Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Single Moms Single Moms

A month?! What would you do?

Posted by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 7:11 PM
  • 10 Replies

My ex called this afternoon.  He is getting ready to be transferred within the next 10 days or so to Kansas (he's currently in Minnesota) and asked if, once he's there and settled, I'd let the kids go out for a month to stay with him.

I'm pretty much ok with it, but sad that they'd be gone so long, they've never been gone more than 2 weeks before and that was last summer.  I talked to the kids (DS12 and DD15) and DS was very excited at the prospect of spending so much time with his dad, he misses him a lot.  DD though, immediately burst into tears.  She loves her dad, but they don't exactly see eye to eye.  She said 1)she's afraid they'll argue a lot and 2)she doesn't want to be gone for her birthday (end of July).  She's also still mad at him for chosing his job over staying here where they can have access to him when they want.

So, I proposed to the kids that they go for 2 weeks and then if they want to come home, they can but if they want to stay longer, they can do that too.  


So, my question is.... would you make your teen stay for the whole month?  Would you let her chose to go/not go and for how long if she goes?

by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 7:11 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
zombieskayer
by Member on Jun. 12, 2013 at 7:15 PM

It's their choice, she's technically almost old enough "by the court" To make the decision to see him or to not see him. I like the 2 week idea though. 

lucasmadre
by Member on Jun. 12, 2013 at 7:32 PM

NO reason your boy can't say and your girl can't come home after two weeks. I think that is fair. I would also give your X the heads up as to why she doesn't want to stay and how she is feeling about his choices. She has a very good point...smart girl.  XO

bamababe1975
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 11:28 AM

 I'd let her stay home, but make her be the one to tell her dad she's not coming and explain why if he asks.



heretolisten
by Bronze Member on Jun. 13, 2013 at 12:10 PM

I would let her make the decision. 

Robsessed98
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 12:22 PM
I think the 2 week idea makes more sense. Maybe dad would be willing to spend some one on one time with her working on ways for them to understand each other and how to get along.
steviechick
by Gold Member on Jun. 13, 2013 at 1:50 PM

I would try and see if your daughter would at least try and stay with her father for at least a few days or if not a week.  That way your ex and your daughter can at least try and work out whatever problems they have.  If she continues to not spend anytime with her father it could result in her not wanting to ever be with him again.  Also, I would consult with your ex about the situtation.  He needs to at least know what's going on with his daughter and maybe even be prepared to work with her if she decides to go at all. 

amonkeymom
by Gold Member on Jun. 13, 2013 at 3:29 PM

They've talked about how she feels, but I don't think he realy "gets it".  

Quoting steviechick:

I would try and see if your daughter would at least try and stay with her father for at least a few days or if not a week.  That way your ex and your daughter can at least try and work out whatever problems they have.  If she continues to not spend anytime with her father it could result in her not wanting to ever be with him again.  Also, I would consult with your ex about the situtation.  He needs to at least know what's going on with his daughter and maybe even be prepared to work with her if she decides to go at all. 


vbway
by Member on Jun. 13, 2013 at 11:57 PM

Could the older one stay for the whole month while the younger one comes home after 2 weeks? Seems like that makes sense. She should visit with him, but if she stays too long, things could blow up, making the relationship more tense later. 

easinpc
by Gold Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 8:26 PM

I think your idea of the 2 weeks with possibly 2 more sounds like a good idea.

woodstock525
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 10:26 PM

Realistically, if your ex were to go to the courts, he could get a court order for up to the whole summer of visitation with the kids.  Seeing them for just two weeks is really not much when you consider that you will have them and they will be with you for the majority of the other 50 weeks of the year. 

Visitation is not a choice for the kids to make and many states do not allow children (meaning anyone under age 18) to have a 'choice'.  It is governed by court orders and is a totally adult decision.  That said, if you were to allow your child to 'choose' not to visit with their other parent, you could be held in contempt and in some states that could be grounds for change of custody....so, tread lightly.

That said, I think this situation is one better settled between the adults...namely you and their father.  Both of you need to sit down and talk about how the visits will occur, when the kids will spend time with him, how he will be able to maintain regular contact with them from afar, and how to help both kids to be comfortable with your combined adult decision.  If the two of you cannot come to a decision, then the courts will decide for you.  While it can be up to the entire summer, it is typically at least 6 weeks for out of state parents and then alternating Winter and Spring breaks. 

Job changes are not always someone's fault nor within someone's ability to control.  Some employers, at least in today's job market, will permanently cut employees who aren't willing to accept a job or promotion even if it involves moving to another location.  I would be greatful that your ex is still employed so that he can pay child support and more importantly that he cares enough about his kids that he wants to spend time with them.  While I appreciate that your daughter isn't happy that your ex is moving, I don't think you should be supporting her not going to visit him.  After all, that could backfire on you.

By planting the seeds in your child that they may have a choice on when and whether to visit with their other parent, you are sending dangerous messages.  You are sending the message that the other parent should be blamed for their employment situation and that their time with and relationship with the child is not important.  That message also translates into that part of the child is not important or valued and that you don't respect or value the other parent's relationship with the child...this can backfire on you as the child gets older.  This is an adult decision that should be made by you and the child's father.  It should not involve the child making the choice....would you allow your child to choose to get a tattoo? have sex? skip school? not get regular medical/dental checkups just because that's what they wanted/didn't want to do?  If the answer is no, then why is it okay to minimize their relationship with one of their two parents?

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)