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Wonder if this would be good for them or not...help UPSETTING UPDATE

Posted by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 11:11 AM
  • 10 Replies
I posted a while back about my ex-husband passing away. My kids hadn't seen him for a year and a half-two years (they are 3 and 5) so obviously I have not told them yet. His family is very understanding in my decision, which I am grateful for. Now to the point, my dad and I were discussing this last night and he made a suggestion for when I tell them. I was originally planning on giving them each a picture and telling them that he is in heaven and watching over them, my dad thanks I should also take them to his grave. I'm uneasy about this, I haven't been out there since the funeral and I don't want to cry when I tell them. Would it be good for them? Some advice and opinions are welcome. Before asked I am telling them this summer after going to Disney World (unless one of them asks about him before then). My DD will be going to school with her cousins and I would rather her know from me before one of them let it slips in front of her. Thank you for taking the time to read this. UPDATE- I jut heard from his sister and told me that his ex girl friend (they were together r 2 weeks) is taking things off his grave and posting pictures of the stuff on FB!!!! I am beyond pissed right now!! I know nothing to do with my question just wanted/needed to get it out.
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 11:11 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lv_my_babies
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 11:50 AM

Please any advice would be great!

Mamavelt
by Bronze Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 11:52 AM
I am sorry that you have to deal w this. I think it is good that you are being honest w them. I think I would not be inclined to take them to the gravesite- they are still very young and burial is an abstract concept-especially since they will not see the coffin lowered. I would tell them and let their questions/comments guide you. Also I don't think it would be a bad thing if you showed an emotional response like cryingwhile telling them. He was someone you had a relationship and once loved, so it is normal that you would grieve, and would help validate feelings of sorrow or loss they may feel and need to express.
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lv_my_babies
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 3:41 PM

For some reason I can't quote anything weird......but thank you Mamavelt for your advice!

There is a rather upsetting update, but I can't seem to make seperate paragraphs in my main post.

Wish I knew why I can't do all this right now.....

tottaxi
by Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 4:03 PM

Do you kids ever even mention him?  I doubt that I would tell them anything until they ask "Where's dad?"  Then you can do the whole "Dad's in heaven" or whatever your belief system is.  At their age a gravesite visit would be weird.  It makes me uneasy and I'm an adult!!!

We all have to tell our children about death and that it is a natural occurance at some point.  I don't necessarily think that it should be sad and melancholy.  DS had his first experience with death when he found a dying toad on the sidewalk.  We tried to help it, but to no avail.  Then one of our dogs passed away with a brain tumor.  He knows that he was sick and that he passed away and is now in heaven and is happy there.

Explain only when necessary and in a manner that is age appropriate.

lv_my_babies
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 6:34 PM

Thanks tottaxi....till unable to quote.

I really do have to tell them this summer because my oldest will be going to school with her cousins and I don't want them to say to her, "hey, your daddy is dead" I would rather be the one to tell her. I wont allow them around their cousins right now because those kids still talk about it. 

tottaxi
by Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 6:59 PM

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has written books about death and how to explain it to children.  Check out those and maybe you will find a good way to approach the subject.

Why do you think these cousins would still be talking about his death months from now?

lv_my_babies
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:56 PM

I'll check thse out, thank you...hoping they have some at our library.

Because they still live with their grandmother and she is VERY vendictive, and she wont let a day go by without talking about it, I wont even take my kids around her right now because of it she is the only one that thinks I am wrong for not telling them yet. I really believe she will do whatever it takes to make sure those kids will say something, and plus their mom feels they will anyways because they are having a very hard time with him being gone. I would rather be safe than sorry, ya know. 


ame4c
by Silver Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 8:06 PM

Why do you not want them to see you cry??? Crying and greiving at a time like this is very healthy and they should not be made to feel that they can not do so. If they see you doing it, then they will see that it is o.k. to greive and get past it.  You can not protect them from pain, no matter how hard you try. Helping them get through it in a healthy way is all you can do.  Why were they not allowed to go to the funeral?  I agree they need to see the grave site for closer.  They need to be able to say good bye.

My son was 5 when my grandmother passed away.  He wrote her a letter, drew her a picture and put it in her coffin at her funeral.  This was his way of saying goodbye.  You have to allow them to grieve.

tyfry7496
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 8:10 PM
I agree. Going to the grave site will help give closure too. They can bring flowers or balloons to "send" to daddy in Heaven. You do need to tell them before someone else does.

Quoting ame4c:

Why do you not want them to see you cry??? Crying and greiving at a time like this is very healthy and they should not be made to feel that they can not do so. If they see you doing it, then they will see that it is o.k. to greive and get past it.  You can not protect them from pain, no matter how hard you try. Helping them get through it in a healthy way is all you can do.  Why were they not allowed to go to the funeral?  I agree they need to see the grave site for closer.  They need to be able to say good bye.

My son was 5 when my grandmother passed away.  He wrote her a letter, drew her a picture and put it in her coffin at her funeral.  This was his way of saying goodbye.  You have to allow them to grieve.

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lv_my_babies
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 8:18 PM

They didn't go because of how long it had been since they had last seen him, my youngest was only 4 months old...they don't remember him and I didn't want their only memory of him to be him in the coffin. I have a picture of the three of them together (the last time they were together) that I am giving to them. 

I already know I will cry when I tell them, I just don't want to cry like I did at his funeral. 

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