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Ex's mother messaged me on FB

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Soooooo My ex's mother messaged me on FB. I'm torn on how to respond. 

Her son has a court order to have visitation but hasn't seen my son in almost 3 years. He just now contacted me 3 weeks ago asking to have my son call him and I said "per court order, you're supposed to call him not my son call you! You have my number, it hasn't changed in over 4+ years, learn how to pick up the phone for calling him instead of everyone else." 

He has yet to still call. His parents have never called my son before, never bought my son so much as a birthday present, have bad mouthed me because I refused to move to Toledo (1 1/2 hrs away from where my family is, the only family my sons know) because it's more convenient for his son who has an issue with keeping a job and they expect me to uproot and start all over. Mind you... my ex and I haven't been together for 11 years and they are still trash talking me. 

So what would you do in this situation? Below is the the message!

This is what she said on FB to me:

I am Paul's mom. I would like your permission to keep in touch with Manny. I would love to be able to call and talk with him sometime, but only if you will allow us. You can call us @ XXX-XXX-XXXX and let us know. I hope you are both doing well and I look forward to hearing from you.

***EDIT***

Sorry for the confusion... my son is 12 almost 13... his father and I haven't been together for 11 years. There is no court date yet.... I'm wanting to take him back so that he can get even more restrictions on visitation or none preferably since he has a problem with following them now.... We just don't have the $$$ for it right now. 

My son knows it's his decision on whether he wants his sperm donor and his family in his life. Honestly... my son wants more to do with my ex's now ex wife and her family than his sperm donor. So that tells you where his loyalty lies. He knows his sperm donor rather be with other females... he told me that his sperm donor was cheating on his step mother before his step mother told me. He told me one day "Paul is seeing some girl behind Becca's back. Is that how a marriage is supposed to be? Because Paul said that Becca and him had an open marriage but Becca doesn't know about the girl and I need to keep a secret about it!" 

Yes he calls his sperm donor Paul.... there is no reason to call him dad since he doesn't act like one and that was my son's decision.

Follow my weight loss Journey.... I have a weightloss goal to hit 135-140lbs by Oct 2012....Can I do it by changing the weigh I eat, using Body By Vi , and exercising more? We shall see!!!! http://www.myfitnesspal.com/luvmykidz04


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by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 11:11 PM
Replies (31-40):
Luv.My.Kidz
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:31 AM

I have... he wants nothing to do with his sperm donor... but I'm not sure about the grandparents.

Quoting bxmom2580:

Ask your son how he feels about it, he is old enough to decide for himself if he wants to talk to them or not


Quoting Luv.My.Kidz:

My son will be 13 in June. 

Quoting xixCandyxix:

How old is your son? Is he 11 or is he older than that?? Seriously I would just ignore the dad because at this age your son is probably realizing what a loser his dad is. Don't let him talk to the grandparents either it honestly sounds like they are up to no good!




Follow my weight loss Journey.... I have a weightloss goal to hit 135-140lbs by Oct 2012....Can I do it by changing the weigh I eat, using Body By Vi , and exercising more? We shall see!!!! http://www.myfitnesspal.com/luvmykidz04


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buzymom93
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:57 AM
1 mom liked this

i would allow it.. she is just asking for phone calls.. your son is old enough.. i may monitor the first couple to make sure they are appropriate.. but they are his grandparents

bxmom2580
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 12:02 PM
Ask him how he feels about the GP, most likely he wont want anything to do with them bc he doesn't even know them, but let it be his decision, that way your blameless,kwim


Quoting Luv.My.Kidz:

I have... he wants nothing to do with his sperm donor... but I'm not sure about the grandparents.

Quoting bxmom2580:

Ask your son how he feels about it, he is old enough to decide for himself if he wants to talk to them or not





Quoting Luv.My.Kidz:

My son will be 13 in June. 

Quoting xixCandyxix:

How old is your son? Is he 11 or is he older than that?? Seriously I would just ignore the dad because at this age your son is probably realizing what a loser his dad is. Don't let him talk to the grandparents either it honestly sounds like they are up to no good!






