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He Does Not Want Primary Physical Care

Posted by on Oct. 31, 2013 at 10:12 PM
  • 10 Replies

Just wanting some insights from mom's who have fought for their child in court. My ex says and I quote "I don't even want physical primary care because I don't want her as much as you have her, but if you go for it I will too." I have a recording of him saying this. Does that help me or prove anything as to what his intentions are (he's wanting shared care).

by on Oct. 31, 2013 at 10:12 PM
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woodstock525
by on Oct. 31, 2013 at 10:54 PM

You would have to check with your attorney to see.  Also, was your stbx aware that you were recording him and do the laws in your state support the recording?  Just asking as if it's not legal in your state, then you wouldn't be able to use the recording.

Someone will need to be awarded primary physical care unless you are living together, so he sounds a bit unreasonable.  I don't think he will end up winning this one.  Joint physical would mean that you each have the child 50/50.  If that's what he agrees to and then doesn't follow through, you would need to document the child's time with each party and then file for a change of parenting time.  The only time it might be worthwhile to do that is if parenting time impacts the amount of the CS order.

hollyann85
by Member on Oct. 31, 2013 at 11:06 PM

I live in a "one party consent" state which means only one party (me) needs to know that the conversation is being recorded. I am going to ask my attorney but I'm impatient lol. I don't have an appointment until next week. The arrangment he wants would give him the same amount of day time with her as me having primary care. He knows that it depends on nights and so he's making a schedule where we would split nights but she would have to be in daycare on a day that I do not have to work (doesn't make a whole lot of sense). But I feel that this recording is a big deal because he's going to do something that he does not see as the best interest for his child. He would only do it because I am.

Quoting woodstock525:

You would have to check with your attorney to see.  Also, was your stbx aware that you were recording him and do the laws in your state support the recording?  Just asking as if it's not legal in your state, then you wouldn't be able to use the recording.

Someone will need to be awarded primary physical care unless you are living together, so he sounds a bit unreasonable.  I don't think he will end up winning this one.  Joint physical would mean that you each have the child 50/50.  If that's what he agrees to and then doesn't follow through, you would need to document the child's time with each party and then file for a change of parenting time.  The only time it might be worthwhile to do that is if parenting time impacts the amount of the CS order.


 

woodstock525
by on Oct. 31, 2013 at 11:13 PM

You could ask for a right of first refusal clause to be included in your CO.  That means that if either parent will be away from the child for more than X hours (usually 4), then they must first offer the time to the other parent before allowing anyone else (other family member or child care provider) to watch the child.  That would eliminate him taking her to child care on days that he works and you don't.  But, you would both have to abide by this...this means neither of you can leave the child with a grandparent, bf/gf, or other relative for more than X number of hours without offering that time to the other parent.

hollyann85
by Member on Oct. 31, 2013 at 11:17 PM

 The only problem with that is if I "refuse" for whatever reason, then he will throw that in my face. It's been a very messy situation so far and I just filed not even two weeks ago.


Quoting woodstock525:

You could ask for a right of first refusal clause to be included in your CO.  That means that if either parent will be away from the child for more than X hours (usually 4), then they must first offer the time to the other parent before allowing anyone else (other family member or child care provider) to watch the child.  That would eliminate him taking her to child care on days that he works and you don't.  But, you would both have to abide by this...this means neither of you can leave the child with a grandparent, bf/gf, or other relative for more than X number of hours without offering that time to the other parent.


 

LifeCafe42
by Nora on Nov. 1, 2013 at 12:24 AM
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I feel you on the impatience but your attorney will know the laws and be able to help you better
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Oliviasmom72
by Bronze Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 11:15 AM

FROR generally is for paid child care, not family. A court is probably not going to care if Grandparents or close family watch the kid.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 6:09 PM
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 and to add, to enforce ROFR you have to be willing to drag his ass back to court if he is not abiding by it. just like morality clause. you ahve th have the time and money to drag his ass back.

the ONLY thing id be willing to return to court for, ever, is if he fought me for shared then just left him w me, to get out of paying support. i DID do erxactly this when my kids were little. ever since then, we dealt w our own shit. ihate court. he even pays me directly.

my ex was a REAL big asshole when we split up. we fought alot for years. i finally got sick of fighting w him and refused to engage. i was polite and when he started, i said "we will talk when you can be civil" click. it took awhile of consistently tkaing the high road and refusing to engage. and guess what, we get along FINE now. i know its not always possible but i am willing to bet it is a majority of the time. so save yourself a lot of headaches and start the polite/will not engage now.

woodstock525
by on Nov. 1, 2013 at 7:44 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting Oliviasmom72:

FROR generally is for paid child care, not family. A court is probably not going to care if Grandparents or close family watch the kid.

ROFR, from my understanding, is interpreted by most states as being when the parent with whom the child is visiting/staying is not able to be present to watch the child (ie, if the parent who has the child will be gone for 4 or more hours), then the parent who has the child must first offer the time to the other parent before allowing anyone else (including stepparents, grandparents, child care providers, etc...) to watch the child.  The courts and some parents do care if someone other than the bioparent is watching the child, even if it is another relative, when they could be spending time with the child. 


Oliviasmom72
by Bronze Member on Nov. 2, 2013 at 12:05 PM

 That would mean that family never gets to see the child. Very unlikely a court is going to tell either parent grandparents or a close relative cannot watch the child. Outside of a grandparent or family member taking the child then this would probably apply. JMO


Quoting woodstock525:

 

 

Quoting Oliviasmom72:

FROR generally is for paid child care, not family. A court is probably not going to care if Grandparents or close family watch the kid.

ROFR, from my understanding, is interpreted by most states as being when the parent with whom the child is visiting/staying is not able to be present to watch the child (ie, if the parent who has the child will be gone for 4 or more hours), then the parent who has the child must first offer the time to the other parent before allowing anyone else (including stepparents, grandparents, child care providers, etc...) to watch the child.  The courts and some parents do care if someone other than the bioparent is watching the child, even if it is another relative, when they could be spending time with the child. 

 


 

bigmama423
by on Nov. 2, 2013 at 6:08 PM
I agree. Good luck though!!

Quoting LifeCafe42:

I feel you on the impatience but your attorney will know the laws and be able to help you better
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