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What am I supposed to tell her?

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Dd is three, I left her dad in the fall of 2011. When I first left he would come over every night and see her. It weaned down to about four nights a week after awhile, but he would pick her up every Friday night, bring her home Saturday afternoon, and the pick her up for a few hours after church on Sunday. now he only sees her once a week. He will pick her up on a Monday at like 6, then bring her back Tuesday around 2. Dd is heart broken. She asks for her dad EVERY day. I don't know what to tell her. I just tell her daddy is at work, and she gets her pretend phone and calls him. I told him the other day he lives ten min. Away there is NO excuse for him not to see her more than he does. He said he wants to see her more and he's trying. Bull shit. Her daycare is less than 5min from his house. He can stop in and see her there if he wanted to! His excuse is that he doesn't get off of work until midnight. But he doesn't go until 5pm. So he can still see her, even if he doesn't get her all night.

I have full custody of dd. I did this because honestly I expected him to flake at some point. I know he will move back up north with his mommy soon enough. But it is in the agreement that I have full custody and we have our own vistiation plan worked out and I will "not deny him visitation unless Dds health and safety are at risk". And I've told him from the day I walked out, he can come see and get her whenever he wants.

I want her to know her dad. Honestly if she wasn't asking for him, this wouldn't bother me so much. But I know she misses him and wants to see him and it breaks my heart. :(
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by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 8:32 AM
Replies (11-18):
nmcmommy2
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 10:32 PM
Away much as this breaks your heart and all of our hearts. Just be honest with the child in a kid-friendly way. There us nothing more heart breaking and hurtful to a child or anyone for that manner than to dance around the truth. Kids are very resistant and smart. So please believe she see and hears more than you know. :) so from one mommy to another watch your words. As much as you want dad to be around you can't make him just because you want it. trust he will have to explain to her later in life why he wasn't around. Hold your head up high and you baby close. You don't have the time to worry about his comings and goings. Just make it very clear with him she is not a revolving door. And if he can't be a full time parent like you are then it may be best that he not come around at all. But if he us giving her the love and support she needs then let things be. I'm sure u are an awesome mom so don't forget that.
ckmom2013
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 11:14 PM
I know the feeling. My son keeps asking for his dad and daddy bought me this and daddy has such and such at his house...but he hasnt had a phone convo with him since Sept and hasnt seem him since xmas. I just tell him the truth now that daddy doesnt want to see him. At first he would say he still wants to see his dad, but yesterday he said I dont love daddy anymore because he doesnt call me, he doesnt pick me up, he doesnt do anything. I was happy inside, but didnt let my son see. Hopefully I can marry a nice msn and he can be their stepdad.
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biomom1437
by Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 12:03 AM

ya you can't control what dad does.  my daughters dad wanted nothing to do with her from day one so i don't push the issue i figure if he wants to see his daughter he knows where i live.  but ya things like that are hard on kids.  but let you child now that it's not her/his fault that dad doesn't visit or spend lots of time with her/him. kids need to be reasured that they are not to blame for stupid things dad does or doesn't do.


Quoting idunno1234:

You can't control what her dad does.  Believe me, kids grow up fast and with maturity comes clarity, including some painful truths.

When it comes down to it, their relationship is between them and as frustrating as it may be, the best thing you can do is be a soft place for her to fall when she is hurt by him.



idunno1234
by Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:51 AM

ckmom: " I just tell him the truth now that daddy doesnt want to see him."

I'm sorry but that's an awful thing to say to a child, even if it is the truth and usually the truth is a heck of a lot more complicated than that.

I tell my kids that their dad isn't a healthy individual (alcoholic/addict) and that if he lets them down, it has NOTHING to do with them and EVERYTHING to do with him. 

 

easinpc
by Gold Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 1:27 PM

Hugs!!

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 2:14 PM

 not much you can do if he doesnt want to come see her. just distract her as much as you can and let her call him and talk to him. weekly is not that bad, but i understand the disappointment since he used to see her much more.

 
        
         

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 2:17 PM

 ya agree. i recommend honest but tactful. "i dont know why he hasnt come or called" its the truth without being hurtful.

Quoting idunno1234:

ckmom: " I just tell him the truth now that daddy doesnt want to see him."

I'm sorry but that's an awful thing to say to a child, even if it is the truth and usually the truth is a heck of a lot more complicated than that.

I tell my kids that their dad isn't a healthy individual (alcoholic/addict) and that if he lets them down, it has NOTHING to do with them and EVERYTHING to do with him. 

 

 

 
        
         

Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Feb. 5, 2013 at 2:30 PM
*hugs* sorry its so tough.
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