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What do I do with a father who plays "dad of the year" online, but doesn't care in real life?

Posted by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 11:03 AM
  • 35 Replies

My daughter is almost 7 months old. After he abandoned me while pregnant and didn't care for any of my complications, I did not inform him of her birth. Three months later and after a kick in the butt from his mother, he finally came around. After we got child support set up, he began visiting. Soon after, he became flirtatious towards me, which I initially ignored, but soon got sick of. About a month ago, I told him to knock it off. After a bit of fighting with him telling me he treated me good and blah blah blah, he dropped it. Or so I thought. In the past month, he's seen her three times. May 9th, May 20th, and June 3rd. All the times, his focus has been me. Not her. Either staring at me or trying to talk about our old relationship. The visits, combined, give us a grand total of three and a half hours of visitation. I constantly text him telling him when he can come visit (we determine when visitation will be between the two of us). He rarely answers my texts, will not answer calls, and if he DOES answer a text, it's to either talk down to me or make plans to see her then break plans the same day. He usually tries demanding things of me, such as drive her to him on some days, and threatens court if I don't obey. I am very flexible with him, but he's pushing it.


A few days back, he decided to tell me he wanted our daughter to spend Father's Day with him because "he deserves it".  I told him that would be fine, but I will be with her the entire time. I would not leave her. He then texts back "Stop texting me. I'm busy." We never made real plans for Father's Day. Yesterday, I took her to the doctors and found out she has a cold (my poor princess), and I told him that she will not be able to go anywhere until she's well again. He gets upset and begins telling me that if I want to keep her away from him on special days such as Father's Day, he would take me to court. How selfish of him! 

Despite all of my attempts to have him come visit her, he rarely does. She cries around him because she has no clue who he is and he blames me. He doesn't ask how she's doing or what new things she's learned how to do (she's learned how to make the sound 'bah bah bah' and how to hold herself up on her hands and tip toes since his last visit...the hands and tip toes thing is adorable). Even after I told him she is sick, he hasn't asked once how she's doing. He's gotten her 3 pairs of socks, an outfit, a cheap wipe warmer, and baby wipes...he says he will not give more because apparently, $200 in child support monthly (after the state takes out for medicaid) is enough for formula, diapers, wipes, baby food, daycare, medicine, gas to get to the doctors, and clothes. I currently do not work and am at my parents house. I'm trying to get child support raised so I can afford daycare and look for work. So he pretty much just pays child support and visits when he thinks I may get back with him or have sex with him. Which is why he rarely comes around because its not happening!

Then we go to Facebook! He's always posting about how much he loves her and how he would do anything for her. Says she's his world. That he will always be there for her. Talks about how I "just don't understand" and should be lucky he "isn't like most guys that don't come around". He posts pictures of her on the rare occasion that he comes over (hands her to me so he can post them), and is always swarmed by people saying he's an amazing father. It's quite irritating for me to see him post all this while I'm here, giving her a bottle while changing her diaper at the same time. 

He's changed one diaper, fed maybe three bottles, has not fed any solids, given no baths, given no medicine, and has refused to go with her to get more shots because it "hurts him to see". I make it so easy for him to come see her. If her diaper is wet or dirty, I tell him and I leave the new diaper, wipes, and powder out for him. He ignores it. I end up changing her. With feeding time, I make the bottle, walk up prepared to hand it to him, but he gives her to me so ill feed her. Burping all depends on if he's texting or not. 


What do I do in this situation? Do I just stop texting him to ask him to visit and let him come on his own? And how do I keep my cool with all his "I'm a good dad" talk? And what can I say when he demands something and threatens with court if I don't comply? His demands can be pretty unreasonable,

by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 11:03 AM
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Replies (1-10):
brittybby2010
by Bronze Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this

I want to add, I told him he may come here to see her on Father's Day.

amonkeymom
by Gold Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 5:01 PM

Yes, stop asking him to visit her and leave it up to him.  If he wants to see her, HE needs to be responsible for contacting you to arrange a visit.

Definitely ask for that increase in child support. 

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 5:49 PM
2 moms liked this
Nothing. Who cares what he says on fb. If he comes to see her let him.
brittybby2010
by Bronze Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 5:52 PM

He still hasn't asked about her today. Very sad...I'll take your advice and just leave it up to him. I've tried getting him to visit, and it's all just a waste of time. I'll be filling out the paperwork here soon to increase it.

A-nony-mous
by Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 6:37 PM
4 moms liked this

Oh mama. 

I went through the exact same thing. My son's father had quotes and pictures up on his Facebook. No one in his family knew that he was really a deadbeat who could go an entire month seeing his child only once and stiff him on child support constantly. He would often pick him up to take him around when he had friends and just as quickly drop him off.

The things I learned that liberated me from the bullshit?

1) Who cares about Facebook?
Let him say and post what he wants. You know the truth and eventually people do clue in when he's not around his child 99.999% of the time. The online stuff? That's just needless stress and drama and there's nothing you can do about it legally anyway. 

