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Hes amazing!!! Will it ever change?

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I am so tired of my ex always being the hero!!! My ds and dd think he walks on water. I struggle everyday to raise them and he does the bare minimum but he is just amazing!! When will they finally see him for the POS that he is? Everyone says dont bad mouth him to the kids (which I will admit I do do sometimes, I try really hard not to but sometimes things slip out) that they will see on their own as they get bigger. My ds is 10 almost 11 and with everything that has happened you would think he would start to see things already but he always sides with his dad. Their dad has bailed on them several times (most recent time didnt get them for over 2 months) but when hes ready to get them, they are so happy and cant wait to spend time with him. He lived really close to us for over 2 years but wouldnt spend any extra time with them and they would get so upset and cry to me but wont ever say anything to him. He makes them go to daycare everyday even though they dont want to, when he gets off of work early enough to pick them up from school everyday. He complains about having to pay $80 a week in child support for 2 kids, when he doesnt even pay any bills except car insur. and phone. When he does have the kids he does stuff with the kids he shouldnt and then tells them to lie to me and my son thinks this is ok because his dad said it was, luckily my daughter feels guilty about lying and will tell me. There is sooo much more, I could go on and on. Because I raise the kids and am with them all the time we fight or will have arguments and when we do my son will say that dad does everything for them and my daughter will say Im soooo mean and she wants her dad. I know this is just them trying to make me mad but geez when will it end? I know I cant tell them what a POS he is because it would just backfire on me and I will end up being the bad guy again but will they (atleast my son) see him for the POS he is anytime soon or will he grow up to be like him? Im so worried that his dad will influence him in a bad way

by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 11:02 AM
Replies (11-19):
steviechick
by Gold Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 11:32 AM

In my case, my ex was married before.  He told me when we first met that his first wife left him while he was training at Ft. Rucker to become a helicopter pilot.  When he came home on leave his then wife told him that she was seeing someone else and she wanted a divorce.  Came to find out that the first wife did leave him but for different reasons then what he told me so many years ago.  The wife left him because of the same problems he had with me - minus the affai - never ending money problems, and anger management issues.   My ex's first wife found a much better suited man and father for her child.  My ex never tried to look up his daughter (now 31 years old) , so the first wife remarried and married the man she left my ex for.  The new husband turned out to be a good guy.  A decent man that actually respected his wife.  They have been married for the past 28 years and have a second child together.  The first wife's husband legally adopted my ex's child because my ex decided to walk out on his child.  Even though he was divorced that should have never have stopped him from being his daughter's father.  I can't imagine how my ex's daughter feels knowing that her own father disowned her. 

I never understood how  he could have done this when I first met him.  I even asked him several times why and he simply walked away from his own flesh and blood.  He always got angry and wanted to quickly change the subject.  All he had were wallet sized photos of his three year old beautiful little girl.  FF and my ex and I have a daughter together.  She will be 19 in June.  My ex has proven to me and his own daughter that he's a POS, too.  He had an affair on me for over 3 yrs and fathered two kids with a co-worker 16 yrs his junior.   He's stopped paying cs support to our DD last July while she attends college.  That was the agreement - that he help support our DD until she was out of college.  He decided to try and fight the money he owed us by filing a Chap 7 and has since not paid me the money he embezzled from me nor for the new car I had to purchase for our DD because he had the prior one she drove repoed.  My ex knows eh can't stop a divorce settlement agreement in court.  My DD has no relationship with her father at all.  Because everytime they meet or talk to each other he goes into fits of rage because she forgot his b-day, refuses to meet his new wife and the half-siblings she now has and never seems to have any money to give her.  My DD used to stick up for her father and soon realized that she can't stick up for him anymore ever since his money problems and anger issues.  She has learned first hand what a POS her father truly is all simply on her own.  I never say a bad word about my ex.  I have learned to calm down and simply allow him to prove to my DD (and everyone else for that matter) just how screwed up he really is.  Time is on our side.  Time is your side, too.  Your ex is starting to show his true ways.  It will be his loss in life if he continues down this destructive path in life.  Your kids deserve a decent father.  They see a wonderful mom that shows them good character, decency and morals.  Hugs to you, mama!

breebree04
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 12:13 PM

 Thanks. Im just hoping my morals, decency, and character influence them more than his. As much as it aggervates me that they worship him, it upsets me more thinking about my son growing up to be a man like him but I am doing everything I can to prevent that and teach him right.


