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Non-existent Dad

Posted by on May. 10, 2013 at 12:08 PM
  • 21 Replies

so, last night right before my daughter went to bed, a friend of mine came over to watch a movie.  My daughter got upset because she had to go to bed and couldn't "hang out" with us.  She was tired as it was so started crying and asking to stay up.  I left her in the room figuring she'd just fall asleep.  I went back in for something and she was still crying really bad so I told her she needed to calm down.  she then tells me, "I wanna see my dad, I haven't seen him in a long time and i just want to see him." so I sat there with her for a few minutes and held her until she calmed down.  I said she could see him soon because I didn't know what else to say. 

Her dad is an on again off again drug addict who is currently pretty far gone on them.  Whether sober or using he is not a very involved father because he is very selfish and thinks only of himself.  I know he'd see her if she called but I don't want her going with him in his condition.  He no longer has my phone # because I'd rather not be put in any uncomfortable situations of him trying to get her.  I feel she is too young (6) to be told the truth about her dad and why it's better she doesn't see him right now but I don't know how to respond when she is hurt like this. 

Any suggestions or advice would be great!!! thanks!!

by on May. 10, 2013 at 12:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MommyAJ2921
by on May. 10, 2013 at 12:25 PM

Hard to say..first off pray...ask God to give YOU the peace and patience to deal with babygirl. Secondly...you need to talk to her...not sure how old she is but in a way she'll understand let her know her dad has a problem and needs to fix it first before he can focus on her. It hurts but its what is best for her. Then just love the daylights out of her. Be there for her when she cries or needs a shoulder..we've got your back in this group.

rocky_mtn_mama
by Member on May. 10, 2013 at 12:59 PM

I think what you said is probably fine.  When she's calm you can sit down with her and explain that while her dad loves her he's just can't see her right now.  If she asks wy maybe just tell her it's because of some other choices that he's made but that you hope he'll be able to change those and be able to see her again soon.

sid1083
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2013 at 3:54 PM

Honestly, I wouldn't have said you'll see him soon . . . it provides a timeframe (that you have no control over), but other than that I think you answered her fine.

lashay777
by on May. 10, 2013 at 4:55 PM

 I thought about that after I said it, but she usually randomly asks for him then doesn't mention it again for a while. 


Quoting sid1083:

Honestly, I wouldn't have said you'll see him soon . . . it provides a timeframe (that you have no control over), but other than that I think you answered her fine.


 

lashay777
by on May. 10, 2013 at 5:13 PM

 He is so up and down anymore I can't trust and know if he will ever be "ok" so I wouldn't allow her to go with him. I'd meet up with him to see her but he won't do that.  I may just have to sit her down and tell her the truth.  Not that he does drugs, but like you said tell her because of other choices.


Quoting rocky_mtn_mama:

I think what you said is probably fine.  When she's calm you can sit down with her and explain that while her dad loves her he's just can't see her right now.  If she asks wy maybe just tell her it's because of some other choices that he's made but that you hope he'll be able to change those and be able to see her again soon.


 

lashay777
by on May. 10, 2013 at 5:14 PM

 

She's six.  The only problem with that is even when he is sober and doing ok, he doesn't make time for his kids, none of them.  She is the 3rd girl out of 4 that he has and he has never been very involved with any of them. 


Quoting MommyAJ2921:

Hard to say..first off pray...ask God to give YOU the peace and patience to deal with babygirl. Secondly...you need to talk to her...not sure how old she is but in a way she'll understand let her know her dad has a problem and needs to fix it first before he can focus on her. It hurts but its what is best for her. Then just love the daylights out of her. Be there for her when she cries or needs a shoulder..we've got your back in this group.


 

MommyAJ2921
by on May. 10, 2013 at 5:20 PM
1 mom liked this

Wow...then let her know that daddy loves her but doesn't know how to be there for her but that YOU always will be and then do just that. Be there for her. *hugs*..so very sorry you're going through this.


Quoting lashay777:

 

She's six.  The only problem with that is even when he is sober and doing ok, he doesn't make time for his kids, none of them.  She is the 3rd girl out of 4 that he has and he has never been very involved with any of them. 

 

Quoting MommyAJ2921:

Hard to say..first off pray...ask God to give YOU the peace and patience to deal with babygirl. Secondly...you need to talk to her...not sure how old she is but in a way she'll understand let her know her dad has a problem and needs to fix it first before he can focus on her. It hurts but its what is best for her. Then just love the daylights out of her. Be there for her when she cries or needs a shoulder..we've got your back in this group.

 

 


 

lydi
by Lydi on May. 10, 2013 at 5:21 PM

 My dd was about 6 the last time her father walked out on her (it has been now 2 years) , but I told her that he is not able to be a father right now.  I also got her spending more time with good male role models like my brothers.  I also had her draw what she is feeling to work through it and for her to know it is ok to be sad.  and over time she has come to peace about her not having a father in her life. 

ghostcat90
by Member on May. 10, 2013 at 8:16 PM
2 moms liked this

Could you tell her he was sick and couldn't see her until he gets better?  I know you can't go "Sorry honey, daddy's a druggie and doesn't give a fuck" but if he's "sick" (which he is) she might understand.  I don't know...I have this to look forward to in a few years :-\  I try to come up with prepared explanations every day.

heretolisten
by Bronze Member on May. 11, 2013 at 8:56 AM

I have to echo ghostcat on this one.  I would simply tell your daughter he's sick, yet understand that by doing so, it could lead to her associating "sick" with "gone", so you need to figure out a way to define the "illness" in a way that won't lead her to think that if grandma gets sick (with the flu) that she won't see her again or if you get sick yourself in some capacity, that you will leave too.  Ya know?  If you don't expect for this man to ever come back (or be welcome) in your life, then perhaps you have to explain to her that there won't be a "when he's better".  

Side note:  As for the advice to tell her that her dad loves her, I would never do that.  To tell a child a parent loves them but that parent is absent or inconsistent is teaching the child that love equates absence, pain or disappointment and sets them up to believe that it's okay to "parent" this way .. that you can love a child yet not give a rats behind about them or their feelings.  

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