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Disappearing Father....(Very Long)

Posted by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 11:20 AM
  • 8 Replies

I have not posted on here in probably a month. Well, my ex is now engaged to his new girl friend (the one who shoved me into a door and then threw me to the floor Dec. 30th when I was there to pick up my DD). And my ex finally officially told me that he is going to be moving to North Carolina with his fiance and her daughter (this is where she is from). I tried to get a more specific time frame than "very soon". He told me he would let me know when they got back in April (they are supposed to be going down there 4/5-4/9 to look for a place to live).


Previously, I had posted that my ex had filed for a modification of his child support with my case and his case with his ex-wife. His ex-wife's support did go down, but my support stayed the same because there was not a 20% change. The modification date was 3/15, and I still have not received any support since 2/20. He is set for a review hearing on 4/24.


Also, my ex's visitation with our DD has become a very big concern for me. Since the start of this year, he has only exercised 6 overnights. This is how visitation has gone:

1/4-1/6 - the only full weekend he has taken this year (2 Overnights)

1/18-1/19 - He only had her on 1/18 due to getting drunk and getting in a fight with his girl friend. (1 Overnight)

2/1-2/2 - Due to the weekend where he got so drunk when she was there, I had filed for him to have supervised visitation. He didn't make arrangements to see her 2/1, but did get her 2/2. (1 Overnight)

2/15-2/16 - He only got her 2/16 because he was fixing something at the house on on 2/15. (1 Overnight)

3/1-3/2 - He missed the whole weekend. Supposedly the new girlfriend and her daughter were ill on Friday, and then he was ill on Saturday. (I say supposedly because the day before we had court about selling the house he is living in and he found out the house will sell) (0 Overnights)

3/15-3/16 - He did not get her 3/15 because he "had plans." He did get her 3/16 after a month of not seeing DD. (1 Overnight)

3/29-3/30 - He did not call, text, or get our DD. This is the first time that he has completely ignored his parenting time without some sort of excuse. (0 Overnights)


I have not spoken to my ex since Thursday 3/21 when I was trying to have the insurance adjuster look at the house we jointly own - that he lives in. He supposedly does not have the same phone number anymore and so I have no way of contacting him. I have his family's phone numbers and his girlfriend's number, but I am not calling or texting the girlfriend - and his family does not want brought in on anything (I don't blame them). DD is picking up on the fact that she might not see her Daddy again because I can't even say that she will see him again or will see him soon. All I can say is that I don't know when she will see her Daddy again when she asks. And when she asks if she will ever see Daddy again or things along those lines, I just say that I know she misses Daddy. It sucks.


I know that if he leaves now and stays out of her life, she will adjust - I mean I know it still won't be super easy, but there won't be so much back and forth. I am just concerned that he is going to continue with this sporadic stuff. She needs consistency. And if he does disappear as he appears to be doing, I am going to reach out to his family to be involved in DD's life because even if they don't like me, she misses her cousins. If he is going to disappear, I feel like maybe I should change our custody agreement. Currently, I have physical custody with us sharing legal custody and him having parenting time pursuant to Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines. I feel like I maybe should have it changed to where I have sole physical and legal custody. I would say parenting time up to my discretion, but I know that would never go through. Ultimately, I just worry about my dd.

by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 11:20 AM
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Replies (1-8):
breebree04
by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 12:28 PM
1 mom liked this

If he leaves (moves) you should go back to court and have the custody agreement changed. As far as right now and him not being consistent, idk if you can do anything about that. I went through this with my ex (in the beginning of our seperation). He would skip out on getting the kids and then show up when he felt like it. It was taking a toll on the kids and my ds was starting to act out really bad. When we went to court they told me that there was nothing they could/would do about it. That is was his choice to see the kids or not but I still had to follow the parenting time stated in the custody agreement if he did want them. I was so pissed but eventually he started getting the kids when he was suppose to. Your dd will adjust when he leaves but it will be hard on her for awhile until she get use to the situation and not seeing him.

amonkeymom
by Gold Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 1:00 PM

hugs

How old is your daughter?  Does she talk about missing her daddy?

