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Too Many Transitions?

Posted by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 10:55 AM
  • 20 Replies
So. Things are finally looking up for me. I finished grad school, got a job in the area I wanted (school social work), and the man I have been seeing on and off for some time is going to be moving to the area. Its great. But here is my concern. With the new job comes money and thus the ability to move. I've been staying with my mom during school (a few months before I started) to control costs while I wasn't working FT. So once I begin work next month I will also begin the process of finding a place.

Secondly,my ex and I gave begun to discuss our custody agreement. We currently have 50/50 every other week - not court ordered - but we both agree that when starting school DD will need more consistency and so we intend to modify it so she will live primarily with me. She has said herself the back and forth is confusing so this isn't misguided.

Finally, while he will NOT be living with us, DD will be meeting the guy I'm dating and have to adjust to the knowledge her dad and I aren't getting back together (we are still really good friends).

Finally, she will be starting kindergarten in addition to the other things. School will be the first transition and the others will be more gradual. I've been trying to think how I would act, professionally, if someone asked me about all this change for their child. But its tricky... particularly the move and custody. Any advice moms? Anyone else have a child who went through a lot of change at once? I would really appreciate it!
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 10:55 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lnrmom
by Bronze Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 11:45 AM
5 moms liked this

Personally? I would let her adjust to the custody and to school before introducing the guy you're dating. I'd also wait until you were sure it was going further than just dating.

Luv.My.Kidz
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 11:50 AM
3 moms liked this

I would hold off on her meeting the guy you've been seeing until you get settled into your new place, she gets used to school and the new routine, honestly. That's just my opinion. Adding too much is going to be over stimulating and could be too much for a 5 yr old. 

Been down that road and my kids rebeled BIG time. My youngest reverted and my oldest had SUPER anxiety issues and started having "accidents" when there was so much going on. 

I had no choice in my situation and there wasn't another guy involved. I lost my place, had to move into my parents house, had to find a new job, lost my vehicle, my ex walked out on my, my oldest son's sperm donor was trying to take my oldest son away from me, while my youngest son's sperm donor was beating the shit out of me.... I was in a world of a shit storm at the time. I was in 2 court cases and fighting hard for my kids. I won both court cases and got my life back on track and my kids are "normal" now and I have a fantastic fiance... but it takes a long time to get life back on track. 

Just take your time hon.

kitcal78
by Gigi on Jul. 8, 2013 at 12:43 PM

 You are on a role today.  I liked a few of your other replies.  I may have to make a post see what kind of great advice you will throw my way. 2 thumbs up for you.

Quoting Luv.My.Kidz:

I would hold off on her meeting the guy you've been seeing until you get settled into your new place, she gets used to school and the new routine, honestly. That's just my opinion. Adding too much is going to be over stimulating and could be too much for a 5 yr old. 

Been down that road and my kids rebeled BIG time. My youngest reverted and my oldest had SUPER anxiety issues and started having "accidents" when there was so much going on. 

I had no choice in my situation and there wasn't another guy involved. I lost my place, had to move into my parents house, had to find a new job, lost my vehicle, my ex walked out on my, my oldest son's sperm donor was trying to take my oldest son away from me, while my youngest son's sperm donor was beating the shit out of me.... I was in a world of a shit storm at the time. I was in 2 court cases and fighting hard for my kids. I won both court cases and got my life back on track and my kids are "normal" now and I have a fantastic fiance... but it takes a long time to get life back on track. 

Just take your time hon.

 

easinpc
by Gold Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 12:51 PM
1 mom liked this

 I agree with this moms advice.


Quoting lnrmom:

Personally? I would let her adjust to the custody and to school before introducing the guy you're dating. I'd also wait until you were sure it was going further than just dating.