2) Visitation
Stop asking him over. I used to beg and beg my son's father to come around. I bit my tongue on so much of his BS to keep the peace in the hopes that not nagging would make him more inclined. It doesn't. It just makes you a weak, pushover and once they know that (and they do) they'll walk all over you foreeeeeeeever. I finally got sick of it and actually cut him off. I stopped answering his calls, emails, Facebook messages. Six months later he did drag me to mediation with Family Justice but I wasn't worried. When you're doing all the work there's zero way to make you look bad and that's what happened. I walked in and told them he wasn't visiting, was stiffing me on child support, probably didn't even know his child's Doctor or Teacher's name and basically was uninvolved and I got sole custody and he basically got diddily squat and looked like a putz, even to the supposedly impartial mediator.  

So if he says he's going to take you to court, let him. He'll look like the doofus when the court establishes mandatory child support (and it'll probably be more than he's paying you and garnished automatically), establishes forced visitation (potentially supervised) that is legally enforcible so he has no more power to slack off and do everything only when it's convenient to him or you can call the courts and have his paternal rights lessened/stripped or even him thrown in jail.

Don't let him call the shots. 

 

heretolisten
by Bronze Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 1:33 AM

BTDT myself.  Stop giving him updates, stop asking him to come, definately stop bending over backwards for him.  Let him come to you and be prepared, it won't happen often and if it does, it will likely be with a forked tongue and aggressive.  I quit intiating, coaxing and volunteering information and the communication stopped for months at a time with the random "You ever gonna let me see my kid!" antagonistic text out of the blue and usually this was merely because something in his life triggered him to attempt to save face with someone.  Facebook is nothing short of his platform to save face with family members and friends ... of course, if it were me, I'd just call him on his BS and prepare for the delete.  LOL   Oh, and btw, you have no idea how many court threats I got from him....he never followed through. 

brittybby2010
by Bronze Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:50 AM
1 mom liked this



Quoting A-nony-mous:

Oh mama. 

I went through the exact same thing. My son's father had quotes and pictures up on his Facebook. No one in his family knew that he was really a deadbeat who could go an entire month seeing his child only once and stiff him on child support constantly. He would often pick him up to take him around when he had friends and just as quickly drop him off.

The things I learned that liberated me from the bullshit?

1) Who cares about Facebook?
Let him say and post what he wants. You know the truth and eventually people do clue in when he's not around his child 99.999% of the time. The online stuff? That's just needless stress and drama and there's nothing you can do about it legally anyway. 

2) Visitation
Stop asking him over. I used to beg and beg my son's father to come around. I bit my tongue on so much of his BS to keep the peace in the hopes that not nagging would make him more inclined. It doesn't. It just makes you a weak, pushover and once they know that (and they do) they'll walk all over you foreeeeeeeever. I finally got sick of it and actually cut him off. I stopped answering his calls, emails, Facebook messages. Six months later he did drag me to mediation with Family Justice but I wasn't worried. When you're doing all the work there's zero way to make you look bad and that's what happened. I walked in and told them he wasn't visiting, was stiffing me on child support, probably didn't even know his child's Doctor or Teacher's name and basically was uninvolved and I got sole custody and he basically got diddily squat and looked like a putz, even to the supposedly impartial mediator.  

So if he says he's going to take you to court, let him. He'll look like the doofus when the court establishes mandatory child support (and it'll probably be more than he's paying you and garnished automatically), establishes forced visitation (potentially supervised) that is legally enforcible so he has no more power to slack off and do everything only when it's convenient to him or you can call the courts and have his paternal rights lessened/stripped or even him thrown in jail.

Don't let him call the shots. 



Thank you! You gave me the confidence to just step back and let HIM do the work! It's sad that its really come to this. He's always talked about having kids and only spoke of doing the cuddling, kissing, and cutsy family stuff but not the rough parts. 

brittybby2010
by Bronze Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:53 AM



Quoting heretolisten:

BTDT myself.  Stop giving him updates, stop asking him to come, definately stop bending over backwards for him.  Let him come to you and be prepared, it won't happen often and if it does, it will likely be with a forked tongue and aggressive.  I quit intiating, coaxing and volunteering information and the communication stopped for months at a time with the random "You ever gonna let me see my kid!" antagonistic text out of the blue and usually this was merely because something in his life triggered him to attempt to save face with someone.  Facebook is nothing short of his platform to save face with family members and friends ... of course, if it were me, I'd just call him on his BS and prepare for the delete.  LOL   Oh, and btw, you have no idea how many court threats I got from him....he never followed through. 


He actually did do that! When the visits dropped to pretty much none, I didn't text him ANYTHING. After a while, he texts "So you're not gonna let me see my daughter anymore?" 

pedritosmama
by Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 11:52 AM

If he cares about visiting that much, let him go and file for visitation rights.  It makes me mad when Dads complain that the "mother doesn't let him see the child," but they are the ones who gave the mother the power to say "yes" or "no" by not taking responsibility and filing for set visitation.  If he really wanted to right to visit, he would make that happen legally.  Right now, he's just allowing you the discretion to allow or deny visits.

A-nony-mous
by Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 1:23 PM
1 mom liked this

No problem :-D Glad I could help. 

It's annoying and a little scary but you're doing the right thing, he's not. That's the bottom line. It was hilarious seeing the mediator call him on all his bullshit again and again and again lol. And I think he finally just realized he's a putz and didn't even try for custody. He just has visitation. And since we did it he's actually been reliable. He started paying child support on time and in full because he knows it's being documented. He shows up on time routinely on his assigned days because he knows he has to. When it was left to his own merry whims he didn't do squat. 

Sometimes court / legal mediation is the best thing you can do because it's the only thing these doofuses understand. :-D

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