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Newly Single Mom...Abusive Relationship..Advice Needed!

Posted by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 10:22 AM
  • 25 Replies

Hello All...

I am new here. I was looking up advice for those who are single moms and it brought me here. I just wanted to get some guidance/words of wisdom from women who have been through the problems I am going through now. This is going to be long so plz bear with me...

Here's my story. I was with my son's father off and on for 6 years. Even before we got together, he had a reputation of being a womanizer and a loose cannon, but he and I had been friends for years, so of course silly me thought I could change him. About 4 years into the relationship I found out I was pregnant with my son. At the time I found out I was pregnant, he had just lost his job. I had my own place and so did he. I was paying my bills and also helping him with his, he convinced me to move in with him so that we could save for the baby. Now I feel like it was just a ploy to help him out with his financial situation.


When I was 2 months pregnant, he started getting physical. First it was shoving and smacking, later on it got worse. I wanted to leave from the beginning, but I was still in love with him (sad I know!). I had given up my apartment and still wanted to try and make it work. The thing is, when he would hit me, I would hit him back. I'm not the type to just lay down and cry. I will start throwing hands if you touch me lol. Never had I been in a relationship that was physical, but once he started hitting me I started hitting back...basically it was like we would beat each other up, I would cry...we would fight for a couple weeks...then it would calm down again. Typical abusive cycle.

While I was pregnant, he spent a lot of time out in the streets with his friends, getting drunk and being irresponsible. I kept fighting for him to be home, to care more about me, stop drinking, etc...but of course he never did. I also found a message on facebook of him trying to cheat on me with another girl while I was out of town at my baby shower. When I found it, we fought, I left for a couple weeks to stay with a friend, then ended up coming back. I believed his lies of course!

This cycle has now been going on for 2 years. Our son is 14 months now. His father is verbally and mentally abusive as well. He will tear me into shreds and make me feel as low as possible, then a couple days later he will tell me how he didn't mean any of it and he loves me. The things he has said to me are disgusting...things that surprise everyone I know when I repeat them. Recently it got to the point where he would constantly disappear. I would blow his phone up, then he would turn it off and show up the next morning wasted. I would start screaming at him, then it would get physical. He has lived in the same apartment building his whole life, and everyone and their mother knows our business. They are all friends or associates of him or his family, so they think I'm the crazy one who instigates these insane fights...trust me..I'm not. His sister even told me once "If he's giving you money, I don't understand what's the problem. Just let him do what he wants." Typical lowlife mentality! Let the man do what he wants as long as he keeps the money flowing! 
 

Finally, I got fed up. I packed mine and my son's stuff and left to stay with my best friend. The sad part is, he blames me for this. He blames me for everything. He says if I gave him "freedom" and didn't yell at him, maybe he would come home and maybe he wouldn't be this way. I tell him, I wouldn't yell and go off on you if you came home...and it's pointing fingers back and forth. Mind you, I have never done anything to this man. All I do is work, come home, and take care of him and my son. I have done so much for him. I helped him get a great job through a connection of mine, helped him get a car, pay off his debts, and save his apartment when he was on the verge of getting evicted. He is not grateful for any of it. And you know what else? This winner has tons of females after him. We live in NYC where his type are a rarity for our neighborhood. A young, attractive guy with his own apartment, a car, and a lot of money. He is surrounded by trashy hoodrats who look at him like he's a jackpot. If they only knew that I'm the one who helped him get where he's at, otherwise he would be in the streets.

To make a very long story short, he was asking me if I wanted to come back. I told him things would have to change if I did. He told me he misses his family. Then we would argue about what he had done to me and he would say "f**k you I'm not changing anything." The crazy part is, I am still in love with him. I love him for who he was for those couple of years before it got bad. I was always chasing those times and hoping they would come back, and that he would change for his son. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for loving a man who clearly only loves himself. He moves on very quickly...he is an extreme womanizer who will sleep with anyone and women still flock to him. Now I have lost everything and me and my baby are stuck in a friend's house for who knows how long...long enough for me to save for an apartment.  This man took everything from me and after I helped him when he had nothing, he does this to me. He is the true definition of a narcissist. He is never wrong...he is never the bad guy...even when he is. He thinks he's a god. 

