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What did you or are you gone do?

Posted by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 12:22 AM
  • 12 Replies

 

Poll

Question: Would you tell your kids or not?

Options:

Yes I would

Hell no he not gone be there

I dont know yet


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Total Votes: 5

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Ok so to start this off I'm more so asking this for the mother who has always been a single mom. Not saying anything abot the one's who wasn't I just feel they know how I'm feeling more. Ok so now my son is 5 years old. His birthday was June 18th. But what I want to know is I know now that he is older he will at some point ask me where and who is his sd (father). But this is my thing his sd has never been around and still to this day dose not want to be around. Ok well befour his birthday he keep asking me what size he wear so he can try to play dad just becuase it was my son birthday. I mean some of you may say why didnt you just tell him its not about you or how I feel. Yes I know this but what it is about is my son and as a woman who only had a sometimes dad. I know how much that hurts a child. But what I'm asking is what should I tell him when he asks about him? As of right now the only men my son know is my brother and my boyfriend. Now know my son dose not call my boyfriend daddy or nothing. But what I want to know is what did you do when your child or kids asked who or where there dad is? And when you tell them did they want to see him or talk to him? I mean dont take this as I'm just a bitch of a baby mother but I really dont want to tell him about his sd to he gets alot older to where he can understand why his sd is not and dont wanna be in his life. Now I know your thinking like you just said he asked what size he wear. But thats what he do and dont get him a thing. Any ways what did you do or gone do when this happens? Sorry I know this was alot to read.
by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 12:22 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Robsessed98
by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 5:40 PM
Welcome to the group. I'm not bashing you, but imo you should have told him and let him make the first move. You can't know what he is thinking or feeling and that very well could have been a first step in becoming a dad. At the very least your ds would know that his father must care bc he tried to make contact. Now he will know that he tried, but you refused to let them even meet. Anyway, I think you should tell him that some dads just can't be there and his is one of them. Tell him you don't know why, but if he gets a chance to meet him, he should ask. He doesn't need to know details yet, but never say he doesn't love him or talk bad about him.
Keela222
by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 11:44 PM

 

I dont say anything about him at all. But after I made this he sent me a message and told me. He never wanted to be a father and that my son is not his responsibility so dont message him or ask him for anything I wanted my son so I have to take care of him. This is why I dont want him around my son as is. Even when he did see him the last time was 2 years ago. He didnt try to spend time with him. He was more in to trying to sleep with me. But I'm not gone tell him any  details to he get older. He already said he wants nothing to do with him.

Quoting Robsessed98:

Welcome to the group. I'm not bashing you, but imo you should have told him and let him make the first move. You can't know what he is thinking or feeling and that very well could have been a first step in becoming a dad. At the very least your ds would know that his father must care bc he tried to make contact. Now he will know that he tried, but you refused to let them even meet. Anyway, I think you should tell him that some dads just can't be there and his is one of them. Tell him you don't know why, but if he gets a chance to meet him, he should ask. He doesn't need to know details yet, but never say he doesn't love him or talk bad about

 

steviechick
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:57 AM

Your son is too young to fully understand what his father is doing to him to hurt him.  Right now I wouldn't say anything negative about your ex.  When you son is older and can fully understand the situation about why his father isn't in his life he's going to accept it better.  It's always better to tell the truth when a child is older AND when they can understand the background of the split-up and why daddy wasn't around.  Maybe by then you will have met a good guy.  Until then, leave the ex bashing at the door. 

Keela222
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 11:07 AM
Thanks I was gone wait any way. But I dont even talk about him at all. My boyfriend is like my son dad any way.
Quoting steviechick:

Your son is too young to fully understand what his father is doing to him to hurt him.  Right now I wouldn't say anything negative about your ex.  When you son is older and can fully understand the situation about why his father isn't in his life he's going to accept it better.  It's always better to tell the truth when a child is older AND when they can understand the background of the split-up and why daddy wasn't around.  Maybe by then you will have met a good guy.  Until then, leave the ex bashing at the door. 


SAMI_JO
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 11:42 AM

 He didn't start asking until about 8. I told him when he turned 16 I would give him all the info I have and he can do what he wants with it. He has always know that his bio dad left me the day I told him I was pregnant. I still don't think he understands that means that bio dad did not want him.

woodstock525
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 1:40 PM

I would tell the bf (birth father) the child's size and if he gets him stuff, fine.  If not, fine too.  While you may have had a negative experience with your dad coming in and out of your life, your son's relationship with his bf may end up being different. 

My son's dad came in and out of his life, but alot of that was due to my interference.  I wanted to 'protect' my son and so discouraged quite a bit of visiting.  Now that he's grown, I often wonder if I had just removed myself and my feelings from the equation, if he would not have had a better relationship with his dad.  His dad was a great stepparent...to seven kids.  What I've learned in hindsight was that he wasn't good at all with babies or young kids, but had I allowed him to start having a relationship at about your son's age, they probably would have done quite well.  He knows what to do with a kid that can do stuff with him...just didn't know how to handle or relate to a baby or toddler.

