Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stressed and need opinions! (Baby daddy issues) LONG

Posted by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 4:55 AM
  • 7 Replies
Just a little FYI, my baby's father and I aren't together. He wasn't around much at all throughout the whole pregnancy. We live 25 mins away from each other and he is unable to drive himself here cuz he doesn't have a license. He says he's trying to get his life picked up by finishing up school, getting a job and getting a place of his own. He also has a new gf. I'll be 20 in may and he just turned 21. I for one spend my time raising my son along with doing online school and work twice a week. I do live with my parents and they help a lot.

Now, after a whole month of not seeing his son, his father is hurt by it but overall I have been trying to tell him that I'm not always going to able to go to him all time time because of what I do. He still wants to see him more regardless. I wanted to try and use my Sundays to allow him to see our boy, but that's a lot of work on my end AND he wants to be able to see him more, other than just Sundays, within the next few months. And he says if he can't that he'll go to Parental Guidence to figure it all out. But, he doesnt wanna havevto do that because he wabts us to figure it all out (meaning me figure it out) Well our son is under my name, under my insurance and is living at my (parents) house. I can't imagine he'd be able to do much. And because he knows so little about babies I don't wanna leave our son with him alone at all. He sees no reason why I can't just leave him with him on the days I work or when I'm in the neighborhood doing things, but I don't bring our son in to town at all unless it's for an appt. He's still so young and I don't want him getting sick.

ANOTHER FYI is that they don't really have anything for him, like a crib or carseat or anything! I can't being him everything.

I know he's my son and everything should be my decision, but I go by my parents advise cuz, of course, they know best. I'm obviously still leaning and now because of this issue it has me in such a rut, I just don't know what to do! None of it makes a lot of sense to me and trying to tell his father my opinions on things is like talking to a wall... My parents really don't like him and don't believe he even deserves to see him cuz he hasn't contributed at all in any way. Hasn't bought anything or payed for anything. It's all been me and my side of the family. I for one tho an trying to keep things fair and civil, but overall, how fair is it really when he expects me to do everything just because he's unable to do certain things in his own. I just am so stuck.

Plz give some opinions and ask questions about anything, but plz don't judge. If you don't have anything nice to say about any of this then plz don't say anything at all. I already know how messed up this situation already is.. At this point I just need to know what my options should/could be.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 4:55 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-7):
ChgIsGood2012
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:59 AM

Hello Kazmira,

 I do understand where you are coming from and I have felt like that at times too - where I have to make the decisions for anything to get done between myself and my son's father.

It does sound like you are having to do a whole lot for him to see your son. I think it is noble of you to go out of your way. Being civil is the wisest thing to do. And while your parents mean well, your baby could care less about money and who contributes to what. What I believe a child cares about is who loves them and who is making time to be a part of their life. And good for dad wanting to be there.

Is there any way he can find a family member to bring him over to your house on Sundays or is there a mutual place the two of you can meet? Maybe at a park or something for a few hours?

That is a tough situation. But I don't think you should have to continue to go out of your way to get to him. That's almost an hour of driving and you are already the sole caregiver, you work and are doing school.

If he needs to go to Parental Guidance, then he needs to do his part. It's only fair to you. Because you going back and forth all the time will burn you out. If he wants to see his son, then he needs to be working on getting the license and do what he needs to do. I surely wouldn't tell you to not work with him because you are doing a great job of that (smile). But it's ok to set some boundaries and explain your position and keep it moving.

 

victoriahearts
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 10:33 AM
1 mom liked this

I wouldn't be stressed by the fact that he claims he will go to Parental Guidance , if anything it would be to your child benefit, like child support payments and actually making him come out to you for visitation rather then you having to make all the effort. I would point out to him that it's actually more benefical for you if he did go to Parental Guidance, that he would have to come up with a way to pay child support and also find a way to get to you, it may change his tune. 

Kazmira222
by Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 11:53 AM

Well he lives with his mom, but idk if he actually asks for her help much. He says he's tried asking friends to give him a ride, but no body wants to drive ALL the way here. I say "boo-hoo" cuz I drive there ALL the time and yea, it sucks, but its called life. Sometimes you have to go out of your way to get what you want.

But thank you for all this. It definitely is a difficult situation, but overall, IDK if he has even signed the paternity papers at all. I asked him and he never gave me an answer. So I hope to get baby's birth certificate soon so I know for sure.


Quoting ChgIsGood2012:

Hello Kazmira,

 I do understand where you are coming from and I have felt like that at times too - where I have to make the decisions for anything to get done between myself and my son's father.

