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Fighting a loosing battle

Posted by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:12 PM
  • 12 Replies
I am in a relationship with a divorcee who has a 10 year old boy from his previous marriage. We also have a 2 month old baby together. He lives in USA and I live in Singapore. We've been travelling back and forth throughout our relationship. Now that our baby is born, we finally decided to try to move in together resulting me coming to live in USA with him. It's been 2 weeks now we live under the same roof and things have been very rocky. Most of our quarrels involved his son and his ex. I feel hurt each time when my fiance would make plans with his ex pertaining to their son's activities without even discussing with me When it involves our time together. I can't even discipline his son when it's required. My partner would put me at my place which is I'm not his mother hence I cannot interfer and I should just suck it up. Despite all that though I am family when it comes to cooking and managing the household chores. Many times I feel like giving up and just go back home with our baby since I don't feel belong.
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by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
msmiyo
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:20 PM
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It is hard being with people who have other peoples kids. Im the one with a kid in my relatiinship but I worry about my boyfriends feelings. Is he easy to talke to? It must be so hard being in that position and so far away from home, he should be understanding of that
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Ladyfeb
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 8:36 PM
It's very difficult to have any open feeling discussion with him. I would always end up being looked upon as the black sheep, going to very extreme. I don't know how else to reach to him. Yes I feel very depress every single day not having anyone close to talk to and especially now that i'm in the most vulnerable period with a 2 month old baby to care for..
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msmiyo
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 9:52 PM
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Im sorry:-/ juts remember that no matter what your opinion counts just as much as his or hers. Your his family, you and that baby and you matter too. I hope he trys to balance time with you and working things out with his situation. But you are not a black sheep and your feelings and need matter just as much as his
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steviechick
by Gold Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 1:01 PM
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You need to work this out with your finance or you two will end up not working out.  Your fiance has to treat you with importance.  I agree with the balance part of your relationship.  You aren't the mother of the child, but you are going to be a step-mom.  There has to be an understanding how you fit into this family. 

victoriahearts
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 1:17 PM
1 mom liked this

It's difficult coming into a relationship where there is a child from a prior marriage, the best advice I can give you is that you discuss with his your feelings and come up with solutions for them. He schedules time with his son from another relationship, why not ask him to schedule time with you? Or ask him to tell you when he has plans with his son so you can move things around to work with your quality time. This way he sees you are making an effort, I think when a new relationship is formed and there is another child from another relationship the parent tends to get more defensive which may be what is happening with him. Explain to him that you don't want to take time away from his first child and that you welcome him with open hands but that he must also take into consideration that he no longer lives by himself. Also as far as displince goes that is a tough one because I'm not sure that I would feel comfortable in any situation with another woman displicing my child especially one that recently become part of my child life, I would say don't displicine him but make sure that his father is aware of situation where he needs to be and tell him that he must also have your back when it comes to his child acting out towards you. I don't think under any condition should a child be allowed to be disrespectful to another adult especially in your case where you are the partner of his father and mother to the child's new sibling, that positions does demand respect. Like I said best advice is sit down and talk to him and try to get him on the defenses. 

Ladyfeb
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 11:27 PM

Hi ladies, I sincerely appreciate your views & advice. I hope things will at least get better after speaking to him and we could somehow reach to certain kind of understanding on this delicate matter. I can only hope and let the rest unfold...

Velvet1972
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 7:17 AM
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I would suggest finding either a good mutual friend to facilitate a discussion or better still a social worker or councillor. You need to work through this now and establish boundaries and guidelines which are appropriate and acceptable to both you, your partner, your soon to be stepson and realisticly also your partners ex ( who will ALWAYS be a part of your lives together)

quickbooksworm
by Bronze Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 7:27 AM
1 mom liked this
My opinion is that he doesn't need to ask you if he wants to spend time with his son but he should at least let you know what's going on. He may have a court order he has to stick to. And his ex may be a total beast who you don't want to spend time with. Being a step parent, you may not have the authority to discipline, its written in my court order than only the custodial step parent can. These are things you need to find out about and decide if you can live with it or not.
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hopealways4019
by Bronze Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 10:03 AM
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He shouldn't have to involved you in everything relating too his son. You knew he had a child, prior to hooking up. If his child is acting up, I would have discussion with his father how too address his behavior. I would advise you not too marry him, if you can't accept his son and ex as a part of y'all life.
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Ladyfeb
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 1:14 PM


Yes I do see your point. I agree on half of what you said although I disagree on him not having to involve me on activities his ex might have for their son which accidentally would interfer with our schedule. Besides we have a baby together too so what I am trying to achieve here is having and getting a right balance of priorities. Our baby and myself are important too if we are to be part of his family. I am a mother too. A new one with no experience whatsoever. I am just trying to do what's best for my family too.

Quoting hopealways4019:

He shouldn't have to involved you in everything relating too his son. You knew he had a child, prior to hooking up. If his child is acting up, I would have discussion with his father how too address his behavior. I would advise you not too marry him, if you can't accept his son and ex as a part of y'all life.



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