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Equal Housing

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 9:05 AM
  • 5 Replies

So I have been sitting here thinking for the past day about how my son will grow up in 2 houses.  Mine w/my 2 kids and his fathers with his girlfriend and their baby.  My youngest is the one I am referencing in this post.  I have been the primary caretaker and responsible person that has provided for my son.  His father at best can't keep his life in order without the village helping from what I found out yesterday, he states that alot of people are keeping him on track.  Maybe nosey is what I am but where were these people when he had his 1st child and we had a relationship??  I was in the era of his friends and family where they said not to count on him and called him a failure at life.  I was his support, but then I was also the responsible one with a double full time jobs, caring for 2 children and supporting him and trying to make him feel like he was worth something and I had low to no tollerance for excuses and eventually had to let the relationship go.  My kids deserved a better mother and life without me having to reassure and support a grown man that had no initative to give 100% on making a better life for our family.  Now he has moved on with his girlfriend and they have had a baby in the 1 1/2 years since our split, I am just coming around to being a normal, functional, social human being outside of being a mother.  I am not listing this as a complaint as I have truely became a better person and I am happy that he has found someone that can support him the way he needed to be supported, I just wish that I had realized I could not do it all sooner and spared my soul/heart the damage it went through by trying to keep the relationship together.  we are currently going through some legal issues and hope that we can come to an agreement and still remain civil for the sake of raising our son together.

Moving on though, I was looking last night online and seen pictures that the girlfriend has took of our son with his new sibling they had together.  I was surprised although not shocked as I knew this would happen, why wouldn't they want pictures of him and his half sibling together, they are a family also.  My son has a picture of us (myself, his father and half brother(my son) and himself together) in his room.  I know we are 2 seperate families now, but is it so bad that we have to be seperate families, I hope to be the type of mother and person that if my son wanted to have pictures of his half sibling from his dad in his room at our home that surely I would be ok with it.  Am I not to want to see my child with his new half sibling that makes him smile?  I may not want to be all chummy with them as a family and schdeule family dinners with them at this point (see above, just staring to come around to not be resentful) but I think of myself as a realistic person and I want to see my son happy and not be blind to him having a life and relationship with his father and new sibling.  Granted I may not have come all the way around at this point for embracing his fathers and girlfriends relationship it is not out of not liking her.  She actually is a pretty nice and caring person as far as I can tell by meeting her 1 time.  I am more still trying to grip that a relationship that took 5 years in the making was threw away in a matter of a couple months and she was pregnant  within 6 months.  Thats a hard thing to deal with even when you do the leaving.

Any single mom's have a working relationship with your ex's that you have children with?  How long did it take?  Are you and the current girlfriend/wife friends?  Do you have family activities with or without the girlfriend/wife (children, you and father with or without your current spouses)?  How did these realtionships come about?  I just want the best for my child and don't want to force a relationship with the other family, but believe that I can and should be open to one for the sake of my child's happiness and future.  

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 9:05 AM
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Replies (1-5):
by Gold Member on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:17 AM

group hug

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 1:05 PM

My ds is now 29.  I booted my ex when I was pregnant with DS because I was working one FT and two PT jobs to make ends meet and he worked one job that he lost and didn't contribute a dime plus I heard he was cheating.  He bounced to wife #2 who had five kids at home, but claimed he wasn't ready for the responsibility of what turned out to be his only biokid.  So, there were hard feelings there and I really actively discouraged any kind of contact.  It took me years to realize the damage that did to my ds.  Eventually, I came to like and communicate with wife #2 (but we're talking almost 13 years).

With ex#2, biodad to my dd19, things were different.  We split because we just couldn't get along (both financial and personality issues) and I couldn't tolerate one more minute of our arguing.  As parents though we got along and still do and my dd is so much better off emotionally than my ds as a result.  After the divorce, because dd was 7, we chose to share holidays...and I mean sit down and have Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinner together with ex, his mom, my mom, my bf.  It sure doesn't work for everyone, but it worked for us.  

by on Jul. 31, 2013 at 5:23 PM
My 2 dds have different dads and neither have younger siblings, but both have older sisters who accept my other dd as their sister too. I still claim all of both bds' kids and they will always be part of our family (as will bd1 - bd2 not). We've always kept pics of both of their other sisters out and pics of my girls are kept out at both of their dad's too. Damn, talk about confusing. Lol. In other words, your child has another side to his family that is just as important to him as your side. Your personal feelings about the ex and his new family have to be put aside for your child. You need to accept his siblings for ds's sake.
by Group Admin on Jul. 31, 2013 at 10:35 PM

My ex and I get along really well. I recently (almost a year ago) started talking to his dd's mom. A lot of things were said and done in the past, but the kids are old enough to talk to each other without parental interference so they talk occasionally.
He also has a son who just turned one. Ds goes over to see him pretty regularly. The mother and I do not get along at all. She says I'm the reason they didn't work out.

by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 11:19 AM

 I can understand how you feel. Right now I have custody of my SS, and I'm some what friends whith his bio Mom. We talk and have met up and such. I'd LOVE for our situation to be some what of a co-parenting family type thing with us... sadly it will never be because SS BIO Mom has a boyfriend whom abuses her and my SS and she is a BAD hoarder whome refuses to get help (hints why I have custody of SS). She's brainwashed by her BF, but, when she is alone, she is some what desent. Also, SS has a half brother and he loves him and we always encourage that. At times it is hard, and hurtful because the kids are way to young to totally grasp our life situations... but, I've always been strong on the fact that if you act loving towards either other (Bio parents new g.f or b/f or husband/wife and half siblings) the child will too. It teachers them that we don't have to hate each other.

*~*Mommy to Allyana(7.5.08), StepMom to Aidan(6.5.07), & My Angel Baby Jovanny(3.6.10)*~*

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