Quoting steviechick:

In my case, my ex was married before.  He told me when we first met that his first wife left him while he was training at Ft. Rucker to become a helicopter pilot.  When he came home on leave his then wife told him that she was seeing someone else and she wanted a divorce.  Came to find out that the first wife did leave him but for different reasons then what he told me so many years ago.  The wife left him because of the same problems he had with me - minus the affai - never ending money problems, and anger management issues.   My ex's first wife found a much better suited man and father for her child.  My ex never tried to look up his daughter (now 31 years old) , so the first wife remarried and married the man she left my ex for.  The new husband turned out to be a good guy.  A decent man that actually respected his wife.  They have been married for the past 28 years and have a second child together.  The first wife's husband legally adopted my ex's child because my ex decided to walk out on his child.  Even though he was divorced that should have never have stopped him from being his daughter's father.  I can't imagine how my ex's daughter feels knowing that her own father disowned her. 

I never understood how  he could have done this when I first met him.  I even asked him several times why and he simply walked away from his own flesh and blood.  He always got angry and wanted to quickly change the subject.  All he had were wallet sized photos of his three year old beautiful little girl.  FF and my ex and I have a daughter together.  She will be 19 in June.  My ex has proven to me and his own daughter that he's a POS, too.  He had an affair on me for over 3 yrs and fathered two kids with a co-worker 16 yrs his junior.   He's stopped paying cs support to our DD last July while she attends college.  That was the agreement - that he help support our DD until she was out of college.  He decided to try and fight the money he owed us by filing a Chap 7 and has since not paid me the money he embezzled from me nor for the new car I had to purchase for our DD because he had the prior one she drove repoed.  My ex knows eh can't stop a divorce settlement agreement in court.  My DD has no relationship with her father at all.  Because everytime they meet or talk to each other he goes into fits of rage because she forgot his b-day, refuses to meet his new wife and the half-siblings she now has and never seems to have any money to give her.  My DD used to stick up for her father and soon realized that she can't stick up for him anymore ever since his money problems and anger issues.  She has learned first hand what a POS her father truly is all simply on her own.  I never say a bad word about my ex.  I have learned to calm down and simply allow him to prove to my DD (and everyone else for that matter) just how screwed up he really is.  Time is on our side.  Time is your side, too.  Your ex is starting to show his true ways.  It will be his loss in life if he continues down this destructive path in life.  Your kids deserve a decent father.  They see a wonderful mom that shows them good character, decency and morals.  Hugs to you, mama!


 

mazomama
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 3:39 PM

Hopefully the bad mouthing of their dad isnt something you keep thinking of doing. I have been divorced twice to some majorly messed up men. I've birthed two children with each of them. And even though i was dumb and thought they would change, grow up , or what ever i do know very well not to say anything negative about them. Even if they dissaper for 8 months, dont call on birthdays etc ( yes this has happend more times than id like to remember) but i know what its like to be a child of  a single mother who did nothing but bad mouth my father. AND yes he was a drunk, with no ambtion, but that was for me to learn. Not for her to make that choice for me. Maybe im just sensitive to the top-e of bad mouthing becasue i KNOW that no matter what you say to a young child they will STILL want the other parent. Yea when the grow older and see things for what they really are then good. But i do have negative feelings about my own mothers character now for behaving the way she did. Oh the joys of trying to make sure we dont fuck up our kids love you sign


