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Don't want DS hurt. Should I stop trying?

Posted by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:36 PM
  • 6 Replies

Hello everyone, 

I have a son who will be 9 in April. HIs father and I didn't have the greatest relationship but I always tried to encourage a relationship between the two of them. When my son was just months old the BD got back with his his ex. After that my son was nothing to him. I would call to see if he wanted to see my son. He always had something going on. BD would call and talk to DS but that's it. At around age 3 DS started asking why his dad was always so busy. I just kept saying that he worked a lot. He and his girlfriend got married. She was cool and tried with DS. She would call and arrange visits and such but BD was still distant.

When his wife got pregnant that was it. DS was 4 and was completely out of the picture then. I tried to arrange visits so DS could meet his sister but BD didn't want that. Finally BD called and said that DS and I were not what he wanted in life. He wanted a "real family" and not for his life to be compromised having to go back and fourth to pick up DS. Then he added that he would appreciate me not calling and bugging his family to see DS. But DS pushed the subject and wanted his daddy in his life.

We moved three states away but I go back often to visit my parents. Each time we visit DS asks me to call his dad to see if they can visit. It's always no. DS get's so sad and it hurt's him so much. My mom told me to stop. To tell DS that BD moved far away and that it would be hard to see him again. Just flat out lie. I feel like I should try because that's why DS wants and until he stops asking that I need to try for him. Anyone have this kind of experience? Will it hurt him more if I pretend the whole thing away? Or should I keep trying to push the subject only to see how he hurts with every no?

by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:36 PM
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Replies (1-6):
brieri
by Platinum Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 4:11 PM

 Hi and welcome to the group.

You have lied to him by saying daddy works.  Just say to your son "You don't know" when he ask to see daddy.  Because you don't.  It's up to daddy to tell him the truth of why he doesn't want the relationship with his son and don't you tell say anything to your ex about it.  It will come out and the only one daddy is going to hurt is your son.  Your son will someday find a way to forgive him if its not too late - (daddy died).

easinpc
by Gold Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 4:30 PM

 I agree with this mom.


Quoting brieri:

 Hi and welcome to the group.

You have lied to him by saying daddy works.  Just say to your son "You don't know" when he ask to see daddy.  Because you don't.  It's up to daddy to tell him the truth of why he doesn't want the relationship with his son and don't you tell say anything to your ex about it.  It will come out and the only one daddy is going to hurt is your son.  Your son will someday find a way to forgive him if its not too late - (daddy died).


 

Stephd710
by Silver Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 4:38 PM

I agree with previous posts.  Just tell him you dont know why he says no or why he cant go visit.  When he is ALOT older, you can tell him the real story. 

dawncs
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 4:56 PM

You can never force a man to become a father. However, no matter how hard he tries to hide his son from his daughter that she will find out one day. You should file for child support if you have not already, and if you have alreay, it maybe time to do a modification because his income has risen. Some states do take into consideration that he does not spend time with his son which can result in a higer portion of his income being considered for child support in some states. If he is not there physical wise, he should be there monetary wise.

LifeCafe42
by Nora on Feb. 11, 2013 at 11:43 PM
Hugs I'm sorry you are going through this you can't force him to be a das
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twade26
by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 2:12 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. My daughters father wants nothing to do with her and she is three and sees my son playing with his father and has started to ask where her daddy is. I honestly don't know what to tell her when she asks me this question. It is so hard as a parent to see your child hurting from someone elses stupiduty and knowing that there is nothing you can do to stop the pain. Just know you are not alone there are  alot of mothers going through the same thing. If you get an answer or someone has any good ideas please message me because I have no idea what to say at this point.

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