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Need advice. At a road block.

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:51 PM
  • 6 Replies

My name is Kaycee and I am the mother of a 3 year old boy. 

I just recently started dating this wonderful guy a little over 2 months ago. Things are going great! Couldn't be more in love with him. Anyway...he has an 8 year old daughter. Her and my son get a long great! Already acting like siblings :) the only issue that we're having is with his daughter. She's having a hard time with sharing her dad's affection with me. She's wanting more attention then she has ever wanted from him before. I talked to him about it and asked if he was spending less time with her and he said no. Everything's the same except now I'm in the picture. So instead of him just sitting on the couch watching a movie and her in her room doing her thing, I'm out there on the couch too and she feels left out. We include her in everything and try to make sure she doesn't feel left out. But she's super clingy, more so than she ever has been before. She cries about everything. Things she's never cried about before. She'll ask for a juice box and he'll tell her no and she just has this break down. Or she'll want to play with him and he's just not in the mood or exhausted from working all day and he'll tell her not right now and she runs to her room bawling. I don't know what to do. I feel like this is all my fault. That the loving, awesome relationship they had before is crumbling and I'm the reason for it. His daughter says she just wants to spend time with him. That's basically what it comes down to. He'll talk with her and when it gets down to it, she just wants to spend more time with him. He tells her that he isn't spending less time, she's just wanting more. And she realizes she's being ridiculous sometimes and over exaggerating things. She just doesn't know how to cope with it. 

I guess I should also mention that my boyfriend has been divorced for 6 years. And that I'm his first serious relationship since. His ex-wife is barely in the picture which is part of the issue too. His daughter misses her mom. But mom doesn't seem to care a whole lot. See's her maybe once a month. She's also engaged to some other guy and has 2 kids with him. I think its hard for her to see me with my son. He always has his mom. But he also doesn't have his dad. She doesn't understand that though. 

I guess I'm asking for advice on how to deal with this. More so not on my part. More so on my boyfriends part. He can't take the crying and clingyness anymore and he's starting to stress out about it. He's at a loss on how to deal with it. I need help!!

by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:51 PM
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by Gold Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:56 PM

Consistency is going to be the key. If she throws a tantrum because she is told no once, then dad (or you) give in and go back on your no then she is going to continue to do the tantrums ten fold. Let her run to her room and scream, as long as she isn't hurting herself then ignore her. When she comes out do not make a big deal out of it, just contiue on. You and bf need to be on the same page with everthing or she will start to use that against you as well.

by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:09 PM
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You pretty much nailed it.  The daughter is taking out her frustrations of seeing mom with other kids, a new man and you in the middle of her her dad's relationship.  I agree with Kris.  Consistency is a must in trying to teach her that her outbursts won't be tolerated.  It's going to take some time for her to adjust to new things.  New bf for her mom, new kids in the picture and a new gf for dad.  It's been six years with just this little girl and her dad.  Perhaps you can bond with just her alone.  Take her shopping to American Girl or find out what she likes to do and do that with her.  Bonding is also important with her. 

by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 10:13 PM
It's new and she's testing her grounds it's been her and her dad for a long time yes he's spending less time but she will learn maybe they can have daddy daughter date night or something just for the 2 of them
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by on Jul. 17, 2013 at 11:37 AM
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I have to agree with everyone and you also have to realize she's starting to get to the age where she needs/wants her mother more.  I know my ex step son lived with me and my ex and about 8-9 is when he would really get down and out about his mom not being around more.  She would only see him every few months.  And now your in the picture with a child and she's probably not able to really express what she's feeling because she doesn't understand it either.  She's feeling the loss of her father (not that it's a loss but your around now), the fact her mother isn't in the picture more, and seeing you with your son probably doesn't help that, not that it's your fault either.  Just hang in there and like everyone said as long as she's not hurting anything or anyone let her have her melt downs and she will finally see that she's getting no where with them.  HUGS momma I know it's hard when in a situation like this but in order for you to continue on with your relationship with her dad it's what has to be done.  

by on Jul. 17, 2013 at 11:44 AM

Everyone else pretty much nailed it. When my ex and I split, my daughter started acting similar, because she was testing the boundaries with me. Sounds like this little girl is testing her boundaries with both you and her dad. Maybe have a daddy date night (or afternoon, etc). Also bond with her, so she knows that you aren't trying to take her daddy away, and that you care about her. Especially if her own mom isn't around as much as she could\should be. Relationships with kids are hard, but it sounds like you are doing the best that you can. Just try to make her a part of the relationship too and stay consistent with both of you. *hugs*

by Group Admin on Jul. 17, 2013 at 10:11 PM

Give her time to adjust since the relationship is still pretty new.

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