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Hatred that keeps you up at night.

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I am trying to divorce a dirt-bag alcoholic. We were married for 13 years when i finally got him to move out. During those years, I worked 2, 3 and at one point 4 jobs to put him through college. He drank, lied, and was an all around asshole.

Ever hopeful that people can change, when he gave up drinking and things improved a little, we managed to have two beautiful daughters. He didn't change though. Never really have up drinking. Drunken, self-centered assholes don't change.

I do every single thing for our daughters and always have. Doctors appointments, dentist appointments, parent-teacher meetings, school projects, birthdays, Santa, the Easter bunny, sports, activities, soothing hurt feelings, teaching values, showing what it means to love! All me. Never, ever him. Honestly, I consider it my privilege to care for and provide for my daughters. I consider myself to be the luckiest woman in the world to be their mom. But his complete apathy is infuriating. He takes the kids overnight once every month or so, from dinner to breakfast. And dinner for an hour one night a week. That's it. Nothing more. Ever.

So we went to a mediator and he doesn't cooperate, so I file for divorce, he drags his feet, we come up with an agreement but he changes his mind before we get to court. We go back to attorneys, he drags his feet. For 4 years! All along the way I am assured by him and by his lawyer that I will be reimbursed for his share (36%) of the thousands of documentable dollars I am spending on all the things that cost money when you have kids. All the while, he calls me a bitch, insane, even (this is hard to type) a cunt.

So we finally have the four way with the attorneys this week and, surprise, surprise, he refused to pay me a penny. Off to court we go. He owes me about $15,000 and my attorney says I'll be lucky to get $5,000 because it's all money from the past. He says the judge won't go back retro. Since my outstanding legal bills are about $9,000 I am competently in the hole. Oh, and with the mediation, I have already dished out more than $20,000 in legal fees.

Now I have to go to court next month and stand there and listen to crap about how poor he is. Did I mention he inherited $86,000 a year ago and drank it down to $21,000 left? Yup. He also doesn't want to pay anything toward kids activities going forward, because he can't afford it. Yet, he pays $70 a month for two dating websites.

So, my question to all of you is, do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and sob at the injustice that has been served to you? And if so, how do you deal with it? How do you get rid of that infuriating, powerless feeling that you have been screwed, violated, completely disregarded as a human? Especially when you are an amazingly kind, good hearted, caring, person, an awesome mother, and someone who works her ass off. How do you sleep at night?

I could use advise. Thank you.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 8:07 PM
Replies (11-14):
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 6:55 AM
Moving on and letting go is the greatest gift you can give you and your daughters! Hate is a wasteful, consuming drain on your energy when you have the opportunity before you to create the kind of life you want for you and the girls,...

Be well
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:09 AM
Prayer and listening to Carrie underwood get me threw my problems it's hard you have to keep your head above water. I always try not to show my daughter my feelings I want her to be a happy little girl with a stress free life .Im currently praying I find another Job I promised her by her 5th birthday she will have her own room I don't have the help I need its hard when you are in love with someone have kids with someone and they knock you down just keep doing what your doing as a Single mom your kids will reward you thier little angels.
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by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 8:54 AM
1 mom liked this

There are definitely rough times where I just feel like crying, but I have never felt I was served and "injustice."  I know that I have made many choices or not done something when I should have that has lead me to where I am.  It sucks and it would be great if things were different, but I will continue to move forward and focus on my DD.  It is my job to provide for her and help her become a well-adjusted adult.  I can't change the past, but I can do everything in my power to make sure our future is what I want it to be.

Good luck with everything.  I know it is hard and there are some nights where I have trouble sleeping and days where I cry, but I try to keep my spirits up for my DD.  She deserves a mom who can be there for her and be an example of strength.

by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:47 AM
1 mom liked this

I was with a loser for 26 yrs.  I stayed because I wanted my marriage to work.  I fought against the odds because I grew up with divorced parents and I saw a lot of my friends marriages crumble.  I was in a co-dependent relationship.  I've learned the hard way to just let things go.  Holding on to anger only hurts us in the end.  My ex is a loser and always will be.  It's time to cut the cord of unhappiness and look forward to releasing that anger once and for all.   You have a full life ahead of you and kids that truly need their mom - one parent who is strong, loving and caring.  Thank God for that blessing you have given your children (like I do my own child!).  If you can't fight him for it then just get what you can and and forget about the rest of the money.  One day you will stop crying and you will be a lot happier.  Your stbx won't be in your life anymore and you can finally breath. 

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