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shame

Posted by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 9:40 PM
  • 7 Replies

I dated had sex sex with a real loser. And I'm not just saying this because he's a deadbeat loser. No even before having a child he does not take care of, I realize now, he's a loser. Truly a person with no ambitions, and always blaming others. Yet if you ask him he thinks he's a real catch! I feel like a loser by association. You may think I'm kidding but thinking about him makes my self esteem plummet. He did give me a beaUTIFUL daughter but that doesn't seem to help me think of him any better. I like put them in two separate groups. I just feel so low having been with him. I look around and every one else has bf or ex's who they aren't totally embarrassed by. I feel like a 0, like loser by association sometimes : (( *shudders*

Even when we were together I think I subconsciously hid him, never bringing him around family or friends. I think I had really low confidence when I was with him. And I shudder that I let him talk to me I. horrible ways sometimes, just so embarrassing. Has anyone ever dated someone who was a loser from the get go? And I wanna ask why, do you know?

by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 9:40 PM
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Replies (1-7):
vbway
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 11:43 PM

I knew my ex had no ambition, wasn't very intellegent and had the propensity to make bad decisions. But when I met him, I was 14 and in a bad situation. I moved in with him at 14 and that was the beginning of a 12 year relationship. He acted like he cared about me. Now I realize that he helped me because feeling like a hero can give a self esteem boost. But as I grew stronger, I needed him less. That made him feel inadequate, which was the beginning of the end. He went from my protector to my abuser. I was embarassed to be seen with him. I could tell the people who knew me best thought that he wasn't good enough for me. I could tell by the way they looked at him. I hid the abuse and defended him whenever I needed to.  That is why my family and his (especially his) was so shocked when our marriage ended. They never saw it coming. But I saw it. I knew I had stopped loving him years before, but decided to stay for the sake of my children. That was before the abuse started. But once he became violent, everything changed. It sounds crazy, but I am grateful for the beating that I took. It gave me the strength to walk away and never look back. I was embarassed by his ignorant behavior for years, but once it was over, it was over. I don't think back on it much, and I don't feel bad about the choices I made. Life dealt me a hand and I played it as best I could. Now that part of my life is behind me. I have two beautiful daughters who mean the world to me and looking back won't do them one bit of good. 

Oliviasmom72
by Gold Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:26 AM

Dating a loser is one thing but having a baby with one you know is a loser is something I will never figure out. I have dated real losers, mostly from my 20's and a brief fling last year. I never brought kids into the screwed up equation.

mz23
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:59 AM


I don't know what to say. I can't completely regret it cause I have my daughter and don't know what I'd do without her. I was 18/19 when I met him. But yes, it's very screwed and I deeply hurt for my child and feel intense guilt for her.

Quoting Oliviasmom72:

Dating a loser is one thing but having a baby with one you know is a loser is something I will never figure out. I have dated real losers, mostly from my 20's and a brief fling last year. I never brought kids into the screwed up equation.



steviechick
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:49 AM

You pretty much lived my life, too. 

When I met my ex he was attending college.  Full of promise and starting his life all over again.  He was married before and lied about his marriage.  He fathered a daughter that he simply walked out on.  I didn't know back then what my ex was all about.  He hid his mental issues from me quite well except for his anger.  He always had a temper.  Eventually I started to realize that my ex lived by survivor mode.  We moved a lot when we were first together (evicted from every apt we lived in), we also had a repo.  I simply allowed my ex to make the financial decisions for me.  I had no one to turn to (no friends or family) and just went along with the miserable life we both shared together.  This went on for several years.  We had adjusted to our financial life and I tried everything to budget.  My ex was like yours feeling like a hero whenever we were struggling financially.   My ex went to school for 10 years total.  He switched majors twice while I maintained a full-time job.  Always supporting his amost non-stop 'career' moves.  I had a baby late in life and wanted more kids.  I couldn't based on our financial status.  I didn't want to be rich but I at least wanted to pay my bills.  We fought a lot about money and my ex's need to 'find himself' the entire time we were married.  Then the ultimate happened - an affair.  My 'hero' of a husband with low self-esteem decided to chase after a co-worker (16 yrs his junior) and get her pregant twice while we were married and while he was active duty.  He decided to sneak around and fornicate while I raised his child and paid the bills.  Ever the consumate loser in life and always struggling with his own demons - my ex will never change.  He uses anger to lash out at those that want to help him and love him.  Like yours, my family didn't see my marriage crumbling.  They never knew what was truly going on.  I lived in misery while trying to maintain a 'happy' home environment.  Even my ex-IL's had no idea what was going on behind all of our backs.  My ex is a very tormented soul and has been his entire adult life.  He's now a father of two toddlers at the age of 54.  Sex is more important to my ex and being irresponsible.  The tramp has no idea what is in store for her.  Karma will end up ending their marriage.  I feel sorry for those kids.  They have a louse for a father. 


