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Dating after the split

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:30 AM
  • 8 Replies

Good morning ladies! I'm hoping you can give me soom advice because I am at a complete loss andquestioning my every decision. I have been separated from my ex for over a year, though he moved out about 9 months ago. Ive been dating someone for the last 6 months and finally felt comfortable telling my children boys aged 12 and 10, and my daughter age 9. The boys were upset about it and my daughter accepting. After going out to dinner with their father all three came home in tears, called their father on speaker phone, and sat me down to tell me how they really felt. This consisted of feeling that I don'd care about them, they are dying inside, don't want me with this person (they already know him as he's a friend and classmate of mine) and don't want him in the house. this was followed up by my ex letting me know if I didn't do the right thing and cut this person out of my life for the happiness of our children, that they would  go live with him. I know I am a great mom, I work my butt off working, going to school, and taking care off my kids. I have no idea how to sort this mess out. On one hand I don't want my kids to feel like I don't care about their feelings on the matter, but on the other I feel like my ex is just manipulating the situation and causeing chaos where the kids now run the rules in the house. For the moment I have decided to hold off on bringing my boyfriend around the kids and just keep the two separate while I thing things over. Any advice is welcome.

by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:30 AM
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Replies (1-8):
steviechick
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:36 AM

This is a tough one.  YOu want to be with the new bf BUT make sure that your kids are happy and adjusted to the newness of their parents splitting up.  My mom started to date my future step-dad once she filed for divorce.  It was hard on me and my sibilngs to see our parents split up and my mom bring home someone new.  You have to be happy just as much as your kids do.  Why not sit and talk to the kids about the upcoming divorce?  Why not just open up about your new life ahead?  Your kids have to adjust to the fact that you and your stbx's marriage is over.  That you and your stbx have to move on in life.  I'm sure the stbx is feeding your kids all kinds of horrible info about you to make the transition even more awful.  I would also talk to the stbx about the situtation.  Tell him that a custody battle won't be the answer to what is going on.  The stbx has to get over his jealousy of you moving on with someone else.  IF he wanted you why is he divorcing you and not moving on?   If the stbx won't adjust to a newness in his life then there will be a custody/visitation battle.  I'm sure the stbx doesn't want that. 

easinpc
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:44 AM

I agree with the previous poster.  I would sit down with the kids (without the ex there or on the phone) and let them express what their concerns are.  Remind them that they will always be loved no matter what.  I would also check into maybe counseling for them if you haven't already so that way they have someone outside of their parents to talk to about how they feel.

alycheeks
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:58 AM

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'm doing my best to keep things amicable through all of this but it is getting harder. Our marriage ended due to infidelity on my stbx's part which has also left me cut off from his whole family and most of our mutual friends and feeling especially vulnerable. I have a hard time dealing with how he represents things with the kids, but I don't feel that the kids knowing what he did is the answer. I just wish I had a way to express to my kids the lonliness and lack of adult support I feel without making them feel like they are not enough to make me happy. Ugh divorce is so ugly!

brieri
by Platinum Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 1:43 PM

 Hi and welcome to the group.

If you haven't gone through the divorce yet, it may be too soon for your children to be accepting of a new man in your life, whether the two of you are friends or not - it's the sleepovers if that's what the two of you are doing when the children are at your home.  Children can sense when they are not loved when a parent (particularly the one they live with a marjority of the week),  They are trying to get over with just their daddy living with them and you and now you have this second man in your life..  Just becuase your ex had extramarital affairs, due to living with you doesn't give him the right either, because he walked out  on you without trying to salvage the marriage.  The children didn't see that during the time, and they wondered why daddy left them to begin with.  Now they see you doing what daddy has done. 

Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Apr. 8, 2013 at 1:48 PM

I agree....So sorry you have to go through this.  *HUGS*

Quoting brieri:

 Hi and welcome to the group.

If you haven't gone through the divorce yet, it may be too soon for your children to be accepting of a new man in your life, whether the two of you are friends or not - it's the sleepovers if that's what the two of you are doing when the children are at your home.  Children can sense when they are not loved when a parent (particularly the one they live with a marjority of the week),  They are trying to get over with just their daddy living with them and you and now you have this second man in your life..  Just becuase your ex had extramarital affairs, due to living with you doesn't give him the right either, because he walked out  on you without trying to salvage the marriage.  The children didn't see that during the time, and they wondered why daddy left them to begin with.  Now they see you doing what daddy has done. 


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breebree04
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 1:55 PM

Do your kids have a problem with you dating? or you dating this man? If its the dating in general then you need to sit them down and explain that eventually you will be with someone other than daddy and daddy will be with someone other than mommy. If its the actual person they dont like then maybe you should rethink things. If they dont like him it is going to be hard on everyone to have a decent relationship. Maybe you should just keep things as they are for now, you spend time with bf alone when the kids arent around. If daddy is putting stuff in their ears then once he moves on and has a gf maybe the kids will feel differently also. I dont really think dad will get custody of the kids because you have a bf (assuming he does not have a criminal past or is dangerous)

MommyAJ2921
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 4:49 PM

Phew...at this moment..I'm TRULY GLAD my boys are 3 and 2. *HUGS*!!!

newlife2013
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 4:57 PM
Can we assume your ex hasn't moved on and would be ok if you told him what to do in his life/home? Agree that you should keep him out of your house for sometime and definitely speak with the kids. You know them best, wo disrupting your life with them pursue a new relationship at a slower pace maybe but don't break up if he is a good guy. It's manipulation, and I had a friend go through the same thing but she stopped it with the ex, be careful what the ex offers the kids to entice them to live with him, sorry you are going through this.
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