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When is a separation the right step?

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My husband and I have been together 10 years,married for 2. We had our first child in April of 2012. Parenthood has very much highlighted the cracks in our relationship....conflicting energy levels,  and lack of lust. Even more compounding is the opposite work schedules we have taken on to minimize child care and the start up of a new music business career for my husband on top of his 40-hour work week.  So, basically I feel very much neglected. He is gone so much, and when he is home, I get the tired, cranky partner who nags on me for being too hyper, too silly, or too disorganized. My feelings are hurt. I do not feel appreciated.

I took a vacation with my little girl to visit my sisters. When I arrivd home, I told my husband we needed to take a little break to reset. To just have a week or two of space to regroup, find our feet, and our appreciation for each other. He stewed on is thought...and his looked at it from a much deeper rooted perspective of perhaps we are not in love. Perhaps we cannot fix our love life and our ability to have fun anymore because we just are not love, and we have different energies at are not, in the long run, compatible. Its been two months now of living with each other and trying to give it a go on fixing our problems...reading books, writing down and sharing our emotional needs, trying to meet those needs....but it all feels contrived, disingenuous, and every time he leaves for the studio...I just want to scream....where do I fit in? Where does our marriage fit in? Yes...I want to support my husband as he pursues his dream, tired and all...but I'm beginning to feel that my needs are being sacrificed and for what? I don't know. If he loved me, if he didn't question being in love with me...not just loving me....if he had lust for me...excitement for me....It would feel amazing to support him and be alone and have his back. But, I just feel neglected, so depressed, so scared to take the next step.

Will a separation just creat more distance? Or, could the space create an opportunity for us to light that spark and begin wth a new approach? I'm so focused on him not wantin's hard to also think....well is he right for me? The longer we are in this house together, the harder it becomes to feel the love that may be there be we're so emotional. 

Play advice as to when you knew the separation was the right next step

thank y oh and sorry for spelling errors...I new with the iPad! Sigh!

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 11:24 AM
Replies (31-33):
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 11:27 AM

If you are thinking about separation then it's time for you and your DH to seek counseling.  You both are fighting and if it continues an affair could happen or your marriage could ultimately fail without outside help.  You both want things (he his music) (you, your personal needs).  I wouldn't separate until you simply can't work out your problems and that's after you both have seeked professional help.  You both have invested a lot of your time into making this relationship work for a while.  A new baby has come along and your DH wants a music career.  You can have both if you come together on an agreement in how your marriage should 'work'.  Most couples don't have a second chance to work things out.  I wish I had pushed my ex into counseling while we were married.  He had SO many issues to work through.  We are now divorced and have a grown DD that my ex never sees because he's so screwed up.  I wish I could rewind my life with him, but what is done is done.  I wish you all the best!

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 1:10 PM

The thing you gotta remember, everyone says the first year is the toughest. When you guys are around each other how well are you getting along. I definitely think talking, having a date night, and possibly counseling are good ideas. My ex and I were together for 10 years, we have a four year old son. Our son added to us not being a couple anymore, (romantically). Before this though we had a rough relationship, we couldn't seem to be around each other for more than a few hours without the other one getting upset or a fight happening. We realized that we didn't work as a couple and should only be friends. Throughout our 10 years we went didn't always live in the same town, and we were good when we only saw eachother on weekends. That's not a real relationship. You need to really think is separating going to make you guys stronger or will it make you want a new life?

by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 11:49 AM

Seperation seems to be your problem now, so why create more distance? Look at the positives. He is a hard working man who is providing for you and your child. His dreams were his dreams before you had children so keep supporting him. You said that you are "so focused on him not wanting you". Sometimes our focus becomes a fasle reality and we create a scenario that is far worse than it could have been if we decide to look at things differently. Divorce and seperation is a very hard circumstance for you and your child. If you are feeling lonely now think about how it will feel when he is not there at all.Counseling is a great place for both of you to share your feelings and have a third party not emotionally involved help you find solutions to the problems. Try also to see things from his perspective, just as he needs to see yours. New child, new pressure to provide, fear that that tick tock clock is moving faster and taking his dreams away. Without a place to release this it will only be interalized then come out in a resentful manner. having a child is very hard on relationships. Try to look at every side and search for the positivity. May I suggest that when he comes home, although all moms know you need a break and some adult conversation, have a drink waiting for him let him sit for 10-15 minutes to unwind and then slowly bring in all the needs of the evening. Please dont misread this and think that your feelings are not real or valid. They need to be addressed and you need to feel loved and important. Hopefully there is a way to make this happen. Having gone through  divorce, I try to help others not go through it too. Sometimes it is necessary but other times theres just some extra work that needs to be done to get us where we want to be 

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