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Why dose this bother my child and I so much

Posted by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:39 PM
  • 10 Replies
When ever the time comes for my child to go to her fathers home she always get so upset and everything becomes a battle with her. We can never just go and have fun before hand because she always acts out about everything. When she's at her dads she always has fun. And when she's there It bother me an i get very anxious. The longer she's there the more anxious I get. The father and I do fight a lot but the really only time there's a problem is when the father's wife is around. Dose anyone know what my child and in could do to help with our anxiety when she goes to her fathers
by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LifeCafe42
by Nora on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:02 PM
She probably feeds off of your anxiety it's not easy to put a happy face on. Your daughter is safe and happy there it will take time...
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Jennifer_236
by Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:04 PM
My kids are going to there dad soon too, and my 7 year old always fights with me, because he doesn't want to go at all. and their dad doesn't want to listen to them.... and my goes for the summer too.
Teady
by Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:27 PM
It's been two years and the older she's gets the worse it gets.
Quoting LifeCafe42:

She probably feeds off of your anxiety it's not easy to put a happy face on. Your daughter is safe and happy there it will take time...

woodstock525
by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:34 PM
1 mom liked this

I think you hit the nail on the head in the title for your posting...that it bothers both you and the child when she goes to her dad's   Why?  I would guess that she is picking up on your anxiety.  Do you tell her that you're going to miss her terribly or does she hear you talking about how much you miss her when she's gone?  That could be part of the problem...she may feel like she's abandoning you by going to her dad's.  If this is the case, then just don't say anything or help her to understand that she isn't missing anything with you by going to her dad's and how glad you are that she's going.  In other words, give her verbal permission to go and to have fun. 

She may also be anxious about you and her dad fighting and you having a problem with her stepmom.  Is there any way that you and dad and stepmom can have a conversation to talk about this?  Kids typically just want their parents to get along...they don't necessarily want them to be back together, but getting along goes a long way toward making kids feel comfortable during the time they are with either parent.


Teady
by Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:54 PM
I always tell her it's okay to spend time with her dad an to have a good time. I tell her it's okay to want to spend time with him. Her dad isn't constant with her. Every few months he won't accept his parenting time. In feb and march we both showed up for his parenting time and because our daughter was acting out he walked away from her. There was one where he even said he didn't want to be in her life if she acted like this. The father wasn't involved until he got married and now the step mom whom can't have kids try's to claim my daughter as hers an try's to be mommy.
Quoting woodstock525:

I think you hit the nail on the head in the title for your posting...that it bothers both you and the child when she goes to her dad's   Why?  I would guess that she is picking up on your anxiety.  Do you tell her that you're going to miss her terribly or does she hear you talking about how much you miss her when she's gone?  That could be part of the problem...she may feel like she's abandoning you by going to her dad's.  If this is the case, then just don't say anything or help her to understand that she isn't missing anything with you by going to her dad's and how glad you are that she's going.  In other words, give her verbal permission to go and to have fun. 

She may also be anxious about you and her dad fighting and you having a problem with her stepmom.  Is there any way that you and dad and stepmom can have a conversation to talk about this?  Kids typically just want their parents to get along...they don't necessarily want them to be back together, but getting along goes a long way toward making kids feel comfortable during the time they are with either parent.



woodstock525
by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 11:22 PM

Is it possible that your daughter has picked up on your attitude toward the stepmom?  Have you spoken to stepmom about how you feel? 

I'm only asking as I was in a similar situation with my son when he was little.  I was the divorced single mom; ex remarried a woman with 5 kids and she couldn't have any more.  I felt really, really threatened by her and was often worried that because they were a traditional family that a) my son would eventually want to live with them and that b) if he went back for residential custody that he could get it because he was married and I was divorced.  My ex only started coming around once his new wife (the one he cheated on me with) pushed the issue. I didn't realize that I would have to be basically totally abusive and neglectful for the courts to even consider changing custody, so in my ignorance I interfered in the visits.

