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Would you tell your ex's family?

Posted by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 1:50 PM
  • 27 Replies
When I was pregnant my ex wanted me to have an abortion. I told him no I could never do that. He was not happy and said some mean and hurtful things mostly via text. When my ds was born I texted him to let him know and his response was "I hope my name is not on anything". I text him a couple times a year just to make sure the number is still current in case I need to contact him in the event of a serious medical issue. My mother who was denied knowledge of my niece until she was nearly a year old kept telling me to try to contact ex's parents stating that grandparents had a right to know. I don't know them and they live on the other side of the country. When my ds was 18 months old I sent my ex one of the check in texts, I asked him if he had told his family about my ds and he said no and he never would, as far as he's concerned he and I have no child together. I got angry and decided to tell them. So I wrote a letter with pictures and created a Facebook page in my ds's name letting them know if they want contact with my son they can friend the Facebook page and I will post pics and updates for them. I found their address in an online phone directory and mailed the letter. I never got a reply, then a year later the letter came back "Return To Sender" and it was written on the envelope that they had moved. I checked the online directory and could no longer find a listing. Before mailing the letter I had searched Facebook and found my ex's family but the only one that I could message was his brother but I didn't. After I got the letter back and found no other address for the parents I decided to message the brother. I sent him a message asking if ex was his brother. Never got a response. That was more than a year ago and now my ds is almost 4. Today I got a notification in my email that I got a message on my sons Facebook account, it was my exes brother responding, he said "Just saw this message in my junk folder , I am his brother why do you ask ?" Now I don't know if I should respond and tell him. I know my ex will be pissed off if I do but I also think my ds deserves to know his roots and know his family if they want to know him. I don't want anything from them except love for my ds if they want to give it.

Would you tell them in my situation?
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 1:50 PM
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by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 1:53 PM
I would tell them.
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 1:55 PM

Well, I don't have any family to speak of so I may not be the person to give advice on this but I'll give it a shot. I think it would be nice for them to know, as long as you fully make it clear that you're not reaching out to them for anything and you don't in any way expect anything from them. That you simply wanted them to know that they had a grandchild/family member in case they wanted to know him at all and you felt it was the right thing to do. 

But if they don't want anything to do with your child, that's their right and I hope you don't take it personally. Yes, your ex may be mad but it's not like you're trying to stalk his family to get money or anything so he should get over it. 

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 2:00 PM
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I think they have a right to know they have a grandchild.

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 2:40 PM
I would tell them. Dd1s dad isnt in her life but I contacted her great grandma n they see her at least once a year. Its not their or your childs fault his dad is the way he is so id give the family a chance.
by Gold Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 2:40 PM

Personally I think you went too far as it is, I would just say that you were trying to find out his current address. Legally he has no children, until you prove otherwise why put family through all that.

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 2:49 PM

As harsh as it sounds, it might be more trouble than its worth. You dont know how they will react or what they might try and force the father of your child to do. 

How would you feel, if after raising your son on his own for 4 years, this family wanted to try and take him from you? Or force their son to have some sort of visitation. Its one thing if his Dad wants to be a part of his life, but its completely different is he is pressured to be in his life. 

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:47 PM
I would tell them. You're not forcing anything. And who knows, maybe they are super stoked because they always wanted to have a grandchild to spoil rotten.

The worst they can say is they don't want contact but that would be their LOSS.

Your ex is a douche. Why is he hiding this from his parents? Is he ashamed of his own child? It sounds a little odd to me. I would go ahead and tell your ex's brother that he is an uncle to a beautiful little boy and that you would like to introduce him to his family.

Make it clear that you don't want anything from them but just want them to have a family relationship. Grandparents are wonderful, gentle, spoil their grandkids, and they love to watch them grow up into wonderful young ladies and men. And who knows, if they're really old then you might want to go ahead and do this because they might not be alive that much longer and you will regret not saying anything to them.

by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:52 PM

That's a hard situation. In my case the donor's family has been active in my son's life and from the beginning, almost 9 years later they are still there and love my son to death. He hasn't seen my son in 8 years, but that doesn't matter to them, we've made it very clear to each other he doesn't have to be involved for them to be there. 

And of course if I was in that position and my brother was being an idiot I would still want to be apart of my nephew's life, as would my parents. We would feel horrible if he had a child out there that we didn't know about and get to love. 

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:59 PM

As a mother of two sons, I would want to know.  And your son may want some sort of relationship and question you when he is older. I think you shouldn't push, but you do owe it to your son to open that door.  You are making a big decision for him if you don't.  

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 4:32 PM

Tell him.

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