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Sharing custody of a newborn

Posted by on Mar. 17, 2013 at 12:23 AM
  • 12 Replies
Hello ladies,

Anyone had to share custody of a newborn with their ex? I have a 1 month old daughter and my husband wants to be able to see her but I don't feel comfortable having him come over to my house. I also don't want to bring her over to see him every day. Thanks in advance for any input!
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by on Mar. 17, 2013 at 12:23 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Oliviasmom72
by Bronze Member on Mar. 17, 2013 at 12:39 AM

Since you are married the baby is just as much his. Unless you want him to take the baby to his house you have got to suck it up and let him come over and see the baby. Perhaps get  nap in, while he is over for a couole hours seeing the baby? Do you not trust him?

prettymommylove
by on Mar. 17, 2013 at 12:45 AM

honestly father's ignorance is great for the mothers. you can probably monitor him with the baby if they're in your home and if you're breastfeeding it's easier to to this in your own home.

Maviloria
by on Mar. 17, 2013 at 4:08 AM
Hi Oliviasmom72,

I trust him with the kids but he and I are on bad terms right now and it would be better for both of us if we limited any contact as much as possible. I guess I have to accept the fact that we'll have to see each other even if we don't want to, I'm just not sure he's mature enough about the situation to look at it that way. It also just makes it so much harder to move on when I have to see him all the time. Napping while he is there is a great idea actually, ill try that and see how it goes!


Quoting Oliviasmom72:

Since you are married the baby is just as much his. Unless you want him to take the baby to his house you have got to suck it up and let him come over and see the baby. Perhaps get  nap in, while he is over for a couole hours seeing the baby? Do you not trust him?


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soulofsunmama
by on Mar. 17, 2013 at 4:16 AM
Well yes, it does suck, but you chose to have a baby with this man, and he will forever be the father. So you can choose the terms or have them chosen. Personally *I* would choose to have someone safe you trust come over a couple days a week, and be there, maybe in another room?
It doesn't have to be every single day, how about every other? Anyways, it is both your responsibilities to grow beyond your anger, resentments, whatever, and make this consistent and healthy for baby, however you (both)choose to do that.
Good luck.
It's hard.
Counseling can really help.


Quoting Maviloria:

Hi Oliviasmom72,



I trust him with the kids but he and I are on bad terms right now and it would be better for both of us if we limited any contact as much as possible. I guess I have to accept the fact that we'll have to see each other even if we don't want to, I'm just not sure he's mature enough about the situation to look at it that way. It also just makes it so much harder to move on when I have to see him all the time. Napping while he is there is a great idea actually, ill try that and see how it goes!




Quoting Oliviasmom72:

Since you are married the baby is just as much his. Unless you want him to take the baby to his house you have got to suck it up and let him come over and see the baby. Perhaps get  nap in, while he is over for a couole hours seeing the baby? Do you not trust him?


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honey27
by Bronze Member on Mar. 17, 2013 at 4:45 AM
Yeah I have and he would come over to see them not aloud rob take them. If you don't want him at your house maybe you have a relative that don't mind you guys meet there. Newborns are hard when u split with the ex and don't want to be around them but you have to let him see her so work it out.
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Robsessed98
by on Mar. 17, 2013 at 12:21 PM
Welcome. You don't have to do it every day. How about 3 days a week? I understand you may not be comfortable and dont want to, but the baby is just as much his as it is yours and he has every right that you do to spend time with it . If you go to court, he will be given visitation so you're gonna have to quit being selfish and get used to it. You're gonna be dealing with it for the next 18 years.
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Maviloria
by on Mar. 17, 2013 at 12:43 PM

You're right ladies... I guess I have to be the bigger person and try to deal with him for the kids' sakes as much as it will hurt me inside.  

twinmom719
by on Mar. 17, 2013 at 1:24 PM

Do you have a person that you trust that can "supervise" the visits?  Or at least be the one to take the baby over to his house and bring back so you don't have to see him?  My husband and I split up when my twins were six months old and I didn't trust him with the kids.  I was in the same boat you are, in that we were on bad terms and I did not want to see him.  I totally understand how you feel, I wished he would just go away and it was so much easier not to have to deal with him.  It doesn't make you a bad person to feel that way. Sharing a baby is so much different than an older child, with many more issues to worry about, naptime, feeding, baby safety, diapering, it can be a mess sending a baby back and forth between two people, even if the parents are on the best of terms.  It also requires a lot of talking between the two people, and how do you do that when you don't want to see th other parent!  I just had to figure out a solution that worked for both of us, since it was obvious that he was not going away.  

My parents did all the "handovers" so I never saw him, but it was hard on my parents to do, because they couldn't go out of town or anything, always had to be around.  He got to see them for 4 hours every Wednesday and Saturday until they were one, and then a bit longer after that, about 8 hours each visit.

Hope this helps and that you find a solution soon.  Things got better over time for me, and hopefully they will for you.

Oliviasmom72
by Bronze Member on Mar. 17, 2013 at 3:11 PM
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Well it sounds like there is no reason to not trust him. It is still is baby and he has the right to see the baby since he is your husband and legally the baby' father. Be the bigger person here and your kids will be better off I agree that every day is not necessary Set up a schedule maybe 1 or 2 days during the week for 2 or 3 hours (that way you can sleep) and 1 weekend day. There is no reason he should have supervised visits with his own baby, I disagree with the previous poster. Unless he is a danger to the kids, which it sounds like he is not, then I think 3 visits a week for a couple hours is reasonable. Good luck. How old is your other child with him?

Maviloria
by on Mar. 17, 2013 at 3:44 PM


Hi twinmom719,

unfortunately my ex doesn't get along with my parents, in fact he hates them and can't stand to be around them....so I would have to see him.  I'm thinking I will just have to drop the baby off at his apartment since I don't really want him in my house.  It would just bring back old memories and make me feel more depressed than I am.  How did you cope with your separation with twins?  I'm finding it so hard to not beg him to come back home when I know that's the worse thing I can do.  Just thinking about being a single mom of two makes me feel so scared and alone.

Quoting twinmom719:

Do you have a person that you trust that can "supervise" the visits?  Or at least be the one to take the baby over to his house and bring back so you don't have to see him?  My husband and I split up when my twins were six months old and I didn't trust him with the kids.  I was in the same boat you are, in that we were on bad terms and I did not want to see him.  I totally understand how you feel, I wished he would just go away and it was so much easier not to have to deal with him.  It doesn't make you a bad person to feel that way. Sharing a baby is so much different than an older child, with many more issues to worry about, naptime, feeding, baby safety, diapering, it can be a mess sending a baby back and forth between two people, even if the parents are on the best of terms.  It also requires a lot of talking between the two people, and how do you do that when you don't want to see th other parent!  I just had to figure out a solution that worked for both of us, since it was obvious that he was not going away.  

My parents did all the "handovers" so I never saw him, but it was hard on my parents to do, because they couldn't go out of town or anything, always had to be around.  He got to see them for 4 hours every Wednesday and Saturday until they were one, and then a bit longer after that, about 8 hours each visit.

Hope this helps and that you find a solution soon.  Things got better over time for me, and hopefully they will for you.



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