Am I a bad mom?

[shima]

My son is five years old. For the last two years or so he has only seen him every couple of months and half the time he would say he would say he would pick him up and then wouldn't and the rest of them he wouldn't call or text to even say one way or the other. We got to the point where ds didn't even think of his dad as his dad. We spend a lot of time with my parents and at this point if anyone asks him about his dad he starts describing my dad (his gp). I know the last couple of times that my ex picked him up he was calling him by his first name and was confused on why my ex wanted him to call him "dad". . Even though the weekends that ds is at his dads I am stressed out to the extreme. Whenever he has gone over there he comes home in the same clothes he went over there with, dirty, and smelling like he has been in a bar all weekend. Ds REEKS of cigarette smoke. My ex also has an 11 yr old son who has violent tendencies (I know this since his son lived with us for a few years).

In the last couple of months all of a sudden my ex wanted to pick him up for his weekends more. In a way it was kind of nice to see him showing an interest and when I talked to him about the smoking he said he would keep it away from my ds. After a few of these weekends, my ds started telling me about his weekends. From what I understand my ex leaves in the morning and doesn't come home till ds is about to go to bed and during the day leaves him with some woman he lives with and the other son. But according to my ex he never leaves the house. Before this "interest" in ds started I had signed him up for sports, he started basketball a few months ago and will start soccer in a few weeks. All his games are on Saturday mornings. When my ex texts (he's not allowed to call me anymore due to a court order since he was stalking me a while after I left him) now I tell him that ds has a game on Saturday and he can pick him afterwards or drop him off at his games in the mornings so he can play. My ex's response? "Well they're going to have to change the schedule!" Because yes I can ask the whole league to change their schedule due to my ex's lack of interest in watching his son play. The response to pick him up AFTER the games? He just can't do it, he doesn't have time. Which makes me think that he really IS working and leaving my ds.

Here are my questions:
Am I a horrible mom for being relieved that now that he has the games he doesn't go to his dads that often?
Am I horrible mom for being glad that my ds sees my dad as his father figure? (and no we did nothing to encourage that, but that's the way ds sees it)

[LifeCafe42]

His dads doesn't sound like a healthy environment for him you should go back to court if he won't work something out to do with the games

[tyfry7496]

In this situation, no. The environment at his fathers is unhealthy and he's not there.

[ZakkarysMom]

Not at all.

[victoriangavin]

Is he still dropping him off in this condition? If he is I would contact cps and tell them the situation, see if a cps worker can come out before he is picked up and be there when your ex picks ds up. Introduce the worker as a friend and don't tell your ex who the worker really is. Take a picture of ds before he goes to your ex's. Also have the worker at the house before ds is dropped off so the worker sees ds condition before and after the visit with the ex. Don't tell your son the truth just in case the ex asks. I don't know if they will do this but it wouldn't hurt to try and if they would that would be great evidence in court.

[easinpc]

 I agree with this!

Quoting LifeCafe42:

His dads doesn't sound like a healthy environment for him you should go back to court if he won't work something out to do with the games

 

[Stardust3405]

Definatly not!  You are concerned for the well being of your son- I applaud you. And as far as you dad goes, congratulations to him as well. Your son is blessed to have you and your parents- the unhealthy environment you are trying to keep him away from is not necessary for him at all. 

[Robsessed98]

No, you're not horrible at all. It's good that his dad wants to be involved, but it doesn't sound like he's willing to compromise or put ds first. If he won't give any on the smoking and letting ds do his scheduled activities, you probably need to try to get the visitation changed.

[ProudMommaBear]

His dad isn't providing a safe and stable environment for your son, and obviously is jsut taking him to make it seem like he's taking care of his child so he won't get into legal trouble liek child support, or other things... youre not a horrible mom for not wanting him to be with his dad, it's what's best for your child. Sometimes it's better to just not have one of the parents than to ahve them but not really "have" them you know what i mean?  And it's grea that he does have a father figure in his life! He needs that! :)