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Don't Call My Child "Spoiled Rotten" *Vent* (Kinda Long) (Updated)

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So the guy I'm kinda dating has told me that my son is "spoiled rotten" a few times. He has a little girl who is about a year younger than my son. I almost feel like he compares our kids and that's how he's coming to that conclusion. But the truth of the matter is that their situations are NOTHING alike. In fact, her situation is tons better in my opinion. I'll give a couple examples of when he's said it and my argument against it.

 
A few weeks ago, I was at his house and he pointed to his daughter's toys and says "You see how many toys she has? Zion is spoiled rotten. He has too many toys." His daughter has two homes to go to... my son has one. She has four grandparents and one step-grandmother to visit... he has one. There's no telling how many toys she really has. And, besides that, about 90% of the toys that Zion has were given to me for him to have. I have no money for toys. I barely have money for new clothes (I would say about 80-85% of his clothes were given).
 
Last night was the last time he said it. Zion is very difficult to get to sleep and has been for most of his life. For about a week or so, it's been a bit extreme (I may post about that later for some advice). I called him after Zion fell sleep and he says "So are you holding Zion?" (by the way, I can't remember the last time I held Zion at bedtime). I said "No... he's been crazy at bedtime lately". I was about to explain to him what's been going on but before I could finish my statement, he says "Zion is spoiled rotten! Just put him in bed and let him cry!". This is when I got upset. I said "You keep saying that I spoil him and you don't even know what the hell I do with him!"... then he hung up on me (I assume for raising my voice). He's never witnessed me put my son to bed. At bedtime, I take him to his room, we pray, I give him a hug and a kiss, say goodnight and lay him down. Zion gets out of bed numerous time before falling asleep. Each time, I put him back in bed, say goodnight and walk out. 
 
I find it extremely offensive to tell someone that they're child is spoiled especially when you've hardly had a chance to see them interact with their child. I am truly trying my best for Zion. I am a single mom with no help from his father. I just moved to a new state and have no family or friends around to help out. And I don't make much money. This week, I had to deny my child something as simple as a grilled cheese sandwich a few times because I didn't have enough money to buy cheese until I got paid. And somehow, you think that I spoil him??

I texted him and let him know that I found it offensive. He apparently thinks that I "took it the wrong way and ran with it".  Am I wrong for feeling offended by that?
 
Update: We're done. *sigh of relief* He texted me this morning and said "I think it's best we don't talk anymore. You're a great person and I don't feel I truly make you happy and I don't want to hold you back from finding someone who will."
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:38 PM
Replies (31-40):
hargonagain
by Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 3:17 AM
1 mom liked this

I have had the same situation with two guys I dated when my son was younger.I am glad you stood up for yourself and your son!  Great job!  I adopted my son as a single mom and I was dating a guy with two kids of his own.  He was very critical of his daughters who were 5 and 13 at the time my son was 9months old. I was never into the cry it out method, I just don't like it.  He was very "hands off" with his own kids, didn't snuggle them or anything and couldn't understand why I would want to  rock or cuddle my 9 month old!   He also said that I "ruined" my son because I let my son sleep in my bed.  We ended our relationship after he threatened to backhand my son because he would not quit crying one day.  I will never choose a man over my son, EVER!

 Don't worry about some guy, guys come and guys go, do what is best for you and your child, you are doing a great job, imo!

Ridingsolo
by Bronze Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 7:26 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm glad you are done with him.  He doesn't respect you or your parenting, and that doesn't sound like it would make for a good long term relationship.

On a side note, my son is impossible to put to sleep as well.  He is 8 months old and never falls asleep on his own, but I don't believe in the cry it out method, so we are still struggling by here.  It can be tiring!

Lia678
by Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 7:44 AM
1 mom liked this
How awful for you that you have to defend your parenting to someone who sounds like doesn't really spend time with your son. The other problem I have with what your saying is that your boyfriend is allowed to insult you yet you are not given a chance to express yourself. In addition it is sad to me that you have to justify how you put your son to bed. Some kids need extra hugs and a cuddle before bed. Nothing wrong with it. Sounds like you are a wonderful mother! Keep on trekking!
lancet98
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 7:47 AM
1 mom liked this

I think that you guys are better off separate.

Your values and ideas are too different.   You wouldn't be able to get along.  

My guess would be that if the two of you were together, he'd be trying to dictate everything you do, not just how you care for your son.