Quoting vbway:

I knew my ex had no ambition, wasn't very intellegent and had the propensity to make bad decisions. But when I met him, I was 14 and in a bad situation. I moved in with him at 14 and that was the beginning of a 12 year relationship. He acted like he cared about me. Now I realize that he helped me because feeling like a hero can give a self esteem boost. But as I grew stronger, I needed him less. That made him feel inadequate, which was the beginning of the end. He went from my protector to my abuser. I was embarassed to be seen with him. I could tell the people who knew me best thought that he wasn't good enough for me. I could tell by the way they looked at him. I hid the abuse and defended him whenever I needed to.  That is why my family and his (especially his) was so shocked when our marriage ended. They never saw it coming. But I saw it. I knew I had stopped loving him years before, but decided to stay for the sake of my children. That was before the abuse started. But once he became violent, everything changed. It sounds crazy, but I am grateful for the beating that I took. It gave me the strength to walk away and never look back. I was embarassed by his ignorant behavior for years, but once it was over, it was over. I don't think back on it much, and I don't feel bad about the choices I made. Life dealt me a hand and I played it as best I could. Now that part of my life is behind me. I have two beautiful daughters who mean the world to me and looking back won't do them one bit of good. 


 

mz23
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 12:15 PM


Wow you were young when you met him. I know exactly what you mean about those stares. Like what is this going on, you can't be serious. the pathetic guy just thought people were jealous of him or something. I really wish I get to the point of just looking forward.

Quoting vbway:

I knew my ex had no ambition, wasn't very intellegent and had the propensity to make bad decisions. But when I met him, I was 14 and in a bad situation. I moved in with him at 14 and that was the beginning of a 12 year relationship. He acted like he cared about me. Now I realize that he helped me because feeling like a hero can give a self esteem boost. But as I grew stronger, I needed him less. That made him feel inadequate, which was the beginning of the end. He went from my protector to my abuser. I was embarassed to be seen with him. I could tell the people who knew me best thought that he wasn't good enough for me. I could tell by the way they looked at him. I hid the abuse and defended him whenever I needed to.  That is why my family and his (especially his) was so shocked when our marriage ended. They never saw it coming. But I saw it. I knew I had stopped loving him years before, but decided to stay for the sake of my children. That was before the abuse started. But once he became violent, everything changed. It sounds crazy, but I am grateful for the beating that I took. It gave me the strength to walk away and never look back. I was embarassed by his ignorant behavior for years, but once it was over, it was over. I don't think back on it much, and I don't feel bad about the choices I made. Life dealt me a hand and I played it as best I could. Now that part of my life is behind me. I have two beautiful daughters who mean the world to me and looking back won't do them one bit of good. 



vbway
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 12:42 PM

Yep, I was young. I left home at 14 and didn't speak to my mother again until I graduated high school. I was the speaker at my graduation and I invited her (trying to make amends) but she didn't show. We speak now on occasion but I wouldn't say we have a good relationship. She really didn't give me any choice. i had to leave, I couldn't be around that environment anymore. My brothers stayed, they all ended up in jail, addicted to drugs and having 5 different baby mamas. 


It didn't help that my husband didn't take care of himself, so we developed quite the physical disparity. I was 5'7, 120 lbs and he was 5'11, 330 lbs. Don't get me wrong, I don't care about people's weight, I just noticed that the more weight he gained, the more looks we would get. and the more comments people would make. I truly wish that we would have been able to work it out. I never wanted to tear my family apart. I believe in commitment and was willing to stay, even though I could have done better. But he took that option from the equation. 

Things will get better in time. Just be thankful that you have a chance to start anew and you are not still in that situation. 

Quoting mz23:


Wow you were young when you met him. I know exactly what you mean about those stares. Like what is this going on, you can't be serious. the pathetic guy just thought people were jealous of him or something. I really wish I get to the point of just looking forward.

Quoting vbway:

I knew my ex had no ambition, wasn't very intellegent and had the propensity to make bad decisions. But when I met him, I was 14 and in a bad situation. I moved in with him at 14 and that was the beginning of a 12 year relationship. He acted like he cared about me. Now I realize that he helped me because feeling like a hero can give a self esteem boost. But as I grew stronger, I needed him less. That made him feel inadequate, which was the beginning of the end. He went from my protector to my abuser. I was embarassed to be seen with him. I could tell the people who knew me best thought that he wasn't good enough for me. I could tell by the way they looked at him. I hid the abuse and defended him whenever I needed to.  That is why my family and his (especially his) was so shocked when our marriage ended. They never saw it coming. But I saw it. I knew I had stopped loving him years before, but decided to stay for the sake of my children. That was before the abuse started. But once he became violent, everything changed. It sounds crazy, but I am grateful for the beating that I took. It gave me the strength to walk away and never look back. I was embarassed by his ignorant behavior for years, but once it was over, it was over. I don't think back on it much, and I don't feel bad about the choices I made. Life dealt me a hand and I played it as best I could. Now that part of my life is behind me. I have two beautiful daughters who mean the world to me and looking back won't do them one bit of good. 





labrax
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 5:09 PM

I perfectly understand the shame you feel. I deal with mine by believing that everything happens for a reason. I wish my kids had a better father but then I'm dedicating my life to ensuring that they turn out better fathers.

Forget him and give your kid the best. I'm doing the same.

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