Don't Call My Child "Spoiled Rotten" *Vent* (Kinda Long) (Updated)

[naturALYme]

So the guy I'm kinda dating has told me that my son is "spoiled rotten" a few times. He has a little girl who is about a year younger than my son. I almost feel like he compares our kids and that's how he's coming to that conclusion. But the truth of the matter is that their situations are NOTHING alike. In fact, her situation is tons better in my opinion. I'll give a couple examples of when he's said it and my argument against it.

 

A few weeks ago, I was at his house and he pointed to his daughter's toys and says "You see how many toys she has? Zion is spoiled rotten. He has too many toys." His daughter has two homes to go to... my son has one. She has four grandparents and one step-grandmother to visit... he has one. There's no telling how many toys she really has. And, besides that, about 90% of the toys that Zion has were given to me for him to have. I have no money for toys. I barely have money for new clothes (I would say about 80-85% of his clothes were given).

 

Last night was the last time he said it. Zion is very difficult to get to sleep and has been for most of his life. For about a week or so, it's been a bit extreme (I may post about that later for some advice). I called him after Zion fell sleep and he says "So are you holding Zion?" (by the way, I can't remember the last time I held Zion at bedtime). I said "No... he's been crazy at bedtime lately". I was about to explain to him what's been going on but before I could finish my statement, he says "Zion is spoiled rotten! Just put him in bed and let him cry!". This is when I got upset. I said "You keep saying that I spoil him and you don't even know what the hell I do with him!"... then he hung up on me (I assume for raising my voice). He's never witnessed me put my son to bed. At bedtime, I take him to his room, we pray, I give him a hug and a kiss, say goodnight and lay him down. Zion gets out of bed numerous time before falling asleep. Each time, I put him back in bed, say goodnight and walk out. 

 

I find it extremely offensive to tell someone that they're child is spoiled especially when you've hardly had a chance to see them interact with their child. I am truly trying my best for Zion. I am a single mom with no help from his father. I just moved to a new state and have no family or friends around to help out. And I don't make much money. This week, I had to deny my child something as simple as a grilled cheese sandwich a few times because I didn't have enough money to buy cheese until I got paid. And somehow, you think that I spoil him??

I texted him and let him know that I found it offensive. He apparently thinks that I "took it the wrong way and ran with it".  Am I wrong for feeling offended by that?

 

Update: We're done. *sigh of relief* He texted me this morning and said "I think it's best we don't talk anymore. You're a great person and I don't feel I truly make you happy and I don't want to hold you back from finding someone who will."

[GI_Jane230]

I am in a similar situation also, but my children are older.  My daughters are 12 and 15 and my bf thinks they are spoiled and that I give them too much freedom.  I don't smother my kids, but they do have rules.  My bf is convinced that my 15 year old is just running around wild, but he doesn't know that I check up on her when she is out.  I never let her go anywhere with people I don't know, I frequently "swing by" places she says she is at to make sure she is there (without her knowledge).  He has gotten to the point where he won't even come to my house because he doesn't like her friends.  I am offended that he not only thinks I am a bad parent, but he thinks my kids are rotten.  Like you, I am not sure what to do either.  But I  am strongly leaning towards moving on.  We have other issues, too, and I stayed in a bad marraige for 15 years, and I have already put nearly 2 years into this relationship. 

I'm sorry I didn't mean to make this post about me.  I was only sharing my story with you to say I know how you feel.  It is ultimately your decision, but if he is making you feel bad then it may be better to move on.  You deserve someone who makes you feel good not bad. 

[LizzyPookey1248]

I don't think my two are spoiled, they are both very blessed.

Quoting MommysTimeOut5:

By the way your kids are not spoiled....they are blessed or lucky if you are not religious to have someone that LOVES their children 

Quoting LizzyPookey1248:

it isn't his place to say that your child is spoiled. I have a situation pretty similar. My DD goes to her grandmas all the time and has a ton of toys there so she doesn't have as many toys here but DS has alot of toys here bc he goes nowhere else. (they have different dads)



I have had people tell me my kids are spoiled they are not. I'm a single mom too so I know how it is.



If you really want to be with the guy just tell him look my child is mine not yours let me raise him how I see fit. If he doesn't like it he obviously isn't ready to be in a relationship with a strong determined single mom such as you.

