Newly Single Mom...Abusive Relationship..Advice Needed!
I am new here. I was looking up advice for those who are single moms and it brought me here. I just wanted to get some guidance/words of wisdom from women who have been through the problems I am going through now. This is going to be long so plz bear with me...
Here's my story. I was with my son's father off and on for 6 years. Even before we got together, he had a reputation of being a womanizer and a loose cannon, but he and I had been friends for years, so of course silly me thought I could change him. About 4 years into the relationship I found out I was pregnant with my son. At the time I found out I was pregnant, he had just lost his job. I had my own place and so did he. I was paying my bills and also helping him with his, he convinced me to move in with him so that we could save for the baby. Now I feel like it was just a ploy to help him out with his financial situation.
When I was 2 months pregnant, he started getting physical. First it was shoving and smacking, later on it got worse. I wanted to leave from the beginning, but I was still in love with him (sad I know!). I had given up my apartment and still wanted to try and make it work. The thing is, when he would hit me, I would hit him back. I'm not the type to just lay down and cry. I will start throwing hands if you touch me lol. Never had I been in a relationship that was physical, but once he started hitting me I started hitting back...basically it was like we would beat each other up, I would cry...we would fight for a couple weeks...then it would calm down again. Typical abusive cycle.
While I was pregnant, he spent a lot of time out in the streets with his friends, getting drunk and being irresponsible. I kept fighting for him to be home, to care more about me, stop drinking, etc...but of course he never did. I also found a message on facebook of him trying to cheat on me with another girl while I was out of town at my baby shower. When I found it, we fought, I left for a couple weeks to stay with a friend, then ended up coming back. I believed his lies of course!
This cycle has now been going on for 2 years. Our son is 14 months now. His father is verbally and mentally abusive as well. He will tear me into shreds and make me feel as low as possible, then a couple days later he will tell me how he didn't mean any of it and he loves me. The things he has said to me are disgusting...things that surprise everyone I know when I repeat them. Recently it got to the point where he would constantly disappear. I would blow his phone up, then he would turn it off and show up the next morning wasted. I would start screaming at him, then it would get physical. He has lived in the same apartment building his whole life, and everyone and their mother knows our business. They are all friends or associates of him or his family, so they think I'm the crazy one who instigates these insane fights...trust me..I'm not. His sister even told me once "If he's giving you money, I don't understand what's the problem. Just let him do what he wants." Typical lowlife mentality! Let the man do what he wants as long as he keeps the money flowing!
Finally, I got fed up. I packed mine and my son's stuff and left to stay with my best friend. The sad part is, he blames me for this. He blames me for everything. He says if I gave him "freedom" and didn't yell at him, maybe he would come home and maybe he wouldn't be this way. I tell him, I wouldn't yell and go off on you if you came home...and it's pointing fingers back and forth. Mind you, I have never done anything to this man. All I do is work, come home, and take care of him and my son. I have done so much for him. I helped him get a great job through a connection of mine, helped him get a car, pay off his debts, and save his apartment when he was on the verge of getting evicted. He is not grateful for any of it. And you know what else? This winner has tons of females after him. We live in NYC where his type are a rarity for our neighborhood. A young, attractive guy with his own apartment, a car, and a lot of money. He is surrounded by trashy hoodrats who look at him like he's a jackpot. If they only knew that I'm the one who helped him get where he's at, otherwise he would be in the streets.
To make a very long story short, he was asking me if I wanted to come back. I told him things would have to change if I did. He told me he misses his family. Then we would argue about what he had done to me and he would say "f**k you I'm not changing anything." The crazy part is, I am still in love with him. I love him for who he was for those couple of years before it got bad. I was always chasing those times and hoping they would come back, and that he would change for his son. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for loving a man who clearly only loves himself. He moves on very quickly...he is an extreme womanizer who will sleep with anyone and women still flock to him. Now I have lost everything and me and my baby are stuck in a friend's house for who knows how long...long enough for me to save for an apartment. This man took everything from me and after I helped him when he had nothing, he does this to me. He is the true definition of a narcissist. He is never wrong...he is never the bad guy...even when he is. He thinks he's a god.
What do I do if he comes crying back to me in a few weeks when he realizes the grass isn't greener. It is extremely difficult for me to deny him. I still crave that family life. And for the record, he is a great father. We have alternate work schedules and to save on childcare he watches our son during the day while I work, then he works nights. He's just a horrible partner.
Sorry for the lengthy post. I just need some help :(