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what to put on paper

Posted by on Aug. 28, 2013 at 11:44 PM
  • 15 Replies
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What are things that you asked for, or have wished that you asked for, in your divorce/custody?
I have my meeting tomorrow to get this started. Finally have the money. I am so exited!
I am going to start with the basics and see if he fights. He has not seen them in almost 7 weeks so I don't know how to.do that. I am thinking of maybe 2 days a month. He wants them on school nights when he does want them so I am going to make sure that there bedtime is taking care of.
add that he needs to take parenting classes.
Half of childcare.
Half of Med expense for kids. To include the one a few days ago.
I claim them on my taxes.
He is not allowed to bring them to his place w his girlfriend (they are currently living together).
Half of all expenses to include extracurricular activities. I also want to add something about him requiring to help w college.
He is not allowed to take them out of state wo permission.
They must be beneficiaries for at least 50% of his $400000 life insurance.


In all honesty, I experience t nothing from him ex Dept he will disappear for several years Ans then come back when.he wants be a.father.

Has anyone ever had luck in getting full legal and physical custody?
by on Aug. 28, 2013 at 11:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
diandfi
by Member on Aug. 28, 2013 at 11:45 PM
And add that they will be on my insurance and he will pay towards that.
Mom-does-hair
by Member on Aug. 29, 2013 at 8:04 AM
You aren't asking for enough. I'd ask for full and settle for half. Like full medical expenses, etc. also, here, I couldn't get extracurricular added as the court said it was not necessary. I also tried for future college and they said that it was not enforceable after the child was 18 or out of high school which is what my agreement is. Ask for more, be willing to settle is my advice.
diandfi
by Member on Aug. 29, 2013 at 8:38 AM
I think I will go all in at first.


Quoting Mom-does-hair:

You aren't asking for enough. I'd ask for full and settle for half. Like full medical expenses, etc. also, here, I couldn't get extracurricular added as the court said it was not necessary. I also tried for future college and they said that it was not enforceable after the child was 18 or out of high school which is what my agreement is. Ask for more, be willing to settle is my advice.

krisnkids
by Gold Member on Aug. 29, 2013 at 8:46 AM

He hasn't seen them in 7 weeks, what was it like before that?

Others said ask for all then settle for half, to me that is a bit over the top. If you go in like that you tend to look bad in the eyes of the court. You want dad to pay for everything but he can't claim them on taxes? See what I mean?

As far as not allowing him to bring him to his house where his gf lives with him. That goes both way, if you want to put that in there then he can try to put restrictions on you as well.

College isn't going to fly unless you are in a state that requires cs through college.

Why do you think he needs to take parenting classes?

steviechick
by Gold Member on Aug. 29, 2013 at 9:40 AM

When I divorced my ex he agreed to paying college tuitition after our daughter turned 18.  I figured he paid very little into raising her for most of her life, so he should at least help her out while she attends college.  Besides most kids attending college still get financial help from their parents until they are 22.  My ex agreed.  I also asked for cs until she our daughter turned 18.  He agreed to that.  I told him I was keeping the house and my 401(k).  He agreed to that as well.  I asked that he reimburse me for two loans and he agreed to that, too.  Afterall, he embezzled money from me while having an affair and I ended up paying for a new car for our daughter due to his repo.  I would have requested that our daughter not be allowed to go into the home where he and his tramp live had she been a minor (or if we had other children).  My thoughts on this were my ex decided to have an affair behind my back for three years and created two kids out of wedlock.  If he wanted to have an extramarital affair he should have divorced me first.  But, instead he and the tramp decided to have their randezvous behind my back.  I also helped finance that affair and eventually helped the tramp purchase the home they now share.  My circumstances were very much unique when I divorced my ex.  As far as him requiring a man not come into my home after we divorced I would have told my ex to take a flying leap.

diandfi
by Member on Aug. 29, 2013 at 10:13 AM
Prior to the 7 weeks he would show up once a month screaming. He was alowed to see them when he calmed down. Overnights stopped when the children started to scream that they didn't want to stay with daddy. I tried to talk with him about it and he told me if it was an issue, then he would not take them overnight anymore.
Then he showed up two weeks later, picked them up with no problems, dropped them off w no problems. And Viola no sound or hear.from him for.7 weeks.
I am asking for parenting classes.due.to.his ways of punishing. He.would hold our daughter of over a flights of.stairs threatening to drop her, bacemause he was twaching her.a.lesson.


Quoting krisnkids:

He hasn't seen them in 7 weeks, what was it like before that?


Others said ask for all then settle for half, to me that is a bit over the top. If you go in like that you tend to look bad in the eyes of the court. You want dad to pay for everything but he can't claim them on taxes? See what I mean?


As far as not allowing him to bring him to his house where his gf lives with him. That goes both way, if you want to put that in there then he can try to put restrictions on you as well.


College isn't going to fly unless you are in a state that requires cs through college.


Why do you think he needs to take parenting classes?


diandfi
by Member on Aug. 29, 2013 at 10:14 AM
I am having a hard time typing today.
diandfi
by Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 10:29 PM
Before that he would stop by for abt 2 hours every two weeks. When we we're living together, he would shut himself in his room and.come out to say good night BC I asked him too.
I am okay w asking for claiming them on taxes, because his cs does not cover a third of what is required to even feed these children. I am fine with the girlfriend, BC I am okay w having the same standards for myself.
I know college is a long shot, but go big right?
He needs parenting classes due to his behavior towards the children. He doesn't know how to handle their tantrums. He thinks that yelling and using other acts of punishment are acceptable. If I can get them quiet by talking to.them, then he would be able to to.


Quoting krisnkids:

He hasn't seen them in 7 weeks, what was it like before that?


