I tried being as open and available as possible whenever he wanted to see her. I think possibly he doesn't want to be involved since it's not convenient enough for him and it would take time away from his other "commitments". He has also expressed to me that I got this so he know she will grow up good. I feel like I am lying when I say I don't know where he is. I have an exact adress and it's a very short drive from my place.

I have thought over and over if I should let him back in her life when he gets the feeling like he wants to see her . I feel as though I am giving her a consistent,stable, warm and loving home so by letting this Bio dad who wants to pop in and out when he feels the daddy itch to see his little girl, I am somehow hurting her. But maybe he won't pop back in her life until she is alot older and by then I would hope she is strong enough to make her own decision on the matter. I personally don't have anything to do with my own sperm donor (Bio father) but that was my choice, not my moms. I'm trying not to make the same mistakes my parents made as far as being civil, it's hard sometimes because I know how much it hurt having a deadbeat father but I remind myself she has the right to grow up happy, healthy and to make up her own mind on who she think her bio father is.

LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 11:20 AM

On a lighter note...

I tried to have the different family talk with my 3year old...Didn't go so well because her attention was everywhere else so I just let it go for a time when she ask about her bio father. I'll just let her be a toddler and play LOL! But thanks to you ladies I have a start :) THANK YOU!

LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 7:33 AM
In my state they changed laws to give the father rights to be a part of her life no matter how long they have been MIA. Apparently many states favor the father being around regardless how long he has been MIA.If it were up to just me I wouldn't let him back in her life because so far what I have seen he doesn't stay in her life. But she can decide when she gets older. And agree 100% with you on the badmouthing.


Quoting Pessema:

No matter what you tell her there will eventually be pain. It's unavoidable. It is better to tell her the truth, but only when she starts asking & you are right for not wanting to talk negatively about him. That will only hurt your image later. My mother had to explain it to me when I was young, it hurt in jr high & that was about it because she was honest & assured me it wasn't my fault. I would just tell her that he's not there because he didn't want a family. Later when she is older you can explain a little more when she asks. You also need to decide now if you are going to let him reappear (which will be a mistake if hes not there to stay.) It will be much harder to explain why he wasn't there then he came back & left again.  Also if he doesn't do anything to help for a year  I believe he no longer would have rights (check the laws in your state) and get him on child abandonment. 


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