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When is a separation the right step?

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My husband and I have been together 10 years,married for 2. We had our first child in April of 2012. Parenthood has very much highlighted the cracks in our relationship....conflicting energy levels,  and lack of lust. Even more compounding is the opposite work schedules we have taken on to minimize child care and the start up of a new music business career for my husband on top of his 40-hour work week.  So, basically I feel very much neglected. He is gone so much, and when he is home, I get the tired, cranky partner who nags on me for being too hyper, too silly, or too disorganized. My feelings are hurt. I do not feel appreciated.

I took a vacation with my little girl to visit my sisters. When I arrivd home, I told my husband we needed to take a little break to reset. To just have a week or two of space to regroup, find our feet, and our appreciation for each other. He stewed on is thought...and his looked at it from a much deeper rooted perspective of perhaps we are not in love. Perhaps we cannot fix our love life and our ability to have fun anymore because we just are not love, and we have different energies at are not, in the long run, compatible. Its been two months now of living with each other and trying to give it a go on fixing our problems...reading books, writing down and sharing our emotional needs, trying to meet those needs....but it all feels contrived, disingenuous, and every time he leaves for the studio...I just want to scream....where do I fit in? Where does our marriage fit in? Yes...I want to support my husband as he pursues his dream, tired and all...but I'm beginning to feel that my needs are being sacrificed and for what? I don't know. If he loved me, if he didn't question being in love with me...not just loving me....if he had lust for me...excitement for me....It would feel amazing to support him and be alone and have his back. But, I just feel neglected, so depressed, so scared to take the next step.

Will a separation just creat more distance? Or, could the space create an opportunity for us to light that spark and begin wth a new approach? I'm so focused on him not wantin's hard to also think....well is he right for me? The longer we are in this house together, the harder it becomes to feel the love that may be there be we're so emotional. 

Play advice as to when you knew the separation was the right next step

thank y oh and sorry for spelling errors...I new with the iPad! Sigh!

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 11:24 AM
Replies (11-20):
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 8:51 PM

You have to work through the problem together, not separated. There is no reason you can't give each other space while living in the same home.

A baby is hard on a marriage. If Dh and i could have separated when DS was first born we would have but we couldn't afford to live separately. It would have been the biggest mistake of our lives.

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 8:53 PM

I know marriage counseling isn't for everyone, but it doesn't hurt to try it. are you religious? do you have a pastor that you trust? Maybe ask to meet with one a couple times, it's usually free and could really help. Good Luck!

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 9:05 PM

i associate seperation with divorce. when two people are together in marriage then they should  together in it. this is only my opinion. surely there are other strategies to try to get back on track. strategies that involve you doing something about all of this together. one of those classes or workshops or retreats. maybe start by talking to your clergyman. or someone similiar who you trust to point  you in the write direction? it takes both you. that all being said. i am not married. so i am saying it from that perspective. if you put more distance between you by having a "break" i am not sure how you will be able to take that distance away. work  together towards each other. im sure it must be yes get help if you need to. counseling. whatever it takes. good luck. sending positive energy your way

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 9:14 PM

I can't say for your situation, but when my husband and I were fairly newly married (3 years maybe) we separated and divorced for about a year. It was the best thing for us.  We dated other people, and had terrible raging arguments but after it all realized tha in spite of everything we did want to be married.  We have been together for 13 years, and he is really my BFF.

But generally speaking I reccomend making those sorts of movements with a child under a year old involved.

I don't want to drone on about my situation but I am happy to talk more if you want.  Hope you get your spark back!

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 9:54 PM

As long as you're truly following your heart then it's the right step. Don't allow your ego to get in the way. Make sure it's for the right reasons (only you would know that). If you need to see a therapist to help you determine whether it's the right step, then do it.

Bottom line... follow your heart girl!! :)

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 9:55 PM
1 mom liked this

 Please, do not take this wrong way.  I am no expert, but it sounds like both of you are being selfish.  It sounds like you are both looking at this from only your own perspective.  Instead of asking yourselves, "What can I do to make my spouse happy today?", you are both focusing on what you want from the other.  He's completely dream and work driven.  You are completely focused on the feeling of being in love and feeling neglected.  Does he need to step back and make time for you and your child?  Sure, but you can't change him.  You can only change yourself.  If he's coming home to nagging wife, it's not going to make him want to change himself so that he has more time for you.  Do you have to make a sacrifice to accomadate him?  Yes, but he has do the same.  If you make changes and he still does nothing, then it is time re-evaluate the situation.  In a marriage, there is no room for me or I.  You both have to put each other's needs first.  

Wife to a wonderful man, and mother to five beautiful children. :)

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by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 10:01 PM

I think separation for the most part just makes it easier to get used to the idea of divorce and living apart from one another. You may just be going through a rocky part in marriage; it's a roller coaster. Some years/seasons are more fun and easier, and others more emotional,hard work,etc. Don't think so much about your needs but try to focus on being a better wife and fixing your marriage. Go to counseling if you must but don't think if you get a divorce you're just going to not have problems anymore.

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 10:21 PM

DH and I have been married for 12 years and together for 14. I have been a SAHM that has supported anything my DH wanted to do. We have started several businesses  in that amount of time and it hasn't always been easy. Sometimes days to weeks away from home at a time. My DH is a workaholic but the most caring,loyal husband and father. We have had a lot of blood,sweat and tears in our relationship but could never have done it without supporting each other. There have been times that we have spent hours talking and crying on video chat because we didn't think we could take another minute away from each other. It is still hard but with love,trust and respect it is possible and it gets so much easier after you get over the first year of business. My husband has a great business head on his shoulders and luckily he has been very successful. At the begining the seperation can be a little tough but it can also be very good for your relationship,for DH and I a couple of days makes our bond even stronger,we still are very much in love and sometimes can act like teenagers.DD is 20 years old and DS is 17 years old and not one day has he ever put anything above our family. If you and your husband want it bad enough then you can make it work. I really don't think separating is a good idea but I'm one of those all or nothing people. Good Luck.

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 10:47 PM

I'd separate to find out what you both can change to give each other what they desire as a spouse. If that is too much or the change can happen, it's time for divorce. I am in a similar boat. I feel sad and lonely and I deserve more.

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 1:33 AM

I'd say man up. Both of you. You are still trying to figure out life with a child. It's a tough transition. And because babies grow so drastically the first year, the first year tends to be constant adjusting with no real strong foothold. No disrespect, but I think that you two are just working through what most first time parents have to go through. Give it time, and think of him and your relationship over yourself. 

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