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Weinhagen
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 12:53 PM
1 mom liked this

Sounds to me like Paul's mom was being very respectful to you in reaching out. I gather from your responses to comments that you do not trust that she possibly has regrets and a change of heart? As a Child Psychologist I strongly encourage you to talk with your son (as I trust he is at least 11 years old?) -- let him know the other side of the family seems to be reaching out to him and ask him how he feels about that. Does he have an interest in getting to know them? What expectations of them might he have, etc. 

Don't hide your feelings about them from him, but by the same token don't bad mouth them either... as in effect, if you do you are bad-mouthing your son through his lineage, never a win for anyone that way. If your son is interested in getting to know them, even if it's only through phone conversations, have his back. Stick to your guns about them taking responsibility to call him... it is not the child's job to make that move. And if your son has no interest, respect your sons wishes to NOT speak with any of them. But do take the time to make yourself available to your son and ask him to question whatever choices he makes until he truly feels he's making a choice in the truth for himself... not a choice out of anger, fear, or spite... just a choice that truly fits his need as he understands it in the moment. 

best of luck to you all! 

Deannalee93
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 1:15 PM
It just sounds like they want to keep in touch with him. Just be aide they don't like you doesn't mean they have to stay away from your son. I just met my gramma shortly before my mom passed and I wasn't happy that shed kept her from me because of a dumb fight they had when I was born. As long as dads not trying to con himself in, I see no foul play. And even then, she's just asking to keep in touch, not visit. Even if she had asked to visit, you can tell her as long as dad doesn't tag along.
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aleman46
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 2:13 PM
I think u should be very cautious and wait until the courts handle the situation with the baby Daddy before responding because u never know her full intentions and if she didn't respect u b4 hand she may not repect u with there choices and rules u Have set for your son. I think its best u start dialogue with her first and see where that goes before b4 letting them talk to ur son and trust your instincts
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lovebienmom
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 2:31 PM

Sounds like a pretty passive message and pretty polite. I would email back with a day and a time for her to call. If you are concerned they will speak poorly of you to your child, put it on speaker listen and end the call if anything comes up that is unacceptable to you.As your child gets older you can let him decide if he wants to talk to her or them. Trust that all the hard work that you have done has put the values in your son to know right and wrong, bullshit from truth and the ability to explore a relationship with his other family members. Sucks to hear but although these people have hurt both of you in the past and maybe now...they still are his family and he needs the ability to explore that. If not your son may end up blaming andresenting you for the issues with his fathers side.

KPBMom
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 3:29 PM
1 mom liked this

I am not seeing the two things as connected.  What your ex does isn't necessarily influencing or influenced by what his mother does.  Maybe the in-laws are sick of their son's shenanigans and truly want a relationship with their grandson.

Here's how I would approach it.  How will your son feel if he finds out now or later that his father and grandparents both reached out to him, but you shut them down.

I think the ex's offering his number was actually more respectful than just calling out of the blue.  He put the ball in your court and you jammed it back in his face.  If I were him, I'd be wondering what was being said to my son.

Think of the lesson you have the opportunity to teach: The opportunity to forgive and move forward.  Naturally the ex and the grandparents need to earn that forgiveness and trust, but it won't happen if you just ignore them.

What would happen if something were to happen to you?  Where would your son go?

Bribriesmom
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 5:48 PM

I'm in the same boat as you are, the only difference is my daughter is 8 months old.  His mother and sisters contacted me and I set my pride aside and allow them to see her because they are her family.  I'm mad as heck at him, but his family is stepping up.  Your situation is hard, if they are trying to make ammends I would say that you be the one that communicates with them first and set the boundaries and the tone. 

Sheesh, the things we as single mother's have to go through.  We are protecting are children too.  Good luck.

ghostcat90
by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 12:04 AM

What does your son think on the subject?  IMO he's old enough to have an opinion.

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