Some kids are harder to get to bed than others.   I don't see anything wrong with how you're putting your little guy to bed.   Put 'em back in bed, leave the room, if possible, try to make that as 'neutral' as possible, so he isn't getting a lot of attention for getting out of bed.   Otherwise he might be doing it for the attention.

It's generally a small matter of opinion if one says someone else is spoiling their kids.   Most of these actions are within a normal range of what can produce a normal kid.   Small differences in parenting aren't really going to create serial killers or mass shooters.   I've seen kids raised very very different ways and they don't all go bad.

naturALYme
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 8:28 AM

Oh goodness! I can't believe he would say that! I'm glad you got out of that.


Quoting hargonagain:

I have had the same situation with two guys I dated when my son was younger.I am glad you stood up for yourself and your son!  Great job!  I adopted my son as a single mom and I was dating a guy with two kids of his own.  He was very critical of his daughters who were 5 and 13 at the time my son was 9months old. I was never into the cry it out method, I just don't like it.  He was very "hands off" with his own kids, didn't snuggle them or anything and couldn't understand why I would want to  rock or cuddle my 9 month old!   He also said that I "ruined" my son because I let my son sleep in my bed.  We ended our relationship after he threatened to backhand my son because he would not quit crying one day.  I will never choose a man over my son, EVER!

 Don't worry about some guy, guys come and guys go, do what is best for you and your child, you are doing a great job, imo!



naturALYme
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 8:31 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't have a problem with the cry it out method. I mean I never left him in his crib without checking on him and telling him he was ok every now and then. But my son will be three in July and is still hard to get to bed. I've got to figure something out. At this point, for me, it's beyond tiring. I hope things get easier for you at bed time :)


Quoting Ridingsolo:

I'm glad you are done with him.  He doesn't respect you or your parenting, and that doesn't sound like it would make for a good long term relationship.

On a side note, my son is impossible to put to sleep as well.  He is 8 months old and never falls asleep on his own, but I don't believe in the cry it out method, so we are still struggling by here.  It can be tiring!



naturALYme
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 8:35 AM

That was one of our other isssues. If he was mad about something, I would let him say what he needed to. But if I was upset and wanted to express how I felt, it seemed like he didn't want to hear it. And I don't get mad much. I understand that some kids have different needs at bedtime but I just can't see myself cuddling my almost 3 year old at bed time. Oh yea and thank you!


Quoting Lia678:

How awful for you that you have to defend your parenting to someone who sounds like doesn't really spend time with your son. The other problem I have with what your saying is that your boyfriend is allowed to insult you yet you are not given a chance to express yourself. In addition it is sad to me that you have to justify how you put your son to bed. Some kids need extra hugs and a cuddle before bed. Nothing wrong with it. Sounds like you are a wonderful mother! Keep on trekking!



naturALYme
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 8:39 AM

I do try to say very little to him when I put him back. I definitely think he does it for attention. He'll get up and say things like "my finger hurts", "I hurt my toes", or "I'm crying" (all with a straight face). He just doesn't want to go to bed. It's like he thinks he'll miss something. But yea, I'm glad it's over. I almost feel relieved. 


Quoting lancet98:

I think that you guys are better off separate.

Your values and ideas are too different.   You wouldn't be able to get along.  

My guess would be that if the two of you were together, he'd be trying to dictate everything you do, not just how you care for your son.

Some kids are harder to get to bed than others.   I don't see anything wrong with how you're putting your little guy to bed.   Put 'em back in bed, leave the room, if possible, try to make that as 'neutral' as possible, so he isn't getting a lot of attention for getting out of bed.   Otherwise he might be doing it for the attention.

It's generally a small matter of opinion if one says someone else is spoiling their kids.   Most of these actions are within a normal range of what can produce a normal kid.   Small differences in parenting aren't really going to create serial killers or mass shooters.   I've seen kids raised very very different ways and they don't all go bad.



Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Jan. 21, 2013 at 8:40 AM
1 mom liked this
Wow, how rude. Glad you are not going to see him anymore.
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MsPopo
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 8:49 AM
1 mom liked this
I live in South Africa and here, kids are raised with a heavy hand and NO voice. I refuse to beat my child or yell at her and am successfully raising a well balanced, intelligent, confident, expressive,respectful child. The proof of my method is in the pudding. There's no need to deprive your child of anything ie Love, affection and tangible things if you raise them to be full of gratitude and the principle of earning things. You are doing a stellar job. If he doesn't support it he can step off. Do you, Zion will always love and appreciate you for it. Well done mommy.
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