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trying to get away from controlling husband lives beyond his means

Posted by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:17 AM
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1 mom liked this
I've been in a severely controlling, unhealthy relationship for 23 years of marrige. I have two, beautiful little girls with him. Two years ago I finally started the baby steps to get away. He is making it impossible!! We have been seperated for these two years..but living together for finances. I was a stay at home mom for 12 years. Now, I have a job as a Nanny. I agreed to stay a while to help him with bills. He has ruined our credit, can't even begin to pay off debt because we are in the negative with regular bills. Living in rental home we can't afford..he wants to stay...I want an apartment within my means!! Tired of living like this!! Home forclosed..car reposessed, drinking, gambeling issues with him as well. Every time I try to save up for an apartment...he finds ways to get my money. He'll wait until the phone or electric etc..gets turned off and I have no choice. We know when we split up we will each have the girls equal time. He says he will not have to pay child support because he has none to give???? At this point I just don't want to have to help him!!! I'm feeling hopeless here. Can anyone help me with thoughts or direction here?? Thank you for reading.
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
PoplarGrove
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:34 AM
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First of all, if he can't seem to pay the electric bill on time he really shouldn't be looking after kids half the time.  

Start putting money away and pretend it doesn't exist.  First off...either get a hold of the bills every month and make sure he's paying them or get them to send a copy of the bills to a different address where you can pick them up.  Do the same with any credit that you share with him.   Most utilities won't shut you off if you're paying something so if he doesn't pay send in a little.  Save every penny you can and only pay what you absolutely need to (you don't need a phone...you do need heat).

Go to your local social services and find out things you can do and benefits you'll be entitled to once you physically leave.  Get on the list for affordable housing.  

And stop being a door mat.  He knows you're saving money, he knows you'll bail him out, and he knows you'll stay as long as he keeps you down.  Child support is based on income, not on what you think you feel like paying.  You can have it taken directly off his wages before he even gets it.  

deltathree
by Gold Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 12:31 PM
1 mom liked this

Start putting money back and stop helping him.  It'll only get worse if you don't.  Sorry - hugs.

TempestRayne
by Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 12:40 PM
Seriously. and, just leave. find yourself a place you can afford and go for it. the longer you stay, the more you are hurting yourself. if you continue on like this, your children will be inheiriting massive debt when you die.
Quoting deltathree:

Start putting money back and stop helping him.  It'll only get worse if you don't.  Sorry - hugs.


HyperMom38
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 12:47 PM
2 moms liked this

Get your name off all the bills so it stops affecting your credit as much.  Get rid of any joint checking or credit card accounts.  Get your own checking account at a different bank than your hubby uses.  Have your check direct deposited if possible, if not- deposit it the same day your are paid and take out only what you need for your share of the bills.  Check with your local social services department to see if there is any help for battered/abused women- you may qualify for temporary assistance to get an apartment that is paid for  by them for a couple of months until you get on your feet.  Don't keep falling for his line of BS.  If you cannot afford to live there, don't stay.  If you are getting divorced he is not obligated to move somewhere to save on rent just because you want him to.  You need to stand on your own 2 feet and quit relying on him or any other man for that matter (except God of course!)  Good luck to you- I hope you get the confidence to do what you need to do for your sake and your childrens.

clippingmom
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 12:50 PM

I would be at the first shelter I could find. GET OUT!!!!! and let the chips fall where they may.

MeeshMom
by Platinum Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 12:51 PM
1 mom liked this
Call Dave Ramsey's radio show for advice! You need to get your finances separated. Get your name and social security number off his debts if possible. Also seek legal advice in separating your finances and credit. Good luck!
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cumbersome
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 1:28 PM
I appreciate your suggestions and the time it took you to type all that. However, I am not a doormat. You don't know me, him or all the details of what I have endured to get to this point. I am a survivor. Your doormat comment seems very judgemental and not helpful at all to any woman I would think?? Here for support and positivity.
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cumbersome
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 1:45 PM
I have tryed to find services to help me, guide me through this..i am not being a victim here. I really am trying to hunt down/research everything I can in any spare time I have. When I say babysteps..not kidding!! Finally have a car after all those years isolated. Two cars, one was always convieniently broke down. My dad got that one fixed and suddenly my husband needs it because his car isnt working. He is a master manipulater. I have tryed to figure out the bills, I get half truths and he loves to get me overwhelmed and confused with them..math was always my worst subject. I'm honestly doing the best I can. My family is soooo proud how far I've come. I am too. Now I have a car, a job, my own bank account as well. I have a few apartments in mind and trying my hardest to figure out a very tight budget. I have tryed to find services to help my situation. I am a Veteran and thought they may help. No. women services are all telling me the same thing...Unless there is domestic violence they can't help???
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Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Feb. 21, 2013 at 1:48 PM
I agree, you need out of there ASAP. Do you have friends or family you could stay worth for a couple months til you can get a place??

Quoting HyperMom38:

Get your name off all the bills so it stops affecting your credit as much.  Get rid of any joint checking or credit card accounts.  Get your own checking account at a different bank than your hubby uses.  Have your check direct deposited if possible, if not- deposit it the same day your are paid and take out only what you need for your share of the bills.  Check with your local social services department to see if there is any help for battered/abused women- you may qualify for temporary assistance to get an apartment that is paid for  by them for a couple of months until you get on your feet.  Don't keep falling for his line of BS.  If you cannot afford to live there, don't stay.  If you are getting divorced he is not obligated to move somewhere to save on rent just because you want him to.  You need to stand on your own 2 feet and quit relying on him or any other man for that matter (except God of course!)  Good luck to you- I hope you get the confidence to do what you need to do for your sake and your childrens.

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cumbersome
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 1:59 PM
I live in Kentucky (my husbands home town). All my family is in California. I have very few friends here because I have been so isolated by him. My dad helps as much as he can. He is frustrated to say the least.
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