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Long Post: Furious with ex's wife

Posted by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 9:00 PM
  • 27 Replies

To start off i'm new to this group, I just needed somewhere to vent, i'm very frustrated and hurt. I'm not really sure where to begin, so I will start with the most recent episode. I call it an episode because I truly believe i'm living in a reality t.v. show LOL.

A little background, my ex and I have 5 children (ages 22d, 19d, 17d, 14d, and 9s) He has 3 step children with his current wife, and I have an 11 yo son that considers my ex a father. Ex has been married for 3.5 years to current wife. Current wifes oldest son molested our youngest son and has restrictions via protection order. Current wife has very different parenting style from mine (allows her children to have sex in their home, drink, smoke pot..etc...). Our 17 & 14 yo went to live with him fulltime about a year ago, our son lives with me fulltime. Recently 17d has decided she is bi and is dating a girl she goes to school with, this girl has not came out to her parents. I do not necessarily approve of my d having a gf, but i want her to be happy so i'm trying to accept it, even allowing them to visit during my vistation wknds. My rules differ greatly from what she's use to, at her dads she is allowed to have the gf spend the night. Recently my sons came home telling me they overheard/seen inappropriate things during the night from their sisters room. When I confronted ex about this he assured me he had been alerted and would handle the situation. Last wknd was my vistation wknd, my 17d txt saying she would not be coming to my house bc she was switching wknds so her brothers wouldn't be in the house when her gf was there visting and wouldn't be "seeing anything" this way. I then told her that I wasnt happy she'd chosen to swap wknds bc I like having all my children together at once, not swapping things around just bc of something that shouldn't be allowed anyways. So yesterday she txt asking if she could still come Friday..I responded with I have plans..she responded with can I come to your house so gf can pick me up...I responded with if you want to come here for my visitation thats fine but i'm not going to allow this if its just so you can go to gf...d responded with I can't believe you don't want to see me even if it's just for a little while thats not much of a mom....I said I do want to spend time with you, thats why I said you can come but not just as a way to get a ride to your gf, I then said I felt the gf's parents needed brought into the situation..thats when d got very biligerant throwing the F bomb all over the place at which time I responded with I love you but i'm putting my foot down. This is when things got worse. Later lastnight I got on FB and seen she had posted a status "That's fucking bullshit, you wanna use her against me because it'd hurt me? yea that's some kind of mother huh?. fucking love you too. I can't believe you'd stoop that low."  I intially wasn't going to respond bc she needs to vent also. Awhile later I noticed the SM had posted replies " Its okay........we know you aren't a toy to use and discard........now I don't have to share you.....lol...besides isn't it like being a hypocrate.......she wants to complain about what you do but she fails to tell the whole story...... smile...we love you." I responded with " really? sounds like your forgetting that Mike and I agreed to uphold each others decisions. Mike just told me to not allow her to pull this shit and you're going to put your two cents into the conversation? Shouldn't we allow her to vent without adding to the immaturity? I do not approve of many things that she is allowed to do, but i'm not butting in the middle until its being seen and heard by the younger children. All I'm saying is i'm not allowing her to use me for a ride when she didn't want to come here for my wknd anyways. I love her, but i'm not allowing this to become a habit". The SM then replied several times "  Kels is a deeply caring person and I'm sick of you not giving a shit.......really...its not your weekend....being their mother you should be jumping at the chance to spend whatever time you can with them seems how they don't even live with you anyways.The only time you want any of them living with you is when they can be of benefit to you........you use them for financial gain because you don't want to work....until you learn to be a mom...a real mom........and be there for the kids don't judge me......I have all of my kids all of the time....child support or not.......and I don't use them for maids either while I lay in bed all freakin day while my man and kids clean.......its ok..........I'm not mad I just don't agree with how you treat kids you gave birth to then treat them like shit and threaten them with everything they care about because you want it to be your way...wake up this isn't mcdonalds, subway, or burger king..........its not the jody show either.......she wanted to spend time with just you this weekend and you chose to tell her no......your loss" .I wouldn't worry about anything. Give it a few days it will blow over............the door will be on your room soon anyways and I bet it was never mentioned that the boys took it upon themselves to pull the curtain back to spy on you.....just like do to the girls when they are in the shower" Then she went on to belittle me for not coming to see the girls between visitation wknds and tell me what an awful mother I am. Nevermind that I kept all of the kids all summer without ever asking for anything, they didn't offer to stop between visitation wknds at that time either?? 