In terms of telling him about your relationship or "why" bio dad isn't around.  I strongly recommend that you DO NOT tell him anything.  Anything you tell him is colored by your story, your feelings of anger/resentment/abandonment.  So, he gets your side and there are two sides to every story.  You do not want him to make contact with biodad and get a totally different story of how you kept him away and how terrible you were in this equation, etc....  It is none of the child's business about how biodad got you pregnant and left or that he left for another woman or that you think he was able to have a relationship with another woman and her kids but not his own.   All those kinds of stories do is make the child feel like a part of him is not worthy of being loved; that something is wrong with him.  It may also spur him to think twice about ever becoming a dad because he might be like the guy you describe to him...whether you both know he isn't or not.  So, keep your silence and curb your desire to get even with the biodad by telling all when the kid is "old enough."  A child is never "old enough" to hear the "truth" (ie, bad, negative crap) about the other parent who made them.

Keela222
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 11:35 PM
1 mom liked this

 Thanks for that.


Quoting SAMI_JO:

 He didn't start asking until about 8. I told him when he turned 16 I would give him all the info I have and he can do what he wants with it. He has always know that his bio dad left me the day I told him I was pregnant. I still don't think he understands that means that bio dad did not want him.


 

Keela222
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 11:48 PM

 

I get what your saying but when he is about 16 I'm gone tell him what happend. Yes it will hurt to know. But it hurts alot more not to know. But thanks.

Quoting woodstock525:

I would tell the bf (birth father) the child's size and if he gets him stuff, fine.  If not, fine too.  While you may have had a negative experience with your dad coming in and out of your life, your son's relationship with his bf may end up being different. 

My son's dad came in and out of his life, but alot of that was due to my interference.  I wanted to 'protect' my son and so discouraged quite a bit of visiting.  Now that he's grown, I often wonder if I had just removed myself and my feelings from the equation, if he would not have had a better relationship with his dad.  His dad was a great stepparent...to seven kids.  What I've learned in hindsight was that he wasn't good at all with babies or young kids, but had I allowed him to start having a relationship at about your son's age, they probably would have done quite well.  He knows what to do with a kid that can do stuff with him...just didn't know how to handle or relate to a baby or toddler.

In terms of telling him about your relationship or "why" bio dad isn't around.  I strongly recommend that you DO NOT tell him anything.  Anything you tell him is colored by your story, your feelings of anger/resentment/abandonment.  So, he gets your side and there are two sides to every story.  You do not want him to make contact with biodad and get a totally different story of how you kept him away and how terrible you were in this equation, etc....  It is none of the child's business about how biodad got you pregnant and left or that he left for another woman or that you think he was able to have a relationship with another woman and her kids but not his own.   All those kinds of stories do is make the child feel like a part of him is not worthy of being loved; that something is wrong with him.  It may also spur him to think twice about ever becoming a dad because he might be like the guy you describe to him...whether you both know he isn't or not.  So, keep your silence and curb your desire to get even with the biodad by telling all when the kid is "old enough."  A child is never "old enough" to hear the "truth" (ie, bad, negative crap) about the other parent who made them.


 

KarasMama2530
by Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 6:29 AM
My bd does the same shit. Will text asking her shoe and clothes size- does the dumbass not know sizes go by months... And she's 5 months, she doesnt wear shoes!!!

Anyway, I will tell my daughter about her "father". I haven't decided what I will say, but I will not bash him. That will make me look weak. Truth is we survived without him. I have a really good bf now and out future looks pretty good. If we get married, he will be daddy. I will tell her that he didn't help make her, but he raised her. I will help her to understand that daddy is the man who is supportive and helps raise her, not the "man" who made her. I dont think she will understand right away but one day she will.

I also want to mention that I was adopted. I grew up knowing I was. From day one my parents told me brother and I that we were adopted so I never remember an "omg I'm adopted" conversation. I just always knew. I am hoping that if I start telling her while she is this young, she will grow up understanding her father situation. I still don't really know what to say to her about why he's not here though.
Keela222
by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 5:02 PM

 

Thanks for that.

Quoting KarasMama2530:

My bd does the same shit. Will text asking her shoe and clothes size- does the dumbass not know sizes go by months... And she's 5 months, she doesnt wear shoes!!!

Anyway, I will tell my daughter about her "father". I haven't decided what I will say, but I will not bash him. That will make me look weak. Truth is we survived without him. I have a really good bf now and out future looks pretty good. If we get married, he will be daddy. I will tell her that he didn't help make her, but he raised her. I will help her to understand that daddy is the man who is supportive and helps raise her, not the "man" who made her. I dont think she will understand right away but one day she will.

I also want to mention that I was adopted. I grew up knowing I was. From day one my parents told me brother and I that we were adopted so I never remember an "omg I'm adopted" conversation. I just always knew. I am hoping that if I start telling her while she is this young, she will grow up understanding her father situation. I still don't really know what to say to her about why he's not here though.


 

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