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Hatred that keeps you up at night.

Posted by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 8:07 PM
  • 14 Replies
I am trying to divorce a dirt-bag alcoholic. We were married for 13 years when i finally got him to move out. During those years, I worked 2, 3 and at one point 4 jobs to put him through college. He drank, lied, and was an all around asshole.

Ever hopeful that people can change, when he gave up drinking and things improved a little, we managed to have two beautiful daughters. He didn't change though. Never really have up drinking. Drunken, self-centered assholes don't change.

I do every single thing for our daughters and always have. Doctors appointments, dentist appointments, parent-teacher meetings, school projects, birthdays, Santa, the Easter bunny, sports, activities, soothing hurt feelings, teaching values, showing what it means to love! All me. Never, ever him. Honestly, I consider it my privilege to care for and provide for my daughters. I consider myself to be the luckiest woman in the world to be their mom. But his complete apathy is infuriating. He takes the kids overnight once every month or so, from dinner to breakfast. And dinner for an hour one night a week. That's it. Nothing more. Ever.

So we went to a mediator and he doesn't cooperate, so I file for divorce, he drags his feet, we come up with an agreement but he changes his mind before we get to court. We go back to attorneys, he drags his feet. For 4 years! All along the way I am assured by him and by his lawyer that I will be reimbursed for his share (36%) of the thousands of documentable dollars I am spending on all the things that cost money when you have kids. All the while, he calls me a bitch, insane, even (this is hard to type) a cunt.

So we finally have the four way with the attorneys this week and, surprise, surprise, he refused to pay me a penny. Off to court we go. He owes me about $15,000 and my attorney says I'll be lucky to get $5,000 because it's all money from the past. He says the judge won't go back retro. Since my outstanding legal bills are about $9,000 I am competently in the hole. Oh, and with the mediation, I have already dished out more than $20,000 in legal fees.

Now I have to go to court next month and stand there and listen to crap about how poor he is. Did I mention he inherited $86,000 a year ago and drank it down to $21,000 left? Yup. He also doesn't want to pay anything toward kids activities going forward, because he can't afford it. Yet, he pays $70 a month for two dating websites.

So, my question to all of you is, do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and sob at the injustice that has been served to you? And if so, how do you deal with it? How do you get rid of that infuriating, powerless feeling that you have been screwed, violated, completely disregarded as a human? Especially when you are an amazingly kind, good hearted, caring, person, an awesome mother, and someone who works her ass off. How do you sleep at night?

I could use advise. Thank you.
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by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 8:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
gloryprincesa
by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 8:21 PM
2 moms liked this
I definitely can relate with almost everything you've said. And the way I deal with it at night is I usually cry and promise to let it out and be over it as quickly as possible. And then I pray. I don't know if u are a believer or not but I am and I know just like u that I am a good woman and am really trying to do the best I can. I pray to not hate him even though everything inside me does. Because in the end that hatred will just eat at us every night while he's not losing any sleep. I tell myself not to worry because by worrying it shows my lack of faith that god is going to see me through this hard time. Let go and let god! And somehow this speech comforts me enough to fall back alseep. ;) hope this helps!
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faerie75
by Ruby Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 12:57 AM
4 moms liked this
I let it go. A loser is a loser. He won't ever step up. Instead of fighting, move on. Lawyers just want fighting cuz it makes them money.

It will take time to get to this apathy but you will get there.
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deltathree
by Gold Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 10:14 AM
1 mom liked this

I totally hear you.  I am so sorry.  Prayer, meditating, and venting help me.  It is really hard, though.  It takes time.  Huge hugs.

Lurion
by Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:34 AM
2 moms liked this

That really sucks. 

Maybe it will help you to think it "only" cost you $20K and if you had stayed with him a lot longer, he could have put you in the hole for a lot more. Many women stay and stay until they totally destroy any chance of a future. 

And thank God your daughter will not be raised like that!! 

If you were still married when he got the inheritance, aren't you entitled to half of that? 

Are you confident that your lawyer is good? 

bjane01
by Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:54 AM
1 mom liked this
I have been there for over a year now. Sometimes I feel like the anger could eat me alive. My ex has a totally amazing way of being a royal ass then turning it around to gather sympathy from everyone around him. He plays innoscent and it is completely disgusting. The things he has done is unbelievable. I have spent thousands of dollars in court for him to jerk me around.

I look at it this way, as time goes on he will be less and less in my life. I know I have to let go of my anger but I am not ready to. It helps me deal with court and stand up for myself right now. In the end truth is he lost the best thing he will ever have in his life. Me. No one would ever tolerate his crap for as long as I did. He realizes that tooo. Now that is karma.
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Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Apr. 7, 2013 at 2:08 PM
*hugs*
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Andrewsmom70
by Silver Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 2:09 PM
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You have got to let it go. I made the choice to not let anyone have control/ power over me like that. Letting it eat you alive is only hurting you. Let it go and move on.

You CAN do it but it is an active choice you have to decide to make.
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LifeCafe42
by Nora on Apr. 7, 2013 at 2:56 PM
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Hugs mama you have to make the conscious decision to move on. He has done you very wrong but giving him the gratification of making you miserable doesn't help your cause
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cebmommy
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 6:35 PM
Thank you all. I never imagined a group of women I do not even know could be so supportive and helpful! I so appreciate your words of encouragement. You are right, I need to move on. I know this, but i need to hear it. I will re-read your words when I wake up furious at 4 a.m. and you will help me. Thanks.
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Andrewsmom70
by Silver Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 6:59 PM
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Write out your feelings. Keep a journal. Put it all on paper and sometimes that helps take it off your mind.
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