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Edited with update: Nice to know I'm such a failure

Posted by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 9:15 PM
  • 12 Replies

My Mom basically called me this today. I warn you this is a bit long.

Thursday night I had a meeting at work. I took my son to dance and then over to my Mo's to watch him until my meeting since it was from 9pm to 10. So he stayed the night. He didn't have preschool the next day as they were closed for a staff day so he stayed the day there. When I got out of class at 3 I called to let her know I was on my way home. She told me that her and my son were invited to her friends house and that there were going to be a few kids his age and could he go. I said sure as it sounded like fun. I ended up meeting some girlfriends for dinner and came home about ten. I was actually really excited to have him stay because I am redoing his bedroom is a superhero theme and thought it would be a great surprise if he came home to a new bedroom that he said he wanted. He had no idea I had ordered all the stuff so I stayed up til 4am Friday night getting the decals up, curtains, new sheets etc etc.

Saturday they are still at my mom's friends house. My son was supposed to come with me to a friends baby shower but since they were still pretty far away she told me to just go ahead and go since they wouldn't be back in town in time. So at 3pm I call them and yes, they were at my Mom's house but she tells me that she told him he could stay the night again. I wasn't really happy about it since I miss him and weekends are supposed to be out time since during the week is so busy but since she already told him he could, I was kind of put in a bad spot.

So this morning I'm calling and calling since I wanted to take my son to see the Croods. He has never been to a theater before and I think he is old enough now to be able to sit that long and not lose interest halfway through the movie. Well she says he has a slight fever. So I go over there and bring lunch. When I get there it is just one insult after another about how awful it is that we live in a poor area of town, how awful it is that my parenting time is limited during the week because of school and work, and how awful it is that I can't afford to send him to a top notch preschool rather than the public one. Then I find out that my big bedroom surprise is no longer a surprise because not only did she tell him, she showed him the pics of his room that I posted on Facebook. Then she tells him AGAIN that he can stay the night without asking me. I said clearly I would prefer him home since it's a school night and then they both start having a fit. So I admit I was pretty upset and caved just because I wanted to find a corner and cry in.

So now I'm home by myself again and just.. I don't know. I'm just crying and crying. I try to do the best I can. I try to make sure he has everything. I have him in soccer, dance, T-ball, Ice skating, he always is dressed well. I read to him before bed. He gets hugged and kissed more than he actually wants. So why am I such a failure in her eyes? I can't make my degree get finished overnight. I can't work a really great paying job if I'm in school 3 days a week. 

What does she want from me? My son? Because that's what it feels like. I thought that maybe she was jealous that I was redoing his room because I had some extra money but that seems silly. I just don't know what to do now. Part of me wants to just go and rip him home and never let him over there again but she is his grandma and he adores her. It's like she is competing for something but I have no idea what. 


Edit: You ladies are so kind! Thank you for all the hugs and advice. I sat down tonight and told my Mother that she overstepped her bounds in a big way and that I am not her punching bag so whatever is really bothering her she needs to work through it. She got very defensive and a bit mean but when she began picking a fight I just told her I wasn't arguing, I said what I wanted to say, and I was taking my son home and to run errands. Then we left. I have no idea what the response is going to be but probably the silent treatment for a few days which may be best. 

Oh and whoever said he would still love his new room, you were right! He walked in and shrieked with happiness. He has been up there being a superhero ever since and has only come downstairs to hug/kiss me and tell me he loves his room and now he is "just soooo cool! You know why Mommy? Cause I have Captain America in my room! And Hawkeye! And Thor! and Iron man!"

My Mom and I have a lot to get worked out still but I didn't think doing it with boy in the next room was the time to hash it out

by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 9:15 PM
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Replies (1-10):
AWsMomma
by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 9:25 PM

I am so sorry your Mom is acting this way. I think you need to have a serious, calm talk to her about boundaries. Tell her while you love that he and she have a good time together, YOU are his mother and she needs to ask your permission first instead of just telling you what will happen (I don't know if I am reading too much into this). It sounds like you are doing a great job in providing a life and improving your life for you and your son, hang in there. 