It does sound like you are having to do a whole lot for him to see your son. I think it is noble of you to go out of your way. Being civil is the wisest thing to do. And while your parents mean well, your baby could care less about money and who contributes to what. What I believe a child cares about is who loves them and who is making time to be a part of their life. And good for dad wanting to be there.

Is there any way he can find a family member to bring him over to your house on Sundays or is there a mutual place the two of you can meet? Maybe at a park or something for a few hours?

That is a tough situation. But I don't think you should have to continue to go out of your way to get to him. That's almost an hour of driving and you are already the sole caregiver, you work and are doing school.

If he needs to go to Parental Guidance, then he needs to do his part. It's only fair to you. Because you going back and forth all the time will burn you out. If he wants to see his son, then he needs to be working on getting the license and do what he needs to do. I surely wouldn't tell you to not work with him because you are doing a great job of that (smile). But it's ok to set some boundaries and explain your position and keep it moving.




domsmom1026
by Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 1:34 PM

I think the best option is for you guys to go to parental guidance. I have dealt with a similar situation when I first had my son, and the fact that there is nothing in writing stating visitation and support can bite ya in the ass. I do believe if you are intown you should let him watch him for a bit. Not only will it give him the opportunity to bond with his son, it gives you a break too. I know it is scary leaving your child with someone you arent sure knows how to take care of a child, but it is his son, and you must believe he is some what of a good person since you were with him, I dont think he would let his son be harmed. But yes, start with the guidance. Best thing you can do for everyone involved!

brieri
by Platinum Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 6:35 PM

 First you and him made a baby together.  So the baby is not owned by you.  It is owned between you and the father.  2nd'  baby didn't come with instruction manuals, so what may be right for you, isn't allways what the father sees.  And what may be right for him isn't always what you see. Give him the chance to be a father, sit down with him and ask him where will baby sleep if he were to be at his house, how will he feed the baby (if you are b/f - that may make a difference - when he can see the baby-but if not, there are ways to getting around that sitatuion. etc.....  3rd - you have the option of taking him to court, or he can take you to court (and request for a paternity test-safeguarding that he is the father of baby). Get everything in formal written agreement so there is no misunderstanding.  If you can two work on those issues outside of court, and formalize it in court - it's all the better.  These are some suggestions to take on, and I am sure you will find more answers as time goes on.  Taking care of a baby by oneself can be very demanding - but it has its rewards too.  Good luck.

Mary869
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:46 PM

Hello, 

I have been dealing wit the same thing wit my son father for 7 yrs now and over time things have only gotten worse. I have been mom, dad, doctor, friend, support system, etc... You name it and as mothers that what we are...I am dealing wit alot of issues wit my son right now that could really use the help of his father bc alot of his issues I dont understand but found out stem from his side of the family. My son has been raised around my family and just had the opportunity to meet some of his relatives for the 1st time this passed Thanksgiving. We did the whole court, custody and child support thing...I have sole custody and he is order to pay 270.00 a month to help me witt his son...in 7 yrs he has paid 70.00(true story) has never bought him anything not for birthdays or Christmas and lives 20mins away...has the same issue wit wanting me to bring him to him and really only wants to spend time wit him if Im around too(in my opinion). You as a mother have to continue to press on I was 21 when I got pregnant and it was and is still hard bc I never wanted to be a "single mother" but now that I am I just have to make sure all of the decisions I make are in his best interest. I also feel where your parents are coming from bc mine did too and at 1st I didnt understand and tried to do everything to give him a chance to be a father and not shut him out of his child's life but over time Ive just realized that its less stressful to deal wit the help of my family who I kno is gon to be there and have our back then to continue to stress out about what he is not doing. Prime Example; His father had the nerve to call me selfish today bc I asked him for money to put on his son's lunch at school when he said I know he is trying to find a place and doesnt have anywhere to stay...but your 1st reason for not beng able to keep him or spend time wit him is bc he got to work...but he is not paying any child support! "IM SELFISH when if I dont make sure all the bills where he(my son) lives are paid, buy his clothes, shoes, foods, toys, etc...he wouldnt have nothing if it wasnt for me he would be homeless just like you if I didnt!" So I just basically told him by the time I call him in regards to my son again he will be graduating from high school. (In closing) Stay encourage and continue to do what you have to do as a mother and when that child becomes a MILLIONAIRE bc the work and love you have invested then believe it will have been done paid off. Ill keep you guys in my prayer... 

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:18 PM
It's your kid but its also HIS kid and he deserves to see him too. That said, no it is not your responsibility to drive the kid to and fro and provide him w baby stuff. He needs to find his own way and get his own baby stuff if he's serious.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)