[naturALYme]

Thank you! I agree! We haven't even been dating for a very long time. If he's throwing out red flags now, there's no way it's going to get better. Funny thing is that at the beginning of the year, I prayed about having a life partner and I asked God to make it evident if he wasn't the right man for my and Zion's life. I'm taking that as my sign.

Quoting Rosalind2012:

Hi there. My friend and I were just talking about this sort of thing tonight, how people can really insult a single mom by making comments like these because we as the single moms are the only ones really raising our kids! Sometimes these comments can seem critical of us, in particular, and when these comments  come from the fathers, who come into the kids' lives for short visits, it's even more maddening. I asked my husband to leave the house this past October, in part because he was overly critical / hard on my kids (we have 2 together) and tended to indulge his own kids. He always had LOTS to say about my kids and how I had raised them, but when it came to his own kids, they could do no wrong, and were never disciplined. When I read your post, I thought, "uh oh, it will only get worse" because if he's making comments now, just wait until he one day lives under the same roof as your son. In my experience, it seemed that my husband always had something to pick on my daughter about, until I had to make a decision: either put her self-esteem at risk for the sake of a relationship with an arrogant jerk, or show her that she was important and not all the things he was complaining she was. I think you are making the right decision to end it now. You don't want someone picking on you and your son's behaviour, especially when they have not seen how you actually parent. It could really end up hurting your son. What I learned about step parents is, noone is going to love your child like you do, and if they do, they are rare. Hold out for the rare one who does love and respect both you and your child.

[naturALYme]

Thank you! I know there's nothing wrong with the hand-me-downs. I'm blessed to have people in my life who think of me when their children outgrow toys and clothes.

Quoting MommysTimeOut5:

HELL NO!!!!!!! (excuse my language) He is probably trying to make you feel bad because you have stuff that he can't get for his daughter. If he can't accept a healthy positive relationship between you and your son then he has a really big problem. Hats off to you for doing your thang without much help and ain't nothing wrong with your baby getting toys that belong to someone else as long as he is happy with what he has it doesn't matter where it came from. You are a GREAT mom!!!!!!!!!!

[naturALYme]

Don't apologize for that. It's good to hear from other people who have been in similar situations. Like you, he and I have other issues. I think I've reached my tolerance limit.

Quoting GI_Jane230:

I am in a similar situation also, but my children are older.  My daughters are 12 and 15 and my bf thinks they are spoiled and that I give them too much freedom.  I don't smother my kids, but they do have rules.  My bf is convinced that my 15 year old is just running around wild, but he doesn't know that I check up on her when she is out.  I never let her go anywhere with people I don't know, I frequently "swing by" places she says she is at to make sure she is there (without her knowledge).  He has gotten to the point where he won't even come to my house because he doesn't like her friends.  I am offended that he not only thinks I am a bad parent, but he thinks my kids are rotten.  Like you, I am not sure what to do either.  But I  am strongly leaning towards moving on.  We have other issues, too, and I stayed in a bad marraige for 15 years, and I have already put nearly 2 years into this relationship. 

I'm sorry I didn't mean to make this post about me.  I was only sharing my story with you to say I know how you feel.  It is ultimately your decision, but if he is making you feel bad then it may be better to move on.  You deserve someone who makes you feel good not bad. 

[mommy_2_be_2010]

Bump

[librarywizard]

To be honest, I don't think this guy is the right one for you. Hold your head up mama. I think you are better off without him.

[Rosalind2012]

Good for you! I wish I would have had your insight and strength when I saw the red flags. Now, I'm a single parent again, with 5 kids... (sigh). Oh well, they say everything happens for a reason, and I did learn something from that experience! :)

[myloves.050709]

Sounds like a dude you shouldn't be with.  There is obviously some type of issue he has with your child and i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that didn't like my child.

[quickbooksworm]

That behavior would be a deal breaker for me. I won't tolerate someone insulting me or my child. Spoiled isn't saying you provide enough or too much for him. It means a brat who throws a fit when he doesn't get his way. My son gets a lot of extras but is extremely well behaved so if someone told me I was spoiling and pointed every little thing out that was spoiling him, he'd be gone. I don't live under a parenting skills microscope.

Just curious, how is he with his child?