So I'm counting down the hours from doing a double shift at work --- overnight into 1st shift. I decided to call my son to see what he's doing and how his day is. My son and I have a very extraordinary bond. Sometimes I think he just knows me so well. To those outside of us, him and I, it's a bit peculiar because we are close. He's truly one of my best friends. After making some small talk I get this text message :
DEAR MOMMY I'VE had great memories I've had so much . I love you too much , please pick me up at 3 o'clock .
From , Laz and Mama
Someone whom I was intimately involved with ... we ended things recently --- bitterly. I was very hurt by it. I was at fault mostly. But the event made realize how vital it is for me to be a good mom to my son; how it is more of a priority for me to be a good role model for him than to be a good friend to someone else right now. I may never get the love I dreamt about as young girl. But I have this: a son who truly has shown that I am loved unconditionally. And there is something about loving him that gives me a sense of purpose, that makes me feel good about my past, proud even...instead of feeling foolish and regrettable or even embarassed....even for the smallest details. I really have never have had that with anyone ... in any of my relationships, friendship and/or otherwise. Loving me makes me feel for who I am, who I've become...and whatever else the future will bring. I loved being pregnant with him. I got scared and yet even then, he wouldn't let me go.