I know that I have a tendency to be really hard on myself.
However, it is frustrating me that people haven't been reaching out much to me. At least a neighbor has in the past little while.Granted, I can't always answer my phone when it rings. Also, if someone asks if they can do a specific thing for me it may not be what I need and I don't know what is off the top of my head.
I've had it with people telling me what to do. I was living with other's right after he was born, as a new mother. I've been alone with my 14 mo old since he was 9 months old. I can't seem to shake this interpretation that 1. mothers in my age category are probably the most disregarded, unloved, and disrespected 2. people want to make me accountable for how I'm raising my child (i.e. tell me what's best) if I do get any help from them. 3. If I need help then it must be because I'm not doing something right, according to them
It really seems like my friends and family are hoping that I'm just going to come to them with a victim mentality and ask to be saved. I know that my Mom does...she called me up recently to tell me that things are so hard for me. The time after that, the last time, she made sure to tell me that if I get sick someone would need to help me. My mom must suffer from a personality disorder because she has yelled at me in front on my son about totally unjustified nonsense, so I've been avoiding her. My father and all my extended family has always taken her side - if I give her a piece of my mind she has liked to let these people know how badly I've hurt her. Their position has been sympathizing with her and stepping away from me because my mother also gets jealous if anyone she knows is closer to me than she is. And, she can be a social saboteur and I believe it's because they're afraid of that more than believing I'm wrong. I'm not going to call my parents, my brother, my grandparents, my cousins, my aunt.
I shouldn't necessarily lump my friends into this, but I my friend Kathy (who has helped me out a ton when I needed it most) suffers from epilepsy and is always on a ton of meds. She has been very aloof, especially since her delinquent 16 year old step-son came to live with her, and the last time I visited her I calmly defended my position when she made sure to tell me that she thought Head Start home visits were for parents who didn't know what they were doing. My son has been in Head Start since last fall when I moved into this new apartment. So, she's a tough one too. I've called or texted her in the past few months just to see how she's doing and she's just responded with "what do you need?" I haven't asked her for hardly anything in the past, she's offered - I've been her project. At this point, I want(ed) to be a reciprocating friend.
There's other mothers near me with children just under 2 years that I could possibly trade child-care with. However, I read the book "Map of the World" and I have always felt that I'm about 5 seconds too slow with kids this age. That's about 5 seconds too long.
I guess my only way to be happy and healthy is to make enough money to hire a baby sitter from time to time.