What do I do if he comes crying back to me in a few weeks when he realizes the grass isn't greener. It is extremely difficult for me to deny him. I still crave that family life. And for the record, he is a great father. We have alternate work schedules and to save on childcare he watches our son during the day while I work, then he works nights. He's just a horrible partner.

Sorry for the lengthy post. I just need some help :(

by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 10:22 AM
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Replies (1-10):
SexyDiva19
by Alexis on Oct. 6, 2013 at 11:41 AM
What do you do when he come crying back to you? Tell him to "Fuck off" Yes you love him but you have to love your son and yourself more. He lies, you cry, you get hit, he apologizes and back to square 1 again.

Obviously he's not willing to change so you're wasting your time. If he is a good father and the 2 of you can co-parent well then still allow him to have an active role in your son's life, if not tell him to beat it.

My ex is the same way in some ways, he likes to bring up stuff from the past and just be unreasonable. It's like trying to keep a raging bull on a leash; no use.

Good luck!
woodstock525
by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 12:06 PM
1 mom liked this

Find a counselor that specializes in working with women in abusive relationships.  Calling the local battered women's shelter should get you a good referral.  Do not go back to him.  This is not love; it's abuse and manipulation.

What I hear you saying is that he is abusive, but you want to excuse that by telling us that you fight back.  You say that you have helped him to become who he is financially....think about where you could be if you put half that money and energy into just you and your child.  You can do so much better!  You do not have to save or support him.  He has proven again and again that he will not change and that he is not willing to change for any reason. 

You have identified the cycle of abuse, but you are still participating in it.  It is heady to have someone come back begging you to come back.  Just say no.  Accept the fact that he is a good dad, but that you are not a good couple.  Go get an attorney right away and file for child support and in particular, primary custody...otherwise, when you say no to going back with him, he could just keep your son and not give him to you after work as a way of manipulating you back to the abusive relationship.  There is a reason the other women don't last...they are not willing to put up with his abusive behaviors for as long as you have and they aren't willing to invest in a guy like him.  You need to recognize this and do the same.

Nisha929
by Bronze Member on Oct. 6, 2013 at 12:45 PM
1 mom liked this

If you know that he's a narcissist and a horrible partner, that should be enough for you to leave his ass alone. Whether you fight back or not isn't the point. Why would you want to be in a situation like that? Why would you want to expose your son to that type of situation? You do know that it's not okay for your son to see or even hear mom and dad fighting. I get that you love him but honey you need to start loving your son and your self more.

If he's really the way that you described him in this post, just leave him alone and be happy that you and your son are safe. I know it's hard accepting that the man you love and want to be with ain't shit but it's time for you to face reality and go your way and let him go his. I'm not at all trying to be funny but I'd hate to hear about you on the news because the man you just can't deny has put you in the hospital or worse. 

I know you said he's a great father but if I were you I'd be careful because if he can hurt you, he can hurt your son as well especially if you decide you've really had enough of his bullshit and he cant reel you back in. Leave that man alone.

MissMBx
by Member on Oct. 6, 2013 at 2:14 PM

Thank you for your response. He is one that dwells on the past as well. Since I have never really done anything wrong to him, he will bring up things that I didn't even do directly to him just because he has no other ammunition against me. Overall it is just a very unhealthy situation. I know that it is foolish of me to still love him. The first step was me leaving, the next step is me staying gone. 


Quoting SexyDiva19:

What do you do when he come crying back to you? Tell him to "Fuck off" Yes you love him but you have to love your son and yourself more. He lies, you cry, you get hit, he apologizes and back to square 1 again.

Obviously he's not willing to change so you're wasting your time. If he is a good father and the 2 of you can co-parent well then still allow him to have an active role in your son's life, if not tell him to beat it.

My ex is the same way in some ways, he likes to bring up stuff from the past and just be unreasonable. It's like trying to keep a raging bull on a leash; no use.

Good luck!



MissMBx
by Member on Oct. 6, 2013 at 2:17 PM


You are right. I have made a lot of excuses. I guess what I was trying to say is that I also began to participate in the physical abuse. This is something I never did in any relationship. I found myself stooping to his level to try and one-up him cuz I didn't know any other way to make him feel the hurt that I was....however, that never worked, it just made a bad situation worse. For example, he would begin to talk about how I look and make fun of certain characteristics about me. I have never crossed these type of lines with anyone else, but I would be so upset that I would start to behave like he did...

