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when your 4yo doesn't want to go on visitation

Posted by on Sep. 6, 2013 at 6:41 PM
  • 30 Replies
My ex and I have been separated for a year and a half. My 4year old son does not want to go on the court ordered weekly visitation for weekend overnights. He gets hysterical. This weekend I finally had enough and told him I was not sending our son. Our 6 year old daughter went. Is there anything I can legally do for my son?
by on Sep. 6, 2013 at 6:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
krisnkids
by Gold Member on Sep. 6, 2013 at 8:27 PM

No, legally you can be the adult and tell the 4 year old he is going to dad's house. If  you do this a lot, legally dad will have grounds for change of custody because you aren't providing the child for visitation. 

As a parent, talk going to dad's up, be excited about it. Little ones worry that things will change if they aren't there. Be consistent, do not let him choose. Oh and next time it's dad's visitation weekend will be worse now that you let him choose. If I were you I'd pack kiddo up and take him to his dad's, or next time it will be hell. 

cjsmom1
by Gold Member on Sep. 6, 2013 at 10:06 PM
You can get in trouble for not making him go. Have you asked ds why he doesn't want to go?
woodstock525
by on Sep. 6, 2013 at 11:32 PM

What does his dad say about why he thinks your son doesn't want to visit?  What about your other child?  What do they think?

FireMoonGypsy
by on Sep. 6, 2013 at 11:45 PM

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to go? 

As the order stands you will have an uphill battle on your hands. Was your ex abusive in any way? Is there something going on that is scaring your kid? Document everything. 

My ex unfortunately was not a good parent. My son got hurt, he came back in tears everytime, asking me if I loved him and I would find out my ex was telling him I hated him and was going to leave him (which I would NEVER do, that boy is my world) filling his head with lies...the first night after every time he went over there, he would soil his bed and have terrible nightmares, and he was even having issues in his preschool. I was documenting everything and was even considering taking him to a psychologist because he was scared to talk to us...

My ex ended up dropping contact and has moved twice in 7 months, we don't know where he is. Once he was out of the picture, the nightmares stopped, we haven't had any accidents, and he started excelling in school. The behavioral problems are a fraction of what they were, his relationship with my husband is back to where it was before he started having to see his bio dad, and he doesn't ask me anymore if I love him or I'm going to leave him. No more crying in the middle of the night that I was going to desert him. Later, he started opening up about some of the stuff happening over there, including the cops getting called out to his dad's place while he was there, he thought because his dad and dad's gf were being "way too loud fighting" and he was scared and wanted to call me and his dad yelled at him and told him no...among other things...it was just bad. 

Maybe he is scared? Does he have a reason to be scared of your ex? I am hoping it's not like that for him, because it's hard to modify court ruling unless you have concrete evidence of things happening. 

"The truth is not always beautiful, nor beautiful words the truth" - Lao Tzu

heretolisten
by Bronze Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 7:56 AM
1 mom liked this

It's sad that the consensus is favorable for the father in this matter (do what the court order says or suffer the consequences) when the courts are supposed to be looking out for the child's best interest. If a child is demonstrating an emotional response regarding a person or venture, that's a red flag IMO, especially at 4 and personally, I think I would be consulting with a member of the court who oversaw the visitation order and perhaps have it adjusted ... in the best interest of the child.  

Andrewsmom70
by Silver Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 8:17 AM

Unless you can provide proof that something is going on to harm your child, you are required to send him.

krisnkids
by Gold Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 8:17 AM
2 moms liked this

Actually most of us I would venture to say are in favor of a child getting the privilege of being raised by both parents. She sent the 6 year old daughter so I would think that the dad can't be all that horrible, my guess is that the 4 year old is going through a lot of crap with mom and dad being separated, school just starting, and Lord knows what else. The fact is that many 4 year olds throw temper tantrums to get what they want, hell if I could get away with it I would probably do the same thing. If you give in once to that tantrum the next time will be that much harder to say no because the kid already got away with it once. 


Quoting heretolisten:

It's sad that the consensus is favorable for the father in this matter (do what the court order says or suffer the consequences) when the courts are supposed to be looking out for the child's best interest. If a child is demonstrating an emotional response regarding a person or venture, that's a red flag IMO, especially at 4 and personally, I think I would be consulting with a member of the court who oversaw the visitation order and perhaps have it adjusted ... in the best interest of the child.  



Oliviasmom72
by Silver Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 1:18 PM

No. the child is WAY too young to decide this. He is at least 8-10 years off from being able to decide he does not want to see the father and you not sending him will make thing worse and you face contempt. 4 year olds do not get to make these decisions. Talk to the child and see if Dad has any fun events planned. My son who is now 5 occasionally did the same thing. some days he was attached to mom. Luckily it did not happen very often and it will eventually get better,

Oliviasmom72
by Silver Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 1:21 PM

 This is ridiculous. The father has rights. Just like if if the 4 year old went to Dad's then told Dad he did not want to go back to moms, is it ok for Dad to keep the child? Of course not. All kids this age go through adjustments and the child probably is not going to do this every time. Mom needs to encourage the child that visits with Dad are fun and that Dad loves him and misses him. Zero will be sccomplished by not sending the child.


Quoting heretolisten:

It's sad that the consensus is favorable for the father in this matter (do what the court order says or suffer the consequences) when the courts are supposed to be looking out for the child's best interest. If a child is demonstrating an emotional response regarding a person or venture, that's a red flag IMO, especially at 4 and personally, I think I would be consulting with a member of the court who oversaw the visitation order and perhaps have it adjusted ... in the best interest of the child.  


 

jes_eli_0710
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 2:29 PM

I have had this issue before with my dd. Things have gotten better though. I would say send your son anyway but keep an eye and ear open as to why he doesn't want to go.

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