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When is a separation the right step?

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My husband and I have been together 10 years,married for 2. We had our first child in April of 2012. Parenthood has very much highlighted the cracks in our relationship....conflicting energy levels,  and lack of lust. Even more compounding is the opposite work schedules we have taken on to minimize child care and the start up of a new music business career for my husband on top of his 40-hour work week.  So, basically I feel very much neglected. He is gone so much, and when he is home, I get the tired, cranky partner who nags on me for being too hyper, too silly, or too disorganized. My feelings are hurt. I do not feel appreciated.

I took a vacation with my little girl to visit my sisters. When I arrivd home, I told my husband we needed to take a little break to reset. To just have a week or two of space to regroup, find our feet, and our appreciation for each other. He stewed on is thought...and his looked at it from a much deeper rooted perspective of perhaps we are not in love. Perhaps we cannot fix our love life and our ability to have fun anymore because we just are not love, and we have different energies at are not, in the long run, compatible. Its been two months now of living with each other and trying to give it a go on fixing our problems...reading books, writing down and sharing our emotional needs, trying to meet those needs....but it all feels contrived, disingenuous, and every time he leaves for the studio...I just want to scream....where do I fit in? Where does our marriage fit in? Yes...I want to support my husband as he pursues his dream, tired and all...but I'm beginning to feel that my needs are being sacrificed and for what? I don't know. If he loved me, if he didn't question being in love with me...not just loving me....if he had lust for me...excitement for me....It would feel amazing to support him and be alone and have his back. But, I just feel neglected, so depressed, so scared to take the next step.

Will a separation just creat more distance? Or, could the space create an opportunity for us to light that spark and begin wth a new approach? I'm so focused on him not wantin's hard to also think....well is he right for me? The longer we are in this house together, the harder it becomes to feel the love that may be there be we're so emotional. 

Play advice as to when you knew the separation was the right next step

thank y oh and sorry for spelling errors...I new with the iPad! Sigh!

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 11:24 AM
Replies (21-30):
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 2:43 AM

I know that you want to support him in his dreams. But it sounds like you two need to ask yourselves if your marriage is your highest earthly priority. If it is, he needs to get a new line of work. 

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 4:29 AM

Wow, I can relate on many levels! I myself, have been trying to figure out if a break is needed in our relationship. I wish I could help you out with your situation. All I can say really, is that I think it's time to give up when you know you've done absolutely ALL you can to save your marriage. After that, what else is left but to leave? Who knows? Maybe a break is what is best to fix your marriage. I wish you the best of luck. 

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 6:50 AM

I just had a baby March 2012 and juggling a baby and married life is hard.  Plus I think changing hormones are challenging and make me more emotional about everything.  Babies can make you feel really isolated if you dont have support.  Babies also change life outlooks.  Maybe he's not sure where he stands now and feels his biggest duty to you is to bring in more money or that its a sign he's getting older and now must make this music thing work or it never will.  Getting your sis's help is great so that you can get rested but don't stay there too long.  I think you need to be living together to have time to work it out.  It's a transition year for your family.  The first year of your babies life.  But once you figure it out it should get easier.  Be easy on each other as you both figure out parenthood.  Your post never mentioned any deal breakers to me.  Benjamin Franklin said "You only fail if you quit trying"  Watch the movie Fireproof your Marriage.

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:29 AM
In 2 years you have gone through what IMHO are the hardest changes life can throw at you. My first year of marriage was rough, to say the least. Is hard to go from, yes I love this person, but I can still easily get out if things don't work out, to being married and it choosing so much money, time, and headache to leave. I struggledwith that lot in the first year, and found every excuse to try and justify leaving. once that first year was over, we found our footing, we adjusted to life as us. Then cane baby, and all those feelings were back. It went from sure, divorce is an option, total pita, but do able, to, well now we have a kid, I don't want to deprive her of having her father in her life, but also want to give her an example of a healthy relationship. My husband is a workaholic, and 6 days aweek we have 3 hours with him, and an hour of that is spent on him taking a shower. I feel very neglected most days, but I remind myself he is working so hard for me and dd, that every thing else gets put on the back burner. You need to make time to spend with each other. Hold hands, kiss, just relax. I think way tohigh of percentage of seperations end in divorce. If you truly feel you are done, then be done, other wise do everything you can to fight for your marriage.
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by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:57 AM

Really? You took a break after "dating" for 8 years, married for 2? If you want to spark back, light it. If you don't want him anymore you should have never got married to the man 2 years ago. 

Ever try going to family counseling?

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:32 AM
I agree you had a lot of new big stressors last year good luck

Quoting tyfry7496:

Have you gone to marriage counseling? You both need to make time for each other as partners. I wouldn't just give up because you're in a slump without trying everything possible to work it out.
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by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 10:06 AM

I think at this point you both need to find time to talk to a marriage councelor. Women need love and men need respect. And somewhere I think neither of you feel love or respect. Seperation is not always a good answer. When you are married you become one and it makes things harder when you seperate that oneness. You both vowed to each other on your wedding day that you would love each other for better or for worse. That is a promise that you made before witnesses, before Christ, and before each other. What was the point of making that promise if you are going to break it? You have to fight through this and for this. You can't change him, you can only change yourself and alot of us don't think we need changing but you would be surprised when we open up and say okay Lord I am willing to change you would be amazed the difference it makes. There are only a few reasons why you should seperate and a situation like this is not one of them. You can't fall out of love. It doesn't work that way even tho that expression is thrown around so carelessly. Find a marriage councelor and fight for each other.

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 10:23 AM

I agree with some of the ladies separating is really just a step in getting use to the idea of divorcing ultimately.  I think both of you need to rework your schedules and find time from each other, connect again as a couple. And I also thinking seeing a professional will help your marriage right now , because right now you are hyper focusing on what you want, how you feel but you haven't stopped to think about what your actions and thoughts are doing to your husband and to your marriage and obviously vice versus, your husband is hyper focusing on his needs, his wants and forgotten he has a wife and obligations to you. Yes his dreams are important but his marriage to you should be too. 

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 10:30 AM

The pressures of life can be very challenging on any marriage... It sounds like you both need to work on finding time to be together. Try counseling or plan a weekend getaway to try and spark your marriage back. I'm a wedding planner and I see a lot of my clients struggle with these same issues. Hopefully you can find a way to get thing back to a healthy place... Good luck!

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 10:36 AM

I think separations can help. My husband and I separated for a few months and it brought us closer together. We had been through something very traumatic together and it was pulling us apart. We couldn't afford counseling, so we didn't know what to do. Our break made us realize we can't, and don't want to, live apart. 

As for the burden of raising a family, it's a lot to get used to. It takes a toll on a lot of people, whether they admit it or not. It's a hard adjustment, especially if it's not a planned pregnancy.

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