breebree04
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 3:59 PM

 I agree I shouldnt bad mouth their dad because it wont change anything and I dont want them to resent me one day for it. I try really hard not too. When I say I sometimes bad mouth him Im not just sitting around complaining about him or telling them what a POS he is. I just tell them the truth. Example: Ex didnt get the kids for over 2 months because he claimed he couldnt afford his own apartment and had to move in with a bunch of partying/drug using bachelors. My son tried sticking up for him saying he doesnt make enough money, blah blah blah so I told him that there is no reason his dad cant get his own place and he should work two jobs if he has to because hes not married and doesnt have any kids that live with him. If mommy can make it by herself with two kids then daddy should be able to make it by himself. I know I need to watch what I say and Im going to really work on just biting my tongue and not saying anything


Quoting mazomama:

Hopefully the bad mouthing of their dad isnt something you keep thinking of doing. I have been divorced twice to some majorly messed up men. I've birthed two children with each of them. And even though i was dumb and thought they would change, grow up , or what ever i do know very well not to say anything negative about them. Even if they dissaper for 8 months, dont call on birthdays etc ( yes this has happend more times than id like to remember) but i know what its like to be a child of  a single mother who did nothing but bad mouth my father. AND yes he was a drunk, with no ambtion, but that was for me to learn. Not for her to make that choice for me. Maybe im just sensitive to the top-e of bad mouthing becasue i KNOW that no matter what you say to a young child they will STILL want the other parent. Yea when the grow older and see things for what they really are then good. But i do have negative feelings about my own mothers character now for behaving the way she did. Oh the joys of trying to make sure we dont fuck up our kids love you sign


 

Robsessed98
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 5:42 PM

I know where you're coming from. Don't worry and just sit back and wait, they will see him for what he really is when they are older and he will be the one that loses. Same happened with my dd, but she saw the truth and won't speak to him now.

Skybabe
by Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 7:28 PM

Oh grow up! You'd rather your kids hate their dad than love him and be excited to see him, REALLY?! You keep your mouth shut to your kids, let them be kids. When you talk down about their dad you are influencing them in a NEGATIVE way towards their dad and putting them in the middle. They are a part of the man you CHOSE to have sex with and have kids with; putting him down is putting a part of them down too. They will grow up and form their own opinions of him, don't you paint a negative picture in their heads. They will see who is someday, but he could also change for the better and be a better dad. Don't destroy their relationship.

breebree04
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:59 PM

 umm for one I never one time said I wanted them to hate their dad so I dont know where thats coming from and if I wanted to destroy there relationship I would have along time ago! Alls I wanted to know and was asking is if they will ever see him for who he is and appreciate everything I do and while I admitted to talking bad about there dad, I said sometimes it just slips and that I try not to do it and I gave an example in one of my responses of what that meant, maybe you didnt read it!!! and your right I did chose to have sex with him and have babies but everyone makes mistakes (not talking about having my kids) maybe you can teach us all to be perfect!!! I already said I know I shouldnt talk about there dad so if you dont have anything helpful to say then dont comment!


Quoting Skybabe:

Oh grow up! You'd rather your kids hate their dad than love him and be excited to see him, REALLY?! You keep your mouth shut to your kids, let them be kids. When you talk down about their dad you are influencing them in a NEGATIVE way towards their dad and putting them in the middle. They are a part of the man you CHOSE to have sex with and have kids with; putting him down is putting a part of them down too. They will grow up and form their own opinions of him, don't you paint a negative picture in their heads. They will see who is someday, but he could also change for the better and be a better dad. Don't destroy their relationship.


 

Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:02 PM

Because to them, he is the 'fun parent' wtih no rules, all fun and I'm sure no responsibilities. 

candacemaria
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:33 AM

I'm in the same situation, my sons dad gets to be fun guy and buys him toys everyweekend and my son pretty much is in charge at his dads, is dad doesn't set any rules. While i make rules and put structure in my sons life. Yes it is very frustrating!!

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