sunshine389142
by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 1:52 PM


She is 4.  She will be 5 July 1st.  She does ask.  I did not tell her that her dad missed his time with her.  I had a feeling he was going to skip out this past weekend so I just made sure we did stuff and didn't bring it up.  But she always talks about missing him and loving him (even when she was seeing him a little more every picture she made was for Daddy - my mom said its because she is insecure about his love for her, which makes sense).  Normally I would say that she would see him soon or whatever because he never flat out ignored me or her and he always saw her eventually.  I was never worried about him just walking away from her.  He had always made a big deal about how important DD is to him.  However, since things with his gf/fiance and forcing the sale of the house, he has not been acting like himself at all.  And I think the gf is influencing him to just walk away.  He is ignoring me and even told our real estate agent that he blocked my number and doesn't want to talk to me.  But he is not just ignoring me.  He is ignoring DD and his other two kids as well.  

I know she will be okay eventually....but I feel so bad for her.  I would probably feel better if I was married and she had a father figure around....but he is all she has and he is not what she deserves.  

She is picking up on him disappearing though.  The fact that he has not called her back and I can't tell her even remotely that she will see him again...She is smart.  She actually has said twice in the last week a statement along the lines that she will never see her daddy again.  All I say is that I know she misses him.  I don't want to confirm the thought or give her hope that she will see him either.

His ex-wife and I have been getting along now for the past 9 months or so.  So, the kids can have been able to spend time with each other which is really good.  I had been missing them too, so it is nice for me to see them as well.

I keep trying to stay positive for me and DD...but it is more tiring some days than others.  I appreciate the support.  And I have a great family that is there for me as well...I just can't wait until things calm down and I hopefully get use to everything.  I need to destress.

Quoting amonkeymom:

hugs

How old is your daughter?  Does she talk about missing her daddy?



amonkeymom
by Gold Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 3:21 PM

Bummer... I was kind of hoping she wasn't old enough to be understanding his game, but it sounds like she is.

I am glad she can visit with her siblings though.:)

Quoting sunshine389142:


She is 4.  She will be 5 July 1st.  She does ask.  I did not tell her that her dad missed his time with her.  I had a feeling he was going to skip out this past weekend so I just made sure we did stuff and didn't bring it up.  But she always talks about missing him and loving him (even when she was seeing him a little more every picture she made was for Daddy - my mom said its because she is insecure about his love for her, which makes sense).  Normally I would say that she would see him soon or whatever because he never flat out ignored me or her and he always saw her eventually.  I was never worried about him just walking away from her.  He had always made a big deal about how important DD is to him.  However, since things with his gf/fiance and forcing the sale of the house, he has not been acting like himself at all.  And I think the gf is influencing him to just walk away.  He is ignoring me and even told our real estate agent that he blocked my number and doesn't want to talk to me.  But he is not just ignoring me.  He is ignoring DD and his other two kids as well.  

I know she will be okay eventually....but I feel so bad for her.  I would probably feel better if I was married and she had a father figure around....but he is all she has and he is not what she deserves.  

She is picking up on him disappearing though.  The fact that he has not called her back and I can't tell her even remotely that she will see him again...She is smart.  She actually has said twice in the last week a statement along the lines that she will never see her daddy again.  All I say is that I know she misses him.  I don't want to confirm the thought or give her hope that she will see him either.

His ex-wife and I have been getting along now for the past 9 months or so.  So, the kids can have been able to spend time with each other which is really good.  I had been missing them too, so it is nice for me to see them as well.

I keep trying to stay positive for me and DD...but it is more tiring some days than others.  I appreciate the support.  And I have a great family that is there for me as well...I just can't wait until things calm down and I hopefully get use to everything.  I need to destress.

Quoting amonkeymom:

hugs

How old is your daughter?  Does she talk about missing her daddy?




brieri
by Platinum Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 4:17 PM

Does your court order specifically say neither of you can leave the state/city in which you live in,  or to be able to move out of state anytime? 

sunshine389142
by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 4:43 PM

Ha ha.  No.  It is a juvenile paternity case, not a divorce.  And I don't know anyone who has an order restricting if a person can move or not.  The state of Indiana requires 90 days notice to the court and other party of a move - even if it is just across the street - so that if there needs to be changes to parenting time/custody that can be addressed.  I don't actually know what happens if they don't notify the court/other party.  However, although he has not notified me in writing or the court, he has been talking about it long enough I doubt the courts would care too much.  I don't care that he moves (I mean other than being hard on DD).  I just am definitely not going to have her going down there for extended visitations.  That is a probably the biggest concern with the move.  However, if he is ignoring me now....and ignoring DD....I may not have anything to worry about.


