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what do i do when the man i love wants nothing to do with me or the baby that im keeping no matter what?? someone please help!

Posted by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 2:59 AM
  • 37 Replies

so i found out i was pregnant on friday and i told the father who ive only been dating for about a month and a half and im about 4 to 6 weeks pregnant and he doesnt want anything to do with the baby or me...ive completely fallen into a depressed state and im scared cause i dont want to have a miscarage i already love this baby to death but i love the guy im having it with too...i dont know what to do i want to somehow convince him that im doing the right thing and to stick by me through this but i dont know what to say to him hes so against it and hes 6 years older than me i dont get it...someone please help me im keeping the baby no matter what but i really want to find a way to make him come around some how please help someone!

by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 2:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Melissa_4
by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 3:13 AM
11 moms liked this

Please don't take this as a bash post because it's not...it's a reality check.

You've only dated the father for six weeks.  That means you barely know each other, slept together right away, and got pregnant, maybe even the very first time you slept together.  I'm sure that either the father doesn't believe that you're pregnant, is angry you're pregnant, is having a hard time believing that he's the father of the baby (especially if you slept together right away, after all the two of you had just started dating so who's to say you weren't sleeping with someone else, etc.), and was not ready for this to happen after only dating for a few weeks.  He might also feel like you're trying to trap him.

Are you really sure YOU are ready to have another baby (I presume you're a mother already, sorry if I'm wrong), especially as a single mother?  You cannot convince a man who barely knows you to suddenly become a family.  You haven't even had a chance to really get to know the baby's father; relationships take years to refine, and that bond that keeps a mom and dad from killing each other on a bad night does not happen as soon as two lines are viewed on that pregnancy test.  You don't even know if the guy is married to someone else (many men lie, surprise surprise), or has a live-in girlfriend.  Does he have other children?  What does he do for a living?  What is his family background?  How many children do you have already?  How old are they?  How are you going to support the child(ren) you already have, go through a pregnancy solo, and support the baby once it's born?  What if there are complications?

As much as you want him to be excited and tell you "everything is going to be alright, I'll take care of you honey, don't worry..." it might not happen.  You are asking a guy who you barely know to make a lifelong committment of time, money, and emotions.  Think carefully, and good luck.

OCALAMOMOFTWINS
by Member on Jul. 1, 2013 at 6:51 AM

You cannot make him come around. It would be great if we could all make the men that we love, love us back but life does not work that way. He may come around and help you out during your pregnancy and want to be involved with the baby but you can't count on that now. 

Now, you do what is best for you and your baby. How is your relationship with your family? Can you count on them for emotional support? How about close friends? I know that you are scared and depressed so now is the time to surround yourself with people who love and care for you.

Do you have a job? Does he? You have to start planning financially for this child now. When the baby comes, the court will order a paternity test and you can sue for child support. 

Good luck to you sweetie, run don't walk to the people who care for you, it sounds like this boy does not.

heretolisten
by Bronze Member on Jul. 1, 2013 at 6:57 AM

Firstly, congratulations!  A child is a blessing and you sound sooo excited for motherhood!  :)   

I'm one of those people who believes it doesn't matter how long you were seeing someone before conception (aside from drunken one night stands).  If the man is decent, mature and honorable, he will honor his child and YOU by standing by you through this.   

That being said, you are now a new member of the fatherless child club.  You won't be able to convince this man into coming around.  The likelihood is slim to none.  Sure, there is always a chance once the child is born that he may "think about it", but the truth of the matter is, if he does, it most likely won't be for long.  My advice to you is to spare yourself the emotional rollercoaster at this time since you're early in the pregnancy and take care of you.  Don't try to complicate matters by trying to win this man's heart and force him into doing the right thing by you and the child.  It will only cause you unnecessary stress.  It's not what you want to hear and I would love for you to be the exception, but what you are describing is pretty textbook regarding the scenarios many of us single moms (of fatherless children) experienced with our own pregnancies.  

If you do wish to attempt to sway him, keep your communication to a mature level and factual.  Feel free to share your beliefs regarding family and send him updates on your gestation.  Invite him to ultrasound appointments if you desire, but don't hold your breath for him to accept.  The hardest thing you have to contend with now is that you barely know this guy and you are therefore having a child with a stranger and family of strangers, should they ever desire to take an interest.  We all want that fairy tale ending and story to tell the child of how mommy and daddy met, fell in love and were so excited to learn about the conception of baby .. but sadly, these days, men don't equate sex with emotion and see a child as nothing more than a liability.  

Take a deep breath, enjoy planning for your LO and be prepared to do it yourself. He won't likely be there.  

sthflachk
by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 7:01 AM
All of the above
Andrewsmom70
by Silver Member on Jul. 1, 2013 at 11:58 AM
You can't make someone be something they aren't. Pressuring him into being a dad would most likely mean he'd be a half ass dad and in my opinion that's worse than not being around at all.

Give him space and see what happens. He may step up. But don't force the issue. My son's dad wasn't involved during my pregnancy but decided to be involved once our son was born. I didn't pressure or hound him. I sent text/email updates a few times during my pregnancy but expected nothing from him. He decided on his own to get involved.
cerainwondrland
by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 12:00 PM
4 moms liked this
Lmao,ur in love after a couple months???
Robsessed98
by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 12:07 PM
Congrats. It sucks, but you can't force him to be a dad if he doesn't want to. You've told him, so back off and give him time to absorb it and get used to it. The worst thing you can do is crowd or beg him. Sometimes men don't accept it until later on or after the birth. Just prepare to do it on your own, give him updates after appts and let him do what he's going to do. If he doesn't come around, you're better off without him and it's his loss, not yours. You can do this on your own if you have to. You're stronger than you know.
Oliviasmom72
by Silver Member on Jul. 1, 2013 at 12:12 PM
1 mom liked this

I am curious you got pregnant right off the bat...why didnt you use any protection? I have to say his response to this is understandable, a woman he barely knows is having his baby. Both of you should have been more responsible.

At this point you need to put your big girl panties on hope for the best. Are you employed? Start figuring out how you are going to support the baby on your own. Start leaning on friends or family for support since you cannot count on this guy to support you. Text him in a couple months after you know the sex...and txt him your due date. Acknowledge the fact you understand he is not happy with your choice to keep the baby but he is still the father. You can file for child support and patrnity after the birth and if you g oon any government assistance, you will have to identify him anyways.

You have a lot of growing up to do. I have no idea why a woman who have sex and not talk about any birth control or pregnancy prevention. Do you have any kids now?

If you are up for the challenge of being a single mom with possibly no father involvement, then do it. Your life from here on out will revolve around this baby. the father may get a new girlfriend, and you may be going through this pregnancy without him. Are you able to handle that?

dawncs
by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 12:20 PM

Congratulations! I suggest you follow the suggestion of the serenity prayer in regards to not being able to change the things you can't change in life. You can't force him to parent because it will result in horrible results for your child emotionally and psychologically in the damage done to him or her. He should have thought of the possibility of you getting pregnant the moment he suggested sleeping with you since birth control can fail. However, you can make him pay child support, and you can file this when the baby is born. However, you will find in time the right guy who will love both of you equally in his eyes and become your child's Daddy.

Dawn


Group owner of Different Learners Support Group (http://www.cafemom.com/group/118648)

ShannyLouisiany
by Member on Jul. 1, 2013 at 12:32 PM
seriously.


Quoting cerainwondrland:

Lmao,ur in love after a couple months???

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