Hello I am new to cafemom but I really enjoy reading other people's thoughts and stories of happiness, sadness, and their everyday struggles. I love how this site shows the reality of being a mother now in days regardless of your status in life. My dilemma is I spend many days and nights with the constant worry/obsession of if I die what will happen to my babies? I am a single mom of 3 children 1boy age 2 and 2 girls ages 12 and 8 months. I really am all they have my family is very small and everyone is either to old or doesn't want kids around. I don't have a relationship with either of the fathers anymore.My oldest daughters dad is years older than me and he is so irresponbile and Is a huge liar. He has hurt my baby so many times I can't talk to him at all because he takes me to a level of anger I never want to reach. I realized awhile back he is not worth the stress I was young and dumb for dealing with such a old fool to begin with. I don't deal with my youngest children's dad because I found out he is a drug addict I will not lie to you ladies I had no idea until after I had my son. I was in such a state of pure denial I thought people were just lying on him. It was almost like I had begun to lose my mind telling myself they're is no way this man, I been around and laid down with so many times does this to himself. Needless to say I got pregnant with my daughter that's when REALITY and all HELL broke loose. I have moved away from him but I pray everyday that he finds the peace and strength to overcome his addiction. As much as I still to this day love him despite of who i now realize is the real him. I love my kids waaay more than him to let them be subjected to who knows what just because he is they're "father". I am however sad and I constantly beat myself up with guilt over me wanting a man to love me so bad since I had no father. I have ruined all of my kids life and I can't fix it for them. I have little money but what I do have I try to buy them everything to try to make it up to them. I'm sorry so long I'm just very very sad and depressed all the time. I try hard to be a good mom but I feel my mistakes outweigh my good. I just wonder if anyone else is in the same situation were they literally have NOBODY if something was to happen to them??