Quoting brieri:

Does your court order specifically say neither of you can leave the state/city in which you live in,  or to be able to move out of state anytime? 



brieri
by Platinum Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:06 PM

 Ok.  well some of these things are quite new to me. Whether or not you were married legit or co-habitating, it all comes down into the court room to have any type of papers filed relating to a child in some way if you are not living with the child's other parent.  If he's moving out of state, the court should know about it  He told you, he's moving out of state, you just don't have an address- take him back to court when 90 days has been up.  See what happens.  I have never heard of such a thing going back to court if just moving across the street or across town as long as it's still in the same state.The other party is just informed in writing.    It's only when moving out of  the state the courts are most likely wanting to know.  


 

  Quoting sunshine389142:

Ha ha.  No.  It is a juvenile paternity case, not a divorce.  And I don't know anyone who has an order restricting if a person can move or not.  The state of Indiana requires 90 days notice to the court and other party of a move - even if it is just across the street - so that if there needs to be changes to parenting time/custody that can be addressed.  I don't actually know what happens if they don't notify the court/other party.  However, although he has not notified me in writing or the court, he has been talking about it long enough I doubt the courts would care too much.  I don't care that he moves (I mean other than being hard on DD).  I just am definitely not going to have her going down there for extended visitations.  That is a probably the biggest concern with the move.  However, if he is ignoring me now....and ignoring DD....I may not have anything to worry about.

 

Quoting brieri:

Does your court order specifically say neither of you can leave the state/city in which you live in,  or to be able to move out of state anytime? 

 

 

 

sunshine389142
by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:44 PM


You don't have to go to court about it.  You just write a petition or a letter notifying the court and the other party that you are moving.  The judges normally just send out a notice giving the party not moving a chance to contest the move or file something about custody/parenting time.  If they don't respond, no one goes to court.


We have a court order for child support.  He is also allowed visitation pursuant Indiana parenting time guidelines, but has never exercised that much.  He generally did every other weekend only.   However this year is not following that.  The parenting time stuff was never addressed in court.  We did it through the IV-D Child Support Office.  I filed to restrict his parenting time, but we filed an agreement addressing the issues.  However, had I known he was going to move, I would not have agreed to unsupervised parenting time.  I am okay with it while he is here because his visitation is short-term (only EOW) and I have the opportunity to monitor his parenting time more closely.  A few states a way for extended visitation, I do not trust him.

Quoting brieri:

 Ok.  well some of these things are quite new to me. Whether or not you were married legit or co-habitating, it all comes down into the court room to have any type of papers filed relating to a child in some way if you are not living with the child's other parent.  If he's moving out of state, the court should know about it  He told you, he's moving out of state, you just don't have an address- take him back to court when 90 days has been up.  See what happens.  I have never heard of such a thing going back to court if just moving across the street or across town as long as it's still in the same state.The other party is just informed in writing.    It's only when moving out of  the state the courts are most likely wanting to know.  


 

  Quoting sunshine389142:

Ha ha.  No.  It is a juvenile paternity case, not a divorce.  And I don't know anyone who has an order restricting if a person can move or not.  The state of Indiana requires 90 days notice to the court and other party of a move - even if it is just across the street - so that if there needs to be changes to parenting time/custody that can be addressed.  I don't actually know what happens if they don't notify the court/other party.  However, although he has not notified me in writing or the court, he has been talking about it long enough I doubt the courts would care too much.  I don't care that he moves (I mean other than being hard on DD).  I just am definitely not going to have her going down there for extended visitations.  That is a probably the biggest concern with the move.  However, if he is ignoring me now....and ignoring DD....I may not have anything to worry about.


Quoting brieri:

Does your court order specifically say neither of you can leave the state/city in which you live in,  or to be able to move out of state anytime? 



 



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