I am going to see if I can go to therapy. Unfortunately, the co-payments on my insurance are way too high to continuously see a therapist, but maybe I can spring for at least a few sessions to talk out these issues. Talking about it here and getting unbiased opinions is a big help. 

Quoting woodstock525:

Find a counselor that specializes in working with women in abusive relationships.  Calling the local battered women's shelter should get you a good referral.  Do not go back to him.  This is not love; it's abuse and manipulation.

What I hear you saying is that he is abusive, but you want to excuse that by telling us that you fight back.  You say that you have helped him to become who he is financially....think about where you could be if you put half that money and energy into just you and your child.  You can do so much better!  You do not have to save or support him.  He has proven again and again that he will not change and that he is not willing to change for any reason. 

You have identified the cycle of abuse, but you are still participating in it.  It is heady to have someone come back begging you to come back.  Just say no.  Accept the fact that he is a good dad, but that you are not a good couple.  Go get an attorney right away and file for child support and in particular, primary custody...otherwise, when you say no to going back with him, he could just keep your son and not give him to you after work as a way of manipulating you back to the abusive relationship.  There is a reason the other women don't last...they are not willing to put up with his abusive behaviors for as long as you have and they aren't willing to invest in a guy like him.  You need to recognize this and do the same.



MissMBx
by Member on Oct. 6, 2013 at 2:22 PM


I guess I am one of those girls that fell in love with the good guy and later on down the road when they got the bad one, they were already in love and it was more difficult to leave. I feel bad for ever exposing my son to this and I am glad that I left while he is still very young and probably won't remember the fights. I am just extremely depressed because I wanted that ideal family. I did not want to be a single mother...or even later on have to get a new partner. I truly loved this man and wanted my family to work and for my son to be raised by both parents together. I felt I didn't deserve this because I was so good to this man and I gave him the world. It's unfair...but I guess life is unfair. It will just take time for me to move on and I pray for the strength to not go back.  

Quoting Nisha929:

If you know that he's a narcissist and a horrible partner, that should be enough for you to leave his ass alone. Whether you fight back or not isn't the point. Why would you want to be in a situation like that? Why would you want to expose your son to that type of situation? You do know that it's not okay for your son to see or even hear mom and dad fighting. I get that you love him but honey you need to start loving your son and your self more.

If he's really the way that you described him in this post, just leave him alone and be happy that you and your son are safe. I know it's hard accepting that the man you love and want to be with ain't shit but it's time for you to face reality and go your way and let him go his. I'm not at all trying to be funny but I'd hate to hear about you on the news because the man you just can't deny has put you in the hospital or worse. 

I know you said he's a great father but if I were you I'd be careful because if he can hurt you, he can hurt your son as well especially if you decide you've really had enough of his bullshit and he cant reel you back in. Leave that man alone.



Nisha929
by Bronze Member on Oct. 6, 2013 at 2:32 PM
1 mom liked this

When we have a baby with a man, of course we want to keep our little family together. Unfortunately that doesn't always happen and sometimes it's best that it doesn't. No woman wants to be a single mother but sometimes raising your child alone is best for the child. My mother was a single parent until I turned 18 (my sister was 8). That is when our step dad came into our lives and we couldn't have asked for a better father. Had my mom stayed with my bio dad or my sister's bio dad, she might be dead today because both of them were abusive. It wasn't easy for her but she did it and we're all better off because of it. Of course you didn't deserve what happened to you but as you said, life isn't fair and often times its harder than we want it to be. In the end, it makes you stronger. I know it's hard but you have to know that you and your son do deserve better. If better comes in the form of a man that isn't his bio dad, so be it.     

Quoting MissMBx:

 

I guess I am one of those girls that fell in love with the good guy and later on down the road when they got the bad one, they were already in love and it was more difficult to leave. I feel bad for ever exposing my son to this and I am glad that I left while he is still very young and probably won't remember the fights. I am just extremely depressed because I wanted that ideal family. I did not want to be a single mother...or even later on have to get a new partner. I truly loved this man and wanted my family to work and for my son to be raised by both parents together. I felt I didn't deserve this because I was so good to this man and I gave him the world. It's unfair...but I guess life is unfair. It will just take time for me to move on and I pray for the strength to not go back.  

