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My daughter thinks ex's girlfriend is her mother.

Posted by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 11:43 AM
  • 8 Replies

I'm new here and have been trying to google some ideas on how to approach my ex on this issue.

We have are going through an international custody battle, in which his country gave him everything and me nothing but skype visits from my country. It's been a long work in process to get visitation alone back in the USA, where our daughter was born. 

My daughter who is 5, thinks that his girlfriend is her mother. When we skype she asked what color my eyes were (blue, like hers) then she said that her parents (father and gf) have green eyes. I tried telling her that I am her mommy, but I don't think she understands the concept of mommy and daddy just yet.

Just a yesterday she referred to his girlfriend as her mom. I'd like to email my ex about him not facilitating to our relationship as (mother/daughter). But I want to put it as nicely as I can without conflict, although I'm sure conflict will arise no matter what. It's something that I wanted to let go at first, but it's been reoccuring now. This would be different if they were married of course. 

I feel alienated, I am alienated. I may not get anywhere, but at least it would be documented through e-mail if anything. I feel like a total butt head for wanting to do this, but my daughter and what little relationship I have with her because of unfortuante events is extremely important for me. I want to hang on as long as I can. Any advice?

by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 11:43 AM
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by Platinum Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:30 PM
(((Hug))) I wish I had some advice for you, and I'm sure you already have an attorney involved. Hopefully your ex will listen to your concerns and help your daughter understand that you are her mom.
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:42 PM
Wow, that has to be tough. I would simply email him and ask him politely to explain who you are to her. When she's older and figures it out, odds are his deception will bite him in the ass. Until then, stay strong for her when you are reunited. Also be thankful she has a motherly figure to be there for her until you get her back. ((hugs))
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by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:42 PM

 Hi and welcome to the group.

I take it she is living with her dad?

by Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:51 PM
2 moms liked this

Ok so the internation hing complicates everything but i'm going to ignore that for now. I was once the girfriend/mommy so I'm going to tel you what I have to say form that perpective, take it or leave it. Firstly let me say that while I wanted to be a good parent to this little girl I also in no way wanted to replace her mother. I was supplemental but since we had custody most of the time I did have to step up into the mommy role for her sake. I didn't want her to fee like she didn't have a mommy just because her mommy wasnt there. Also I did not push her to call me mommy ever, at first it made me completely uncomfortable.  I can't say how much of this is true in your daughter's case but I'm hoping its not much different. We had our own little family but her mother was also a part of it no matter how far aay and no matter how infrequent the contact. THere were times when it was confusing for her but we tried our best to make it better. Now all of this being said I would have greatly appreciated more communication from her mother. It would have been nice to know if it upset her and to have the opportunit to explain my intentions and how things worked for us. It wasn't until we were married that she gave me that opportunity but she had a large grudge harbored for me already and it was difficult. Still I know she appreciated that I could give her daughter the things she couldnt at the time; someone to do her hair for her, to play tea with, to rub her back when she didn't feel well and to sing her to sleep. I know it broke her heart too but I never let my girl forget that her mommy was still her mommy and that she wished she could be with her. Now my suggestion to you is to definitely talk to him about how you are feeling without resentment or judgement. ASk for more conatact if you need it and ask what they your daughter when she asks about you, because I guarantee she asks! But i would also say to keep an open mind and an open heart. Its not an easy thing to accept someone else's child into your home if you know you are only a stand in for another parent. Now, if they are actually trying to phase you out of your daughter's life then gve em hell! If they say she never talks about you or that she doesn't want to see you they are lying. A child that age doesn't hold grudges, they love unconditionally even if they are confused. You are family and that is all it takes for her to love you.

by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 4:31 PM
1 mom liked this

It has to be heartbreaking to want to be in your daughter's life, and to have her call another woman "mom".  Do you think she can come to understand that both of you are moms to her, in different ways?  My heart goes out to you that you don't have more access to your daughter, so I wish you well as you continue to work on the legal issues of custody.  Stay strong, friend!

by Silver Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 4:59 PM
I take it the child was born in the u s. but you tried to relocate back to your country? What a devistating position to be in. No way would I ever leave my kid. We're you deported? There was no way for u to remain in the us? I'm so sorry you are going through this.
by Tina on Mar. 16, 2013 at 8:31 AM
Oh wow. I'm sorry Hun. Good luck and welcome!
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by on Mar. 16, 2013 at 10:42 PM
Quoting Mommyto2LilMen:

Oh wow. I'm sorry Hun. Good luck and welcome!

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