This is not the first time she's publicly humiliated me on FB, she even talks to my children like this without an issue developing. This confrontation isn't nearly as bad as its been in the past, when she gets very vulgar about sexual issues to try to get under my skin.

I'm just at a breaking point and need some advice. 

by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 9:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MeeshMom
by Platinum Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 9:11 PM
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It's really not your business or place to get your dds gfs parents involved. Let her come out to her parents on her own. She's 17 gonna be an adult soon. Stop blocking her with the gf card and let her be who she is. I think what you did was wrong but I don't think you're a bad mom. I think sm is an asshole though.
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Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Feb. 5, 2013 at 10:13 PM

Pretty much what I was thinking. 

Quoting MeeshMom:

It's really not your business or place to get your dds gfs parents involved. Let her come out to her parents on her own. She's 17 gonna be an adult soon. Stop blocking her with the gf card and let her be who she is. I think what you did was wrong but I don't think you're a bad mom. I think sm is an asshole though.


____________________________



Jodyb75
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 10:15 PM

am I wrong to think d should not be allowed overnight visits with gf? I would not allow overnight visits if it was a bf, so why a gf? 

Jodyb75
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 10:22 PM

I'm mainly not approving bc its not only affecting my young boys that go for wknd visitation but also my 14yo d that lives in the household. She told me she hates when the gf spends the night bc she has to turn her radio up as loud as she can to drown out their noises. 

I'm worried the sexual promiscuity that is allowed in their home is going to adversely affect my children and i'm not sure how to deal with it. To make things worse i'm having to deal with the SM voicing her opinion making it seem like i'm the bad person.

Several people have said I need to get the other parents involved bc the gf is being allowed to smoke and drink while she is there on the wknds. 

Just a month ago my 9yo DS came home from visitation saying his SB (15yo)had taken him when he went to buy weed.

Like I said this isn't the first time inappropriate things have taken place. 

I do appreciate your input.

MeeshMom
by Platinum Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 10:30 PM
3 moms liked this
I wouldn't approve of the overnight visits in my home. But you can't control what goes on in your exes home so you have to let that go and stop threatening to tell that others girls parents she's gay.
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MsLogansMommy
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 10:33 PM
1 mom liked this

I was really trying to find something in that post that I could agree with you on, at first I was going to say that SM really had no business butting in to your argument with your child but then I thought about it and if your child is being raised by SM then she kind of does have a little bit of a right she probably shouldnt have put that much business out there but she made some good points if my dd wasn't living with me (which I cant even imagine that) then I would take any thing I could get in the area of visitation. Whether or not she was meeting up at my house to meet a date or not I would still want to see her and about the gf you just need to get over that part I'm not going to even get into how I feel about gay and lesbian relationships cause if you aren't open to hear it then it is just a waste of my time but I will say no matter who she dates she is still your child and still deserving of your love and respect. I completely agree with Meesh you would be so far out of pocket if you outed the gf to her parents that is none of your concern stay out of that girls business all you would be doing is pushing your own child further away and hurting an innocent bystander in the process let that other girl figure out what is right for her on her own time. It is hard to look at our children as adults capable of making their own decisions but try to remember how you felt at 17 she isnt a little girl anymore give her a chance to make her own mistakes and to learn from them and offer her support and guidance but ultimately its up to her if she wants to accept it Good luck to you and her

Jodyb75
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 10:44 PM

I can see where it might look like i'm not understanding of my daughter, but I have been until the younger children are being affected. It's obvious the SM is just trying to be more of a friend (right now) then a parent, which I know there has to be a balance when you're a SP. I feel she should have either kept her opinion private or talked privately to my DD about it. I do take any chance I get to see my children, and have family gatherings all the time with all, but when SM decides to get into my business she likes to push any buttons she can. 


