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Pregnant and newly divorced, how to navigate visitation

Posted by on Sep. 29, 2013 at 2:12 PM
  • 17 Replies

Hi,

I am due in about 7 weeks and have just completed mediation and am now divorced. I am curious what I might need to know after I have had the baby. We have worked out child support details but am not sure what I have to offer him, how to have him visit and location of visits etc. Any advise would be helpful. I plan to breast feed and want nothing more than to be focused on my baby, not what needs my ex husband has. It feels tricky to consider having him at my house to visit but don't want to have her out of my sight when she arrives. I appreciate any thoughts,

Kelley

by on Sep. 29, 2013 at 2:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MandaMom23
by Bronze Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 2:15 PM

 Good luck, i hope things work out for the best.

Oliviasmom72
by Silver Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 2:16 PM

You were able to divorce while pregnant? Why not finish the divorce until after delivery?

Are you going back to court for visitation after the birth?

 

virginiamama71
by Carrie on Sep. 29, 2013 at 2:19 PM

 

Quoting MandaMom23:

 Good luck, i hope things work out for the best.

 

amonkeymom
by Gold Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 3:41 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome Kelley,

Have you and your ex-husband been able to discuss what you both think is best for your child when she arrives?  He may be very willing to make visitation happen at your home until she's a little older and no longer breastfeeding.  Talk to him, remember it's not about either of you, but what's best for her.

KelleyBean
by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 7:59 AM
Oliviasmom, i chose to divorce while pregnant as i needed to send a clear message there was no longer the possibility for us to reconcile. He had been seeing someone else and in the process, she became pregnant as well. All of this was discovered after i conceived. He is a complicated man and i needed assurance that if he wanted to be a part of my daughters life it was for her sake, not to manipulate me back into his life.
No conversations have been made regarding visitation etc. and it is of my thought he will need to be pro active in pursuing this conversation. I am not putting energy into him being a part of her life. If he can be both emotionally and physically safe i will support this, however, this is a man who has been good with words, poor in follow up and passive in taking positive action for change.
woodstock525
by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 11:36 AM

Once the child is born, if he files for visitation rights, those will be up to the judge.  They will not take ebf into consideration any more in most cases and they won't care that you feel that you are the only person who should be with the child 100% of the time.  Gone are the days when judges felt that the only person qualified to care for a newborn was the woman.  It doesn't matter at all what went on in your relationship unless he is a convicted child sex offender and sometimes even then.  Father's have rights and judges are confirming those rights whether the mom thinks that he is an appropriate parent or not. 

Lesson learned....never have a child with a man that you can't/aren't willing to share the child with for the next 18+ years.

austenheroine
by Member on Oct. 1, 2013 at 4:18 AM
1 mom liked this

If your ex husband is not a violent or unsafe man, I would suggest allowing him to be there for you when your baby comes home. It will build good will for the future and will ensure you get the financial support you will need.

Explain to him that you will be nursing and that the first weeks are very difficult, because you will be up and down every 2-3 hours to nurse her. But you could suggest certain times he might come by the house, and if she cries to be fed while he is there, just nurse her in the living room. The child has to eat, and there is nothing sexual about nursing. I promise. I nursed for a full year.

Your best approach is usually the one you do NOT want to do, but I have found that when I am willing to say thank you to my ex husband for any support he gives us and to be flexible, my child is HAPPIEST. Your child will be a newborn, but believe it or not, she will know her father by his voice from being in utero. You might be pleasantly surprised that although you are no longer together as husband and wife, you are giving your child a wonderful gift by paving the way with good intentions at the start of her life.

Just a few thoughts.


jamamama00
by on Oct. 1, 2013 at 4:24 AM
1 mom liked this
Does he plan on filing for visitation or are you guys going to work on this together and see how it goes? What state are you in? You really need to know your state laws because in some places if the man is on the birth certificate and he runs off with your child the law will not make him return the baby until the court intervenes and that can take months. And please don't think he is above doing that, because that's what everyone thinks.
kfrog13
by Bronze Member on Oct. 1, 2013 at 2:18 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm curious why you guys did not work on custody and visitation during the mediation session.  Heck, that's all my husband and I worked on in our sessions.  Thank god we were on the same page and care about the children more than our own desires.  Ours was a little more complicated since we wanted to work out a modified schedule for the infant due in December that allowed for that close mother-child bond, but also wanted the father to be involved early on to allow for the child to bond with both.  I'm going to have to suck it up and be around my ex, but we both feel it's what's best for the child. 

Please, please, please get this worked out now and don't rely on him to step up to the plate to discuss it.  Take a proactive stance and make sure the mother-child bond is protected in infancy to allow your child secure attachment in the future.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Oct. 1, 2013 at 4:16 PM

 you are going to have to consider his needs too, its best to compromise with him. approach it peacefully w him, if possible. the best thing for baby is to remain close to mom, especially while breastfeeding, however in a lot of states, they will tell you to pump due to it being used as a prolonged excuse by too many.

you didnt broach custody in court? i also got divorced when i was pregnant. we had a 3 year old, so we mediated custody of him, they even made us a maternity leave visitation schedule, and we were to return to court after the baby was born to renegotiate.

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