Quoting Nisha929:

If you know that he's a narcissist and a horrible partner, that should be enough for you to leave his ass alone. Whether you fight back or not isn't the point. Why would you want to be in a situation like that? Why would you want to expose your son to that type of situation? You do know that it's not okay for your son to see or even hear mom and dad fighting. I get that you love him but honey you need to start loving your son and your self more.

If he's really the way that you described him in this post, just leave him alone and be happy that you and your son are safe. I know it's hard accepting that the man you love and want to be with ain't shit but it's time for you to face reality and go your way and let him go his. I'm not at all trying to be funny but I'd hate to hear about you on the news because the man you just can't deny has put you in the hospital or worse. 

I know you said he's a great father but if I were you I'd be careful because if he can hurt you, he can hurt your son as well especially if you decide you've really had enough of his bullshit and he cant reel you back in. Leave that man alone.

 

 

 

LifeCafe42
by Nora on Oct. 6, 2013 at 5:15 PM
Agreed!!!!!

Quoting SexyDiva19:

What do you do when he come crying back to you? Tell him to "Fuck off" Yes you love him but you have to love your son and yourself more. He lies, you cry, you get hit, he apologizes and back to square 1 again.



Obviously he's not willing to change so you're wasting your time. If he is a good father and the 2 of you can co-parent well then still allow him to have an active role in your son's life, if not tell him to beat it.



My ex is the same way in some ways, he likes to bring up stuff from the past and just be unreasonable. It's like trying to keep a raging bull on a leash; no use.



Good luck!
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aparis84
by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 5:29 PM

i left my ex thre and half months ago. we were "together" for 7 years. i moved in with him after 1 by 2 yrs i was pregnant. thats when the abuse started. we moved in with his godmother and it got worse, i was basically living in a guilded bird cage. i was not allowed to talk to my family or have any contact with them whatsoever. couldn't talk to my friends b/c i was divulging "his personal business" couldn't go anywhere never had gas in the car. I left 3 days before i gave birth to my daughter. enough was finally enough. he still tries to tell me he misses me, he misses his family. FUCK YOU! i tried for 7 years and he was busy chasing tail and fucking up. (he had another baby by another woman) you have to be strong honey. nobody can tell you what is right for you, you have to know it for yourself. you found the strength to leave now focus on you & your happiness. if you are falling apart and are unhappy your child will feel it. don't make him suffer by going back and having him witness the abuse and the fights and the tears. it's not fair to him.

Good luck!!!!

*´¨)

¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)

(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤   Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ Ana Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ


MissMBx
by Member on Oct. 6, 2013 at 5:38 PM
I feel for you since I am in a similar situation now. My ex never tried to keep me from my family, but he would try to convince me that my friends and family were fake, that no one truly cared about me except him, basically so I wouldn't want to associate with anybody that could be a support system to me. I commend you for leaving before your daughter was born. I wish I could've been that strong so that my son was never exposed to it at all. It's been a week since I left and little by little I am feeling better. I've had one moment of crying while thinking of good times but then I pushed it out of my head. Thank you for your kind words.


Quoting aparis84:

i left my ex thre and half months ago. we were "together" for 7 years. i moved in with him after 1 by 2 yrs i was pregnant. thats when the abuse started. we moved in with his godmother and it got worse, i was basically living in a guilded bird cage. i was not allowed to talk to my family or have any contact with them whatsoever. couldn't talk to my friends b/c i was divulging "his personal business" couldn't go anywhere never had gas in the car. I left 3 days before i gave birth to my daughter. enough was finally enough. he still tries to tell me he misses me, he misses his family. FUCK YOU! i tried for 7 years and he was busy chasing tail and fucking up. (he had another baby by another woman) you have to be strong honey. nobody can tell you what is right for you, you have to know it for yourself. you found the strength to leave now focus on you & your happiness. if you are falling apart and are unhappy your child will feel it. don't make him suffer by going back and having him witness the abuse and the fights and the tears. it's not fair to him.

Good luck!!!!


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