Thank you for your input :)

Quoting MsLogansMommy:

I was really trying to find something in that post that I could agree with you on, at first I was going to say that SM really had no business butting in to your argument with your child but then I thought about it and if your child is being raised by SM then she kind of does have a little bit of a right she probably shouldnt have put that much business out there but she made some good points if my dd wasn't living with me (which I cant even imagine that) then I would take any thing I could get in the area of visitation. Whether or not she was meeting up at my house to meet a date or not I would still want to see her and about the gf you just need to get over that part I'm not going to even get into how I feel about gay and lesbian relationships cause if you aren't open to hear it then it is just a waste of my time but I will say no matter who she dates she is still your child and still deserving of your love and respect. I completely agree with Meesh you would be so far out of pocket if you outed the gf to her parents that is none of your concern stay out of that girls business all you would be doing is pushing your own child further away and hurting an innocent bystander in the process let that other girl figure out what is right for her on her own time. It is hard to look at our children as adults capable of making their own decisions but try to remember how you felt at 17 she isnt a little girl anymore give her a chance to make her own mistakes and to learn from them and offer her support and guidance but ultimately its up to her if she wants to accept it Good luck to you and her



MsLogansMommy
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 11:04 PM

I agree with you SM should have spoken privately with your dd about this you are correct and if its any consolation most mature people that are reading those posts are probably viewing her behavior as immature it does sound like she is trying to be a friend to your dd (which isnt necessarily a bad thing) I would be grateful that they get along but I see your point that she isnt getting any adult type advice from the person who is suppose to be responsible for her.

As for the other part of your post I completely forgot about that part about the younger children seeing things that arent appropriate for them to see I guess I was kind of thrown by your comments regarding your dd relationship and just forgot about that issue and yes, you are correct that isn't okay but the bottom line is you have no control over what goes on in their house and soon you and SM both will have no legal control over anything dd does she is almost 18 so you have to just let that stuff go and try to build a relationship with your dd and all you can do is just ask her to respect the fact that her siblings are still minors and shouldn't be seeing any sexual behavior of any kind. Let her know that you would love to see her and if she chooses to spend time with her gf after your visit great being supportive of dd's choices doesnt mean you have to rent them a hotel room it just means you let her know you still love her and that you are there for her if she needs advice or someone to talk to etc.


Quoting Jodyb75:

I can see where it might look like i'm not understanding of my daughter, but I have been until the younger children are being affected. It's obvious the SM is just trying to be more of a friend (right now) then a parent, which I know there has to be a balance when you're a SP. I feel she should have either kept her opinion private or talked privately to my DD about it. I do take any chance I get to see my children, and have family gatherings all the time with all, but when SM decides to get into my business she likes to push any buttons she can. 

 

Thank you for your input :)

Quoting MsLogansMommy:

I was really trying to find something in that post that I could agree with you on, at first I was going to say that SM really had no business butting in to your argument with your child but then I thought about it and if your child is being raised by SM then she kind of does have a little bit of a right she probably shouldnt have put that much business out there but she made some good points if my dd wasn't living with me (which I cant even imagine that) then I would take any thing I could get in the area of visitation. Whether or not she was meeting up at my house to meet a date or not I would still want to see her and about the gf you just need to get over that part I'm not going to even get into how I feel about gay and lesbian relationships cause if you aren't open to hear it then it is just a waste of my time but I will say no matter who she dates she is still your child and still deserving of your love and respect. I completely agree with Meesh you would be so far out of pocket if you outed the gf to her parents that is none of your concern stay out of that girls business all you would be doing is pushing your own child further away and hurting an innocent bystander in the process let that other girl figure out what is right for her on her own time. It is hard to look at our children as adults capable of making their own decisions but try to remember how you felt at 17 she isnt a little girl anymore give her a chance to make her own mistakes and to learn from them and offer her support and guidance but ultimately its up to her if she wants to accept it Good luck to you and her

 

 


 

yezay
by Bronze Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 11:15 PM
I'm still hung up on the fact that your youngest child with your ex is 9 yet you have an 11 to that's not his...

Anyway I think everyone here is wrong but if your daughter never came out to you shed still be havig these sleep overs... Catch 22.
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Jodyb75
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 11:22 PM

To answer your question, my ex and I divorced in 2001 during which time I had a child from another relationship, we reconciled in 2003 and had another child. 

What is everyone wrong about? I do appreciate that my daughter felt comfortable enough to not hide her sexuality.


Quoting yezay:

I'm still hung up on the fact that your youngest child with your ex is 9 yet you have an 11 to that's not his...

Anyway I think everyone here is wrong but if your daughter never came out to you shed still be havig these sleep overs... Catch 22.



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