Like your situation, my son would act up at visits with his dad until his dad gave up.  I felt so threatened that I rewarded him for that acting out behavior....to my son's detriment.  HIndsight being 20/20, I wish that I had realized then that his stepmom wasn't trying to take my place, she was trying to be accepting of my ex's child and to make his visits as comfortable as possible so that he would act appropriately and want to come over to their place for visits.  She was also trying to teach my ex to parent our child. I made my issues my childs.  Perhaps that may be happening here as well.

She and I became friends only after my ex quit asking to see my son and as my son got older.  Because of his lack of relationship with his dad, I believe that led to my son having a lot of trust issues with male friends and relationship issues as he's gotten older.  He's even questioned whether he ever wants to have kids because of how he views his dad...and I have come clean with him and his dad on how I interfered with their relationship, but it was too little too late and they do not speak at all.  It's a shame as my son was the only biochild my ex has. 

Teady
by Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 11:38 PM
The stepmom wants nothing to do with me,the father uses us aginst each other. Has your son ever came home saying this before: " (step moms name) said that your just my big sister and that (step mom name) is my real mommy and that when there house get done I will live with my real mommy and daddy" these are thing that my daughter comes home saying a recent one was over a toy and she said "( step mom name) said that I'm not allow to bring anything home from my dads bc mommy with brake it and throw it in the trash" I try my best to respect them and try to only communicate with the father when the step mom isnt around but it's kind of hard when the step mom is controling over my daughters father.
Quoting woodstock525:

Is it possible that your daughter has picked up on your attitude toward the stepmom?  Have you spoken to stepmom about how you feel? 

I'm only asking as I was in a similar situation with my son when he was little.  I was the divorced single mom; ex remarried a woman with 5 kids and she couldn't have any more.  I felt really, really threatened by her and was often worried that because they were a traditional family that a) my son would eventually want to live with them and that b) if he went back for residential custody that he could get it because he was married and I was divorced.  My ex only started coming around once his new wife (the one he cheated on me with) pushed the issue. I didn't realize that I would have to be basically totally abusive and neglectful for the courts to even consider changing custody, so in my ignorance I interfered in the visits.

Like your situation, my son would act up at visits with his dad until his dad gave up.  I felt so threatened that I rewarded him for that acting out behavior....to my son's detriment.  HIndsight being 20/20, I wish that I had realized then that his stepmom wasn't trying to take my place, she was trying to be accepting of my ex's child and to make his visits as comfortable as possible so that he would act appropriately and want to come over to their place for visits.  She was also trying to teach my ex to parent our child. I made my issues my childs.  Perhaps that may be happening here as well.

She and I became friends only after my ex quit asking to see my son and as my son got older.  Because of his lack of relationship with his dad, I believe that led to my son having a lot of trust issues with male friends and relationship issues as he's gotten older.  He's even questioned whether he ever wants to have kids because of how he views his dad...and I have come clean with him and his dad on how I interfered with their relationship, but it was too little too late and they do not speak at all.  It's a shame as my son was the only biochild my ex has. 


woodstock525
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 7:30 AM
1 mom liked this

Wow!  My situation with my ex and his second wife wasn't quite that bad.  My suggestion would be that you contact your attorney with what has been going on. Perhaps a strongly worded letter from the attorney about the fact that neither parent (or stepparent) should speak badly about the other and that no one but the bioparents should be referred to as mom/mommy or dad/daddy might do the trick.  Have the attorney threaten to take them back to court for restricted visitation if they cannot abide by this.  The letter would probably be the cheapest option, but if they continue then you will end up having to go to court or mediation.

In terms of toys, I would just explain to your daughter that there are toys for her at daddys house and toys at mommys house.  If she gives you a story of that you might break or thorw away this, that or the other, just ask her if she has ever seen you do that before and explain that you would not.  Sounds like there is PAS going on via there household.  You may want to get a book or two on it and find some strategies to address it.

enlightened_24
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 12:38 PM

I used to be that way when I had to leave my moms. I cried and threw the biggest fit because I didnt want to go home...It could be anything from her catching your vibes to wanting attention before shes gone to honestly not wanting to go. Good luck!

Robsessed98
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:19 PM
If you're upset and anxious she feeds off of it. You know she's safe and having a good time with him, so relax and talk to her about how fun it is at daddy's house.
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