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How do I help my ex from a distance?

Posted by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 6:06 PM
  • 7 Replies
I was married to someone for almost 20 years- we divorced when I learned he was a serial cheater. He had always had "issues" but i really thought it was just his personality. Since the break up his stability (me) is gone and he has broken up w his gf that he left me for, lost his business, has serious legal issues. He became increasingly paranoid, delusional and erratic. I tried to help him, because stupid me- I still love him. He ended up being arrested once and held on two 5150s first in feb when neighbors called- and later in July when I called dept of mental health. At that time I got a dv restraining order and finalized the divorce. I was afraid for my kidsto be around him when he is out of control and has violent tendencies. Cops even admitted to me they were afraid of him. So since then he had moved up the coast to get away from our local police who he is convinced have him under surveillance. He had mellowed a bit but was still not quite right. He has been living on savings, which have literally run out. He has also had a heart attack and series if strokes in the interim. He is not employable. He has burned bridges w all friends and family. Now in the past eight days he has exploded again and is now on his second 5150 (psych eval) this week. The previous one ended w him assaulting an officer and going to jail. He has a court date next week. I know all this because his roommate- who I never met b4 called and told me- and said that he can't stay there anymore. Then the psychiatrist called to get information- because I am pretty much the only stable force in his life. They are thinking bipolar 1 or schizophrenia. I am terrified because I know when the 72 is up they are going to give him some meds, pat him on the head and then he will be...homeless? He literally is broke and has nowhere to stay and is creepy/dangerous scary when he is raging. Despite everything, i still love him- and this is still the father of my children...Any suggestions for resources or how best to deal w the situation and help him? Also because he is away and kids only have sporadic supervised phone contact... They are insulated and don't know what is happening w him. They are 17, 13 and 10 and have witnessed earlier behavior, so this wouldn't be a total surprise to them, but do you think I should tell them anything about what is going on or just preserve the peace they have and leave it on a need to know basis?
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by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 6:06 PM
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Replies (1-7):
by Bronze Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 6:55 PM
Karma a beotch! Sounds like right now he unhelpable. I know you aint this mean spiteful woman that"s rejoicing in his down fall. Maybe you can emotionally support him.
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by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 7:07 PM
It is very sweet of you to want to help him. See if he can apply for disability since he sounds like his mental illness could keep him from working. Then he could maybe apply for emergency housing or use his disability to get a small apartment. The National Alliance for Mental Illness may have resources. He can take his paperwork with the diagnosis of bipolar or schizophrenic to the social security office to get disabiity. Then he might qualify for medicaid to pay for his medication and once he is on meds and ok, the local behavioral health hospital might even help him find work.

You are so nice! :)
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by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 8:11 PM

 Yes - I like that "Serial Cheater".  sunglasses mini.

Contact an attorney and get a court order of something in order.  I don't know what to say.  Those types of people can be very difficult to handle if they are not under any psychiatric doctor.  Some mental illnesses cannot be treated, so it is best to contact an attorney and let the courts deal with him.  You can help him only for so long, but he has to take his own control in life - it may be not what you can do for him. 

by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 10:45 PM

Looks lkke the others have good advice..Good luck hun

by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 10:51 PM

Sounds like he really needs psych help. The kids are old enough to know what's really happening without you having to go into details. They will appreciate the information as opposed to being left in the dark and finding out on their own. He's not a bad person, he needs help. He may get better with help, he may not. But the kids need to know this. Mental illness is just as serious as any "physical" illness.

by Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 8:05 AM


He's the father of your children, so I can appreciate your concern for him, BUT he's not your problem anymore.....(I know, easier said than done!) The kids are your main priority and should be your only concern.

As for knowing, I think your kids are old enough to understand what's going on if its a need to know basis. Was he actively involved in their lives or not? And is he erractic behavior affecting your financial situation requiring you to carry a heavier load?

Don't allow his problems to become yours for the sake of your kids!!


by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 8:20 AM

IMO, let your kids know what has happened....don't elaborate or even try to put a spin on it...just give the facts.

He may end up doing jail time...prisons are now our nation's psychiatric hospitals...and that may be for the best ...and safest for all concerned.

It's nice for you to still care what happens to him, but for your own safety and your children's you simply can NOT be involved.  Don't reach out to him in any way.  I would talk with an attorney and see if you can get OPs for yourself and your kids. 

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