I am me. Sounds simple but it's not. I am 28 and have made more stupid decisions than most 75 year olds. I have 2 kids, both of which I could NOT live without. My son is 11, and my daughter is 4 months. I got preg when I was 16 by my first boyfriend (first everything) and we were together for about 5 years. We made the best of it, and have the greatest little man to show from our relationship. Although he and I could not live together as a married couple, we co-parent like champs and for that I am eternally grateful to him and his family. I love them all dearly in my own special way. Our son is happy, healthy and doesn't have to worry with the typical drama of divorced parents. I am the product of the crappy drama filled divorced household where my parents played me against one another, and still do. I would never want that for either one of my babies. A few years later I met who I thought was the proverbial Mr.Right. Head over heels in love and blind as a bat! He used me and made my life absolute hell...and I never seen it coming! He was addicted to pain pills before we met and made the foundation a lie from day 1. He had a beautiful daughter that he signed away all right to so he could afford more pills, and then he got into harder stuff. He stole ALL of my jewelry, and money, and even my child's savings. He became violent and the list goes on and on.... That hurt like nothing I had ever experienced. Even physically. Never will I hurt that way again! During all of that chaos, I was told I had cervical cancer and would have to undergo 3 surgeries, still unsuccessful. Finally my insurance company approved a full hysterectomy. Well, that was good news to me, kinda, until my son started talking about how badly he wanted a baby bro or sis. I met "W" and he is somewhat older, has no kids, treated my child and me wonderfully and desperately wanted a child of his own. After much deliberation and anxiety, and regret for not having another baby, I decided to go for it. W and I tried for a couple myths to get preg and were successful. When we were just talking about the idea, I just knew he would be a great father, and we would be great together, even though neither he nor I were interested in marriage. (Bash if you must, a piece of paper saying you are married does not make you a better parent) well, I came up with a creative way to tell him we were expecting, and I just knew he would be thrilled. Well he wasn't. And from there the story begins, and you will see why I am a member of the single moms group.
Throughout the duration of my WHOLE ENTIRE pregnancy, I had absolutely NO emotional support. I did not receive the first back run, foot rub, or the first comment that I looked nice. He did however comment every damn day about how big my ass was getting. He went to every doctors appt with me, and posted things on fb that would make anyone believe he was the perfect man. Well, when I got gestational diabetes that could not be controlled by diet or mess, I still got to watch him eat all my fav foods, and blow off my misery as if I were making it up. Now, being a mom, you all know how scary and emotional you can be when pregnant, and to have all of this stacked against you, it's horrible. My self confidence tanked as well as any hope I had for a future as a couple. I began to resent the pregnancy and even the baby at times. Well, they ended up inducing my labor at about 36 1-2 weeks. My beautiful baby girl arrived and the animosity I thought I would have towards her were long gone. I really thought once he held her, it would change him too. Well, no such luck. He is the ONLY "parent" I have ever met who actually gets 10 times MORE sleep once the baby is born. I hate him for that. He never helps me, and I realize now that I'm back to work, on opposite shifts than him, that it is so much easier to be here with the kids without him! We have fun, and I am not stressed. When he is here though, I am totally frazzled. I do love him, or the idea of what he pretended to be, but I have been feeling for a long time now, that I am just a total idiot and can only get a man that will use me and never treat me right. I don't want my son thinking its ok to treat his significant other that way and I damn sure don't want my daughter feeling as if she should expect that from a man. It may not sound like much, but the story is MUCH longer. If you care to hear details, ask. Otherwise, I just needed to blow off some steam and see if talking to someone would help.
on May. 24, 2013 at 12:15 AM