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Should I force him to talk to his dad?

Posted by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 8:41 AM
  • 21 Replies

My husband and I split up a year ago and he moved 5,000 miles away and hasn't seen our son since. It's been a long, painful road and several times the ex has told our nine-year-old son things like "mommy is evil and taking all my money so i can't fly you out here to see me". He talks bad about me to our son every chance he gets. Well, DS has had enough and just doesn't want to talk to his dad on the phone anymore. Every now and then I will convince him to talk to him.

Anyways, last night I made DS answer his dad's phone call so he had a little attitude about it (can't force the kid to do anything!) and the ex blew up and told him he was a selfish brat and he needed to send the phone back to him (ex sent DS the phone months ago) and also send back the school clothes, shoes and backpack he just sent him because he doesn't deserve them. DS felt so bad he decided he wants to send his dad two of his arrowheads that he LOVES because he says he "owes him" something.

DS won't talk about how he feels about his dad. He just says he's mad and that's it. Ex says I should force DS to answer his phone when he calls, that he shouldn't have a choice because he sent him the phone (I pay for the service).

Also, I should mention that the clothes, shoes, etc that he just sent him are the first things he's sent him in a year. He doesn't pay child support or anything. Now he wants to be regarded as a hero because he sent his child something he needed! And then he wants him to send the stuff back because he's not answering his calls!

My question is, should I "make" my son answer his phone when his dad calls?

by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 8:41 AM
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Replies (1-10):
moops71
by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 8:44 AM

I should add that when he told our son I was taking all his money, that was because he hired a lawyer to fight me on the divorce/child support (i represented myself because I couldn't afford an attorney). When we finally got the divorce settlement agreed upon, he quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay child support and now he sells meth.

quickbooksworm
by Bronze Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 8:45 AM
I wouldn't make him. My cousins dad did the same shit to them. He went to jail for not paying CS and told the kids mommy sent him to jail. They don't have anything to do with him now.
krisnkids
by Gold Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 8:49 AM

How old is the boy? It might be a good idea to have a heart to heart with him, depending on his age of course, letting him know just what kind of person dad is. Ending it with while 'we' may not agree with his lifestyle or his pareting abilities, he is still dad. Then I would help ds write a list of things to talk to dad about, ball games, sports teams, what happened at school, what friends did etc. You can turn this into a great life lesson for him, how to deal with those who are stressing us out.

LifeCafe42
by Nora on Sep. 10, 2013 at 9:12 AM
Great idea. You don't need dad saying you aren't letting him talk to him.

Quoting krisnkids:

How old is the boy? It might be a good idea to have a heart to heart with him, depending on his age of course, letting him know just what kind of person dad is. Ending it with while 'we' may not agree with his lifestyle or his pareting abilities, he is still dad. Then I would help ds write a list of things to talk to dad about, ball games, sports teams, what happened at school, what friends did etc. You can turn this into a great life lesson for him, how to deal with those who are stressing us out.

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easinpc
by Gold Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 9:25 AM
2 moms liked this

 I agree with these ideas.  Maybe also see if he'd be willing to talk to someone besides you about how he feels. It may be a counselor, therapist, another adult male relative/friend.  Sometimes kids are  more willing to open up to others who aren't mom because they feel like they need to protect their mom and if they tell them they are feeling bad they worry they may make mom feel bad too.


Quoting krisnkids:

How old is the boy? It might be a good idea to have a heart to heart with him, depending on his age of course, letting him know just what kind of person dad is. Ending it with while 'we' may not agree with his lifestyle or his pareting abilities, he is still dad. Then I would help ds write a list of things to talk to dad about, ball games, sports teams, what happened at school, what friends did etc. You can turn this into a great life lesson for him, how to deal with those who are stressing us out.


 

cupcake_mom
by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 9:34 AM
1 mom liked this
if this were my son......There is no way i would make him talk to his father if these things were going on and being said. Him being a meth dealer is the only reason i need for my son not to talk to him. Send him back the phone (and just go buy him a cheap one since you pay for the servise anyway) and the clothes and then take him back to court because I'm sure he is court ordered to pay child support and you said he isn't paying. And call the cops on him where he lives and tell them he sells drugs. He should be in jail
steviechick
by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 9:54 AM

My ex has put our daughter through the same mental abuse.  She's 19 and not a little girl anymore.  However, I have put a stop to my ex abusing her.  Your ex has severe mental issues.  The best thing that you can do is to keep your son away from your ex - that means talking to him, too.  Go after that cs because that is the only thing that keeps your ex being a 'father' to his own son.  If your ex can't get help with a therapist or even try to be a father to your son then you shouldn't force your son to have a relationship with his father.  It's only making things worse.  No child deserves to be treated like this.  I would be worried about how your son thinks about his own father.  I think you should have someone talk to your son about his emotions towards his father.  It's not healthy for a son to put in this kind of position.  I put a stop to my ex's mental abuse to my daughter.  When he wants TO BE a father that's another thing.  When he doesn't it's time to adjust to what is best for your son.

dawncs
by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 9:57 AM

You have to realize that child support will never go away once it is set by the courts. Already his choices in life are haunting him with his relationship with his son. Your son knows the honest truth that Daddy is not sending any money because he saw a dramatic change in income without you saying a word. He also knows that you have not received any new money since he left. He is really stupid with the path that he is taking right now on career path because you can get child support arrears once your son turns 18. Also, if he tries for custody, he will never be able to get child support due to him owing you child support.

Dawn


Group owner of Different Learners Support Group (http://www.cafemom.com/group/118648)

deltathree
by Gold Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 11:42 AM

No way!  I wouldn't.

amandacr1026
by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 12:06 PM
2 moms liked this

I wouldn't make him. If your ex wants his son to talk to him then he needs to build a positive relationship with him to where your son WANTS to pick up the phone. I say screw him. Do you have any custody agreements in place?

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