 

kitcal78
by Gigi on Jul. 8, 2013 at 12:52 PM
1 mom liked this

I will have to go with Luv.My.Kidz on this one.  My son is 16 months old.  He is a baby in all but the young ones have adjustments to change as well.  My son recently transitioned into the next stage class at daycare.  He is having a hard go of it.  Tantruming and being very loud when upset.  He clings to the teachers leg all day.  He cries when I leave him or stands by the door with his hands up. 

Ease your little one into new things slowly.  As your post reads small doses work best.  Hold off on a few things.  Wait until both of you get settled into change and new routines.  The school year is closer then I want to think about.

Luv.My.Kidz
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 12:53 PM

I have my good days! LOL Other days I'm just a katy bitch! LOL but today for some reason I decided to be nice ;)

Quoting kitcal78:

 You are on a role today.  I liked a few of your other replies.  I may have to make a post see what kind of great advice you will throw my way. 2 thumbs up for you.

Quoting Luv.My.Kidz:

I would hold off on her meeting the guy you've been seeing until you get settled into your new place, she gets used to school and the new routine, honestly. That's just my opinion. Adding too much is going to be over stimulating and could be too much for a 5 yr old. 

Been down that road and my kids rebeled BIG time. My youngest reverted and my oldest had SUPER anxiety issues and started having "accidents" when there was so much going on. 

I had no choice in my situation and there wasn't another guy involved. I lost my place, had to move into my parents house, had to find a new job, lost my vehicle, my ex walked out on my, my oldest son's sperm donor was trying to take my oldest son away from me, while my youngest son's sperm donor was beating the shit out of me.... I was in a world of a shit storm at the time. I was in 2 court cases and fighting hard for my kids. I won both court cases and got my life back on track and my kids are "normal" now and I have a fantastic fiance... but it takes a long time to get life back on track. 

Just take your time hon.

 


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Phillymama123
by Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 1:07 PM
Thanks everyone. I agree with the small doses. School then moving then once she is used to the new place adjusting the custody...or something like that. And not meeting him for some time I think is def the smartest move! I just wanted to hear that other moms have survived big moves and changes and the kiddos came out OK.
hnye77
by Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 1:17 PM

How long have you been with the new guy and how long have you and you DD's father been apart? My ex and I seperated and I started dating two months later.  We introduced the kids after dating for a month bu there was really no way to avoid it so once we were certain that the relationship was going to continue we went for it.

So the point of my tangent is that both myself and my new BF are calm and patient and great with kids.  We might have rushed in some peoples opinion but the kids did fantastically and treat each other like siblings.  Now my girls are 3 and 5 so not too vastly different.  I think you need to be ultra situationally aware and use your intuition.  You seem to be very rational so watch your daughter and if she is doing well and managing the change well.... go for it. Good luck and congratulations on the degree and the new job!

Phillymama123
by Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 1:25 PM
Thanks for the congrats! Her dad and I split when she was 2, but didn't move immediately. I met the new guy 6 mo later maybe? It has been on and off, in part because he has always lived out of state - which is why she never met him, since he would not be around consistently. We have gotten much more serious lately and he will be here permanently in October hopefully. If that were the only change I would be more comfortable but it seems like a lot all at once.


Quoting hnye77:

How long have you been with the new guy and how long have you and you DD's father been apart? My ex and I seperated and I started dating two months later.  We introduced the kids after dating for a month bu there was really no way to avoid it so once we were certain that the relationship was going to continue we went for it.


So the point of my tangent is that both myself and my new BF are calm and patient and great with kids.  We might have rushed in some peoples opinion but the kids did fantastically and treat each other like siblings.  Now my girls are 3 and 5 so not too vastly different.  I think you need to be ultra situationally aware and use your intuition.  You seem to be very rational so watch your daughter and if she is doing well and managing the change well.... go for it. Good luck and congratulations on the degree and the new job!


hnye77
by Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 1:59 PM
1 mom liked this

agreed.  I have a feeling she will do just fine.  It's been three years.  I think I would wait until October if possible but if this relationship is the real deal then you will be introducing stability in a way that she might really enjoy. again, good luck.

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