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What is financially fair and equitable when moving in?

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I am a single mom (divorced by my choice) and am talking with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years about moving in together.  We are discussing finances and how we would share the bills.  He owns a beautiful home, while I am still renting, 3 years after my divorce.  So, my son and I would move in with him.  What I am struggling with is how much I will pay when we live there.  

Here are the facts.  I currently pay $1250 per mo on rent and utilities and have very little left over after paying basic bills and putting $300 to savings.  I don't have credit card bills or gigantic car payment.   His house payment is $1100 per mo and then he has all of the usual utility bills, but his house is much bigger and he pays $400 for gardener and house keeper.  He lives comfortably and is not financially 'just getting by' as I am.  

He wants me to pay $900 per month of the $2700 he said he pays for the household expenses.  On one hand, I want to pay my fair share.  On the other hand, he is incurring a HUGE financial benefit, to the tune of $900, and my financial benefit is $350.  We will be living together with separate finances.  I will continue to buy my clothes at Target and Old Navy, and he will continue to spend $150 on sweaters at Nordstroms.  If I can't afford to go on a vacation (pay my half or portion) he will go without me.  We have taken a couple of smaller vacations where he has paid more like 2/3 of the cost though.

Am I off base here?  He also asked that if I start to earn more, if I would begin to pay more.  We are not getting married.  He said he would put the house in my name after a few years.  So, I will continue to live a simple financial life and he gains so much more!  But, on the other hand....I'm already paying $1250 and I do need to help out in the partnership.  I am so confused.  

I am feeling like $700 would be fair and contributes to the household expenses, but allows me to build savings and financial security of my own, as well as vacations.  Does this seem right?

by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 12:51 PM
Replies (21-30):
Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Feb. 20, 2013 at 10:50 PM

I agree.  Good luck to you and your decision.

Quoting sallij:

If you are living together without being married and the financial part is your concern, maybe moving in is a bad choice. It's good to have a plan in case things go south, but it seems that you are really fixated on it. As PP said, it sounds much more like a roommate situation rather than a next step in a relationship.


Quoting bzpdxmom:

I know....and that is all really logical and it's exactly what I struggle with.  The flip side, and one that I only saw once we were at the stops of moving in, was my financial future.

I will never be investing in my own home.  We are both in early 40's, so when I am 55, 60, 70 years old, I will have never paid into a home that I will own or have equity in.  It seems that I should be able to pay a little less and at least put it into savings, as a way of building a substitute equity.  

If we are to live together like we are married, without legally being married, it seems that my financial future and stability should be important.  

It's a balance between splitting the actuall bills and splitting the financial advantage of living together in an equal way.




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SnapIt
by Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 11:09 PM

Ha...

I didnt even think of that! Youre right. She would be taking up 2 rooms in reality, just like renting.

I dont think hes being selfish either, hes being smart. Its his property and he owns it. Cant blame him. To some women it may look like hes being selfish, but really in this time and age, hes covering his ass. Hes not wrong for doing so. If I owned that house and not married, Id do the same thing and not put anyones name on it and when we get married I would also make sure to have it on paper Im entitled to all of it after a divorce, since I aquired it before marriage. Too many people taking advantage these days so you have to be one up.

Quoting conniejo75:

My thoughts exactly plus there is 2 of you and only himself. If he were renting 2 rooms he would get at least that amount.

Quoting SnapIt:

I say hes saving you money by paying up 900 to begin with

If it were me, i wouldnt put anyones name on my house, unless we were married. So hes smart in that idea

He has a certain lifestyle and he should be able to keep it as is.

If he has a gardener and housekeeper, he should continue to have that.

Why should he change that now that you live there?

But he still has bills to pay and you are using it as well.

You will still be living nice and saving money so i dont think hes asking for much

He could be asking you to pay what you pay in rent now. So hes being reasonable.

Dont forget, it may be his house but its a bigger house and you are still saving money and you arent married. You are moving into his place.

He should have a say in how much you should pay for bills.

You can always keep renting....

900 isnt so bad when you think about you could be spending 1250 instead


bzpdxmom
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 11:37 PM

Snapit...I am not, by any means, the type of person to take advantage of anyone.  I work very hard and make a decent living and can totally afford to live on my own.  This man wants us to be a family and also does not need a roommate.  

If we were in our 20's and flat broke, then we would split hairs and worry about how many bedrooms we are taking up.  This man can fully support his home and lifestyle without me paying per sq foot!

My concern was being able to contribute to the lifestyle he leads and wants us to live if he wants me to pay 33% of his nearly $3000 cost to support his household expenses.  It's more of an emotional decison that I was struggling with, rather than the numbers that seemed logical.  I felt that if he wants me to be part of his life and take vacations with him, then I felt that I should not pay as much per month.  

I settled on $800 being the fair point.  It's just shy of the $900 he is asking for, which gives me a little extra wiggle room to put money aside.  I also told him that I need to continue to stick to my budget and any extra costs will need to be discussed ahead of time.

I feel good about the decison and everyone's comments were really helpful....from both sides of the spectrum :-)

Thanks, All!

Rain2Rinse
by Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 7:26 AM
I'm not really sure. I moved in with dh a few months before we were married because my attorney said this judge would view it in a better light. As my husband, he covered everything even though I could have assisted financially. We agreed (read he insisted) that my money would stay in my account, and he would take care of everything in exchange for my taking care of the family an the home.
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jedwards2009
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 7:33 AM
He kind of sounds like a jerk imo... But in all fairness it would make sense to split all costs 50/50, that is fair. But if you can't afford that, then something needs to be done. Maybe look for a house that you both can afford that will be yours together.
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quickbooksworm
by Bronze Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 7:36 AM
Split the costs 50/50 and if he wants lawn and maid services he should pay for them.
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allwritenow
by Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:31 AM
2 moms liked this

Realistically, if you are having trouble working this out in a way that feels fair to both of you, you shouldn't be moving in together.

iluv2bmum
by on Apr. 14, 2013 at 4:24 PM

I have to agree with this...

I can understand his side (to a point)... and I hear what you're saying about wanting to contribute in a way that you're comfortable... I personally won't be combining my income with anyone... ever... and yes... it's because I've had bad experiences financially in my last 2 relationships...

aside from the money issue... the way you describe things is more like a room-mate situation (as pointed out by other posters)... because this post is focused on the financial aspect... you can see how we would come to this conclusion... how is the relationship otherwise... whose idea was it for you to continue paying for your own personal stuff (clothing... half the trips... etc)... in the end... if i were in your shoes... i'd be staying in my own place and not moving in with him... but that's just me...

i wish you the best in figuring this out... it sure is a big decision to make...


Quoting allwritenow:

Realistically, if you are having trouble working this out in a way that feels fair to both of you, you shouldn't be moving in together.


mz23
by Bronze Member on Apr. 14, 2013 at 5:50 PM
If i move in with a roomate ill split the necessities down the middle. If i move in with a guy, i prob wouldnt pay anything. But that's just me.
mz23
by Bronze Member on Apr. 14, 2013 at 5:53 PM
1 mom liked this
Quoting Rain2Rinse:

I'm not really sure. I moved in with dh a few months before we were married because my attorney said this judge would view it in a better light. As my husband, he covered everything even though I could have assisted financially. We agreed (read he insisted) that my money would stay in my account, and he would take care of everything in exchange for my taking care of the family an the home.



I think thats how it should be. Id help , because that's how i am but if i am gonna move in with a man id hope hed want to take care of me and not want me worrying about bills thehe. Otherwise i can just get a roomate : l
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