Childofares
by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 9:58 PM

Thank you. I'm glad I didn't go with my first instinct to rip him out of there in a dramatic huff. I think you are right.. i should calm down first. I also don't want to address it with my son around. I will stress asking ME before just telling him he can do something. That was my main upset. I felt like I was being put in the position of bad guy which wouldn't bother me except that I had a few special things planned and didn't want they day ruined. 

Quoting AWsMomma:

I am so sorry your Mom is acting this way. I think you need to have a serious, calm talk to her about boundaries. Tell her while you love that he and she have a good time together, YOU are his mother and she needs to ask your permission first instead of just telling you what will happen (I don't know if I am reading too much into this). It sounds like you are doing a great job in providing a life and improving your life for you and your son, hang in there. 


LifeCafe42
by Nora on Mar. 24, 2013 at 11:31 PM
Hugs mama I'm so sorry she is doing this to you. Your son will love the room that was awesome you did that for him (my son watched me redo his room and still was super excited) she needs to remember who mom is you are doing great!!!
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BeachMommy07
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 9:20 AM

Your mom doesn't sound very supporting. I know it's hard, take her comments and ignore them. Your doing the best you can do. hugs

jalikym
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 10:21 AM

Sounds like your mom is craving attention. Maybe get her a massage or a pedicure.  My mom was like that always sabotaging me. I had to set some boundaries.  Hang in there. You are a great mom.  

angiefly2
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 10:47 AM

Grandparents love to spoil their grandchildren. I Had to have the talk with my mom about boundaries and after a while I had to remind her lol. My mom handled it well and is a very awesome grandmother and had the best intentions even when she was doing something I didn't approve of. (for example: buying my kids more toys when she knows they already have a gazillion and I had asked her not to do that, but she did it anyway. I really hope you and your mom can work this out. Hugs to you and you sound like an awesome mother. Going to college will benefit your son in so many ways! You are being a good role model!! Maybe that is something your mom should realize.

geminimomoftwo
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 11:17 AM
1 mom liked this

Some parents have issues with understanding that their children have become parents.  If this were me I would explain to mom in a calm manner the issues I was having and how it made me feel.  Let her know that your son will not be coming over anymore unless she can respect your role as mom.  She must ask you if he can stay longer than planned etc!  she is overstepping all kinds of boundaries!  Be prepared to follow through, have alternate options set up.  Once she understands that you take your role as mother seriously and understands that you appreciate her concern but you have it under control hopefully you will settle into a good place.  I had to do this with my father.  I ended up keeping my daughter from him for almost four months before he realized I was serious.  he is a very stubborn man!  but so is his daughter......  You sound like a good, dedicated mom.  Dont let this sidetrack you.  Be firm but loving with your mom.  hopefully all this comes from a place of concern. 

easinpc
by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 1:25 PM

Hugs!!

steviechick
by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 2:31 PM

My mother had the same problems with me when my DD was little.  I had to sit down and talk to her about boundaries, my life, and respecting everything about it.  It took her a few years, many tears and some months of not speaking to me (and my other siblings) until she realized what she was doing.  Today, we get along better then we ever had my entire life. 

Hugs to you!  Get those boundaries in order and ask for respect. 

lucasmadre
by Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:47 PM

Call mom and tell her when you will be picking up your son, also tell her that you think the two of you need to talk some time because you feel she is being very critical of you and you want to know why. Don't pick a fight, just see if you can get to the bottom of the problem with her. I have had some similar problems with my mom and in the end I really had to just remind her that my son is my son and her grandson. That I make the decisions regarding him and that I am very grateful for her help. 

From the things she has done (especially ruining YOUR surprise) she is clearly mad about something but  not willing to just be honest about her feelings with you. I think you may have to be the bigger person here and see if you can get to the bottom of it. Good luck, I have been in your shoes and it is hard...XO

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