Anxiety about being a single mom. Don't know if I'm making the right decison..
I'm 23, I have a 5 year old son and I was with my fiance for 7 years. He treated me well and he's a wonderful dad. There were a lot of things wrong with our relationship but I'm questioning if I made the right choice to leave...
He's Samoan (I'm white) and there were so many aspects of his culture that I didn't understand or didn't agree with. Also, his family is Catholic and my family is baptist. I knew of our differences when we started out, and I decided to look past them. But as time went on I realized that we're just too completely different.
A big issue we had was his mom. She's crazy. Sh would stalk us..she'll call over and over until we answer. There hav been times that we took a 2 hour nap and we'll wake up to "23 missed calls-mom." And it's never over anything important...it'll be her telling him to go to the grocery store for her or something. Her husband died 7 years ago and she has to other kids, ages 8 and 13. She is now disabled (diabetes related issues) so my fiance helped her out a lot..which I understood. But even before she became disabled, she never worked. She mooches off the government and sees nothing wong with it. She makes my fiance give her money out of all his paychecks..even though we're already struggling with money. She knows the days he gets paid & she'll blow up his phone on his payday. His bothers are dirty and disrespectful. They're so rude to me and they never take showers. They constantly fight with each other and I don't want my son around that. I could go ON AND ON about this subject but I'd be writing a book so I'll move on..
My ex's dad died from a heart attack at a young age. My ex has gained a lot of weight over the years...he's over 300lbs and isn't doing anything about it. I've recently lost 42lbs by changing my lifestyle..and I wanted him to change it with me. But he wont, he still eats crap. He also has very poor hygiene.He works a physically demanding job overnights and I realize that he's exhaused when he gets home..but take a damn shower! It's not just a little odor...you walk into the room and become overwhelmed by the strong odor that smells like molded milk. And he'll lay on the clean bed or couch like that! This alone isn't a huge deal..but it's just another thing to add to the list. Our sex life sucked too. I'm a sexual person...but I just never wanted to do it with him. He would try to touch me and it would gross me out. There were a few times that I turned him down and I'd wake up later in the night to him putting himself inside me...SO WRONG. H did that when he KNEW I didn't want to.
Our personalities and goals are very different too. I'm known amongst my friends for my sense of humor. I laugh all the time. But I never thought my fiance was funny. He's a VERY serious person and he also has social anxiety. He never knew what to say around anyone and he would never undstand jokes when we're with everyone. We'll be watching the funniest movie ever and everyone would laugh...and he'd just be sitting there with a straight face because he doesn't get it. Also, I have goals in life. I'm getting my degree in either nursing or radiology and going on from there. I want a vetter future. One day I said something about owning a home someday..and he was like "what's wrong with living in an apartment for the rest of our life?? My mom lives in an apartment..do you look down on her??".....REALLY?! I couldn't believe it. Of course I want better than we have now. And he has the reading level of a 4th grader. I didn't realize this until a few years into our relationship, after I'd already fallen in love. I was always in advanced english classes....and my fiance is almost illiterate? I've tried working on this with him for years but we haven't gotten very far. I even tried signing him up for free adult literacy classes...but he says he never has time because of work. It's very scary to me that he can't read well.
He's also irresponsible. He's a VERY deep sleeper and he has sleep apnea. He would go to bed knowing he has to wake up at 7am and NEVER set an alarm. He just expectd his body to andomly wake up when it was time (which never happened) WHO DOES THAT?!? Any normal person knows to set alarms. It was stuff like this constantly happening..I'm not gonna write everythign because this is already long enough.
There is so much that I didn't include..but I was miderable for the last 2-3 years. I tried SO HARD to make myself love him again. I did so much research on marriage and I felt like I knew what it takes to make a marriage work. But I felt that HE wasn't the right person. When I'd think about our wedding day, it depressed me. I can't imagine being with him until I get old and die. But I still don't know if I made the right choice to leave. He ADORES me, he treated me like a QUEEN and he was such ana amazing dad. I feel so guilty for tearing our family apart. Our son needs his parents together. And no, we never fought around him so it wasn't a hostile environment. We would kiss and cuddle in front of our kid...he saw love. I have so much anxiety about being a single mom. I don't know if I can do this. I always hear about single moms leaving because of abuse, addiction or infedility...but there was none of that in our relationship. Did I have enough reason to leave?
I'M SO CONFUSED! If we didn't have a kid, I would DEFINITELY NOT be with him. But I feel like I have to be with him since we have a kid. I broke the heart of this man that adores me. :/