Ever hopeful that people can change, when he gave up drinking and things improved a little, we managed to have two beautiful daughters. He didn't change though. Never really have up drinking. Drunken, self-centered assholes don't change.
I do every single thing for our daughters and always have. Doctors appointments, dentist appointments, parent-teacher meetings, school projects, birthdays, Santa, the Easter bunny, sports, activities, soothing hurt feelings, teaching values, showing what it means to love! All me. Never, ever him. Honestly, I consider it my privilege to care for and provide for my daughters. I consider myself to be the luckiest woman in the world to be their mom. But his complete apathy is infuriating. He takes the kids overnight once every month or so, from dinner to breakfast. And dinner for an hour one night a week. That's it. Nothing more. Ever.
So we went to a mediator and he doesn't cooperate, so I file for divorce, he drags his feet, we come up with an agreement but he changes his mind before we get to court. We go back to attorneys, he drags his feet. For 4 years! All along the way I am assured by him and by his lawyer that I will be reimbursed for his share (36%) of the thousands of documentable dollars I am spending on all the things that cost money when you have kids. All the while, he calls me a bitch, insane, even (this is hard to type) a cunt.
So we finally have the four way with the attorneys this week and, surprise, surprise, he refused to pay me a penny. Off to court we go. He owes me about $15,000 and my attorney says I'll be lucky to get $5,000 because it's all money from the past. He says the judge won't go back retro. Since my outstanding legal bills are about $9,000 I am competently in the hole. Oh, and with the mediation, I have already dished out more than $20,000 in legal fees.
Now I have to go to court next month and stand there and listen to crap about how poor he is. Did I mention he inherited $86,000 a year ago and drank it down to $21,000 left? Yup. He also doesn't want to pay anything toward kids activities going forward, because he can't afford it. Yet, he pays $70 a month for two dating websites.
So, my question to all of you is, do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and sob at the injustice that has been served to you? And if so, how do you deal with it? How do you get rid of that infuriating, powerless feeling that you have been screwed, violated, completely disregarded as a human? Especially when you are an amazingly kind, good hearted, caring, person, an awesome mother, and someone who works her ass off. How do you sleep at night?
I could use advise. Thank you.