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In need of some advice...

Posted by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 12:29 AM
  • 7 Replies

I'm April, I just joined this group in hopes that someone might have a similar situation and be able to give me some advice.  

I have a 6 year old who has never met his father.  His father was abusive and I left when I was pregnant, so needless to say, I did what I had to do to keep my son and myself safe.  He has a ton of male role models in his life, family members, who are amazing with him.  I know that doesn't fill the gap, but I'm just grateful that he has them.  Anywho, he has periodically made comments about the lack of a father in the past year or so.  He told me that he calls his grandpa "dad" when he's in front of his friends.  Also, I have a 4 month old and he told me that since J is A's dad, that he could be his dad too since he takes care of him.  I love that he feels that closeness, but he still makes comments that make me feel like I need to do something.  In the past week or so he has said, more than once, really loud (and in public), "I don't have a dad!".  He says it with a big smile on his face though.  However, he is the kind of kid that doesn't like to show when he's feeling down about something.  I have always told him that there are many kinds of families and (until J came along) it was just him and I and there was nothing wrong with that.  I feel like I totally messed up and contradicted that lesson the other day.  He made that comment and it caught me off guard so I told him we would talk later if he had questions, but we didn't want to make the people he was talking to feel bad.  He asked me why they would feel bad so now I feel like I killed my own lesson....parenting fail..  :/

I'm just not sure what to do next.  I want to talk to him, let him know that he can absolutely ask me questions at any time, but I also feel like I shamed him the other day when he tried to bring it up.  I feel so bad about that.  I want to be prepared so I'm not so taken aback when he mentions it.  So, should I tell him I was wrong to shush him?  Also, do I ask if he's been feeling bad about it and that's why he keeps bringing it up?  Or should I just ask if he'd like to talk about it?  I'm at a loss and I don't want to approach it in the wrong way or make him feel shamed at all. (any more than I already did...  :/)

Thanks in advance for any input ladies.  :)

by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 12:29 AM
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Replies (1-7):
babymine
by New Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:49 AM
Anyone?
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amantonacci
by Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 6:44 AM

hi, my oldest has only met his father twice, he's 7 now... I have been very open and honest with him about his dad... also I got him into counseling, I might apologize for shushing him and open up the conversation again... good luck it's tough

Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Apr. 23, 2013 at 7:54 AM
I am not sure what the best thing is to say.
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LifeCafe42
by Nora on Apr. 23, 2013 at 9:27 AM
1 mom liked this
We all have special families not everyone is ready to be a parent. Maybe you need to talk to bf too about his feelings about being called dad before your son approaches it with him (sounds like he will) I would definitely apologize for shushing explain to him be honest
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steviechick
by Gold Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 9:35 AM

I have a teenage daughter that I've had to talk to about her very unstable father.  I know the feeling of being a 'bad' mom.

When my ex and I split up it was because he cheated on me and fathered two kids.  He also had (still does) severe money problems that involved not only me but our daughter.  He left me literally having to deal with just about every monetary problem from paying for a horse (which he bought) to paying everyday bills to helping me raise a child.  He was active duty and used that status to chase around the office tramp behind my back.  Also during this time he was very abusive towards me and his daughter.  Moreso verbally abusive.  He was being a bully (and still is) towards our daughter.  She couldn't do anything right in his eyes.  I now know why he was treating her so poorly - he was having an affair and didn't know how to deal with it.  He kept it a secret for three years.  He also found himself being a father once again (at 53) for two kids he created with his tramp.   She is also the mother of a severely mentally handicapped child that she had with an ex bf.  My ex did so much damage when he decided to cheat on me not only did he rip apart a family but he completely destroyed a 26 yr marriage and more than likely has lost a daughter in the process.  My daughter doesn't want to be around her father at all.  She's disgusted with him.  We've even blocked him from her cell phone because he was being a bully with her even after he married and 'moved' on with his new life.  Currently, I'm in a financial battle with him over cs and loans he still owes me per our settlement agreement.  This just aggrevates the entire process for everyone to heal and get over the destruction my ex has done. 

When we first separated my daughter was always trying to defend her father.  She didn't like the negative things I said about him - but I was only telling the truth.  Telling her what was truly behind her father's many complex problems.  From his anger management to his many money problems I kept hidden.  I told her that her father paid for the many things I did ended up paying.  She thought her father was actually being financially responsible when in fact I was the responsible parent.  I can't tell you how many times I was left paying for bounced checks, barn fees, mortgage payments, and basic necessities for my daughter.  I barely got $400/month from my deadbeat husband. 

Don't ever feel bad about telling the truth to your child about his father.  I had to stop myself sometimes from saying negative things to my daughter because I didn't realize just what it was doing to her.  Then when she started to open up to me about her true feelings and started to realize that her father was a louse I still wanted things to be back to normal like they were years ago.  I wanted to tread lightly when it came to her father.   She looked up to him because she fought her own fears of being letdown once again.  The affair not only tore up my family and has made my daughter realize that her father is a loser - something a child shouldn't have to accept -  but it even has caused my ex to continue down a destructive path.  He is now in jail for non-compliance to our settlement agreement.  His own doing.  He's battled with money for years.  He has three kids to take care and a new wife.  He can't do that while he's in jail. 

mom2jasper
by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 2:38 PM
First, what is your relationship with the father of your younger child? If he is a stable part of your lives, talk to him first. Fine out if he has any interest in being a father figure for your son. If he does, the two of you should go together and explain to your son that while his biological father wasn't ready and able to be a dad, this man is and he wants to be if the child wants to let him fill that role. I'm sure he would jump at the chance to call him daddy.
If this guy isn't interested in being daddy to your son, just explain that all families are different and it can be enough to have only a mommy.
I left my ex husband while I was pregnant. My son is 2 1/2, has never seen him and never will. My fiance has been daddy for over a year now
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babymine
by New Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 10:06 PM
We are no longer together, but we are still friends. He comes over most days and helps with both boys. He knows the things my son has said and he has wanted to father him since we first got together. (3 years ago)
I haven't stopped him, I love how close they are, my 6 year old just seems to hold back on calling him "dad" even though he knows he can.
This is so hard.. :(


Quoting mom2jasper:

First, what is your relationship with the father of your younger child? If he is a stable part of your lives, talk to him first. Fine out if he has any interest in being a father figure for your son. If he does, the two of you should go together and explain to your son that while his biological father wasn't ready and able to be a dad, this man is and he wants to be if the child wants to let him fill that role. I'm sure he would jump at the chance to call him daddy.

If this guy isn't interested in being daddy to your son, just explain that all families are different and it can be enough to have only a mommy.

I left my ex husband while I was pregnant. My son is 2 1/2, has never seen him and never will. My fiance has been daddy for over a year now

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