Others said ask for all then settle for half, to me that is a bit over the top. If you go in like that you tend to look bad in the eyes of the court. You want dad to pay for everything but he can't claim them on taxes? See what I mean?


As far as not allowing him to bring him to his house where his gf lives with him. That goes both way, if you want to put that in there then he can try to put restrictions on you as well.


College isn't going to fly unless you are in a state that requires cs through college.


Why do you think he needs to take parenting classes?


diandfi
by Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 10:32 PM
My biggest issue w the girlfriend is that my children are so young and they don't understand. Daddy left to be w this girl and for them.to go into a house that is already set up and thriving w out them will be confusing. He refuses to talk to them and explain anything. She also has two babies of her own that are periodically in the home.


Quoting steviechick:

When I divorced my ex he agreed to paying college tuitition after our daughter turned 18.  I figured he paid very little into raising her for most of her life, so he should at least help her out while she attends college.  Besides most kids attending college still get financial help from their parents until they are 22.  My ex agreed.  I also asked for cs until she our daughter turned 18.  He agreed to that.  I told him I was keeping the house and my 401(k).  He agreed to that as well.  I asked that he reimburse me for two loans and he agreed to that, too.  Afterall, he embezzled money from me while having an affair and I ended up paying for a new car for our daughter due to his repo.  I would have requested that our daughter not be allowed to go into the home where he and his tramp live had she been a minor (or if we had other children).  My thoughts on this were my ex decided to have an affair behind my back for three years and created two kids out of wedlock.  If he wanted to have an extramarital affair he should have divorced me first.  But, instead he and the tramp decided to have their randezvous behind my back.  I also helped finance that affair and eventually helped the tramp purchase the home they now share.  My circumstances were very much unique when I divorced my ex.  As far as him requiring a man not come into my home after we divorced I would have told my ex to take a flying leap.


woodstock525
by on Sep. 11, 2013 at 11:46 AM

Regarding your desire to include college costs in the court order.  In most states (not all), parents are not forced to pay for their child's college education.  Could you imagine where many familes would be financially if they were mandated to not only raise their kids but also pay 100% of the tuition costs for every child?  Personally, I don't see why if parents who are together can make non-binding financial decisions about where they can afford to send their children to college, that parents who are divorced are wanting to force each other into a binding contract to pay for something that far in the future without knowing what their financial situations will be at the time.  Bottom line...if your state is one of the most that don't require college costs to be in the decree and he does not agree to pay for college, your divorce can be approved without that clause in there.

With this type of situation, since you don't know what the future may hold, if you do end up with it in your CO, remember that if you are both court ordered to pay for 50% of college costs that if your relationship with your child isn't good, the child could sue you both to force you both to pay for what they want (I speak from experience here as a college counselor).  Plus if at the time the child goes to college you are making 25% of you and your ex's combined salaries (or he is making just 25% of yours) it may not be financially beneficial to you to agree to 50%.

If it does go into the CO, then you need to specify that the child is required to maintain a certain GPA in high school and in college in order for financial assistance from the parents to occur and that the child must sign a release of information for both parents to have access to their bursar account and grades.  Since most college majors require at least a 2.5-2.75 to be competitive, you can put that in there.  Just because you pay the college bills does not give you as a parent any access whatsoever to your college student's grades, bill, financial aid records or anything. 

I would also add that the child is required to apply for all potential scholarships and grants for college and that they must maintain full time enrollment.  Further, I would put a time limit of four years after high school graduation to complete the college degree and that the student is required to purchase used books when available and sell them back and use the proceeds to purchase books for the next semester.

I would suggest adding language that limits the combined cost of tuition that both parents are responsible for to no more than the average cost of attendance at a state university in your resident state.  And, take a look at what that is now so that you can plan ahead for your 50%.  It's not as cheap as you might think.  Can you imagine what it might cost you to pay for this if your child decided to attend Harvard or another expensive private college?  

Finally, my experience with many college students whose parents pay for 100% of their college education is that there are way too many who do not appreciate this sacrifice on the part of their parents.  I have seen way too many who party and get poor grades, drop classes and such because they are not paying for their education.  They are not vested in the experience.  I would strongly urge that if you want to put anything into the CO, that you include something that the student is responsible for paying...their books and supplies and a portion of their college costs is a good idea.  When they are paying for it, they are much more likely to choose an affordable college, apply for scholarship and grant dollars, and take it more seriously.

Seriously think about what you are asking for when you put something like college costs in the CO. You may end up financially responsible for more than you expect and not screwing the ex over as much as you thought.

I saw this happen with someone else.  Child had a 3.7 gpa in hs, but because bm and child wanted to stick it to the NCP, the child applied for no scholarships whatsoever.  Out of a high school graduating class of 130, the child was one of only 23 students who received no scholarships.  When bm realized she had to cover 50% of all the costs, she manipulated the child into attending a cheap local community college to start.  The child bought all new books (no used) and did okay the first term.  She returned the books, but used the money on socializing instead of toward books for the next term...and parents were stuck with $400 each for book costs for another term.  That term, the child partied too much and flunked out.  Parents were out the book costs and the tuition.  Bm paid for kid to retake the classes, she went back to school at both parent's cost for another term...partied again and parents were out more money.  Lesson learned...this happens alot.

Another true story....parent paid for kid to attend 4 year college where I worked.  Kid did one semester.  After that, he would register for classes, have parents pay for tution, fees and send money for books.  Then, kid would drop the classes first day and have the refund sent to him where he pocketed it.  Parents did not find out until senior year when they called the college to find out why they hadn't gotten any info on graduation.  You need to have college age kids sign a FERPA release.

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