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Should I let my daughter travel with her dad?

Posted by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 2:08 PM
  • 20 Replies

So my daughter is 5. Her dad left when she was 1, then came back when she was 3 and left again when she was 4. She lives with me. She's always lived with me. She sees her dad almost every day - he picks her up from school and she stays with him until I get home from work. Starting about five months ago, she started staying over at his house one night a week. 

Now her dad wants to take her out of state, by plane, for a week with his family. Knowing my daughter, I don't think she'll do well. If she does two days away from me (like, one night at her dad's, then one night at grandma's) she melts down. I finally got her going to bed on her own and sleeping in her own bed. When she's with her dad, there are no rules - no bedtimes, no off-limit foods, no off-limit TV shows (another discussion entirely). 

My gut says no. I wanted to make sure I was being fair, so I asked my sister in law if she would let her go. She said the same thing - she won't do well that long away from you. I asked her preschool teacher - same thing. I feel bad - mostly because my ex's mom emailed me saying how much she wanted to see my daughter. But I'd rather feel terrible and do the right thing by my kid than be bullied into a decision I don't feel comfortable with. 

So, what would you do?

UPDATE: 

We do not have a court order. We were never married. He doesn't want to go to court because he doesn't want to have to pay child support, so I'm not worried about that. 

by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 2:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
bluedeaj
by Deidre on Nov. 13, 2013 at 2:11 PM

In that situation, I sadly wouldn't allow it.  I'd tell dad to give it another year so your daughter has more time to grow into independence.  with her being that attached, that long of time away will not be good or her, and it won't be enjoyable for the extended family to deal with the meltdowns either.  My situation is a lot different personally, and my daughter will be spending two weeks with her dad and his family over christmas break.  But if she were like your daughter, we would both agree to that not being a good idea.

krisnkids
by Silver Member on Nov. 13, 2013 at 2:22 PM

I would say let her go. Yes she might have a bit of a hard time but she is A going with dad and B going to meet grandma for the first time. Its not like she hasn't been around dad in years, she sees him every day.

Oliviasmom72
by Bronze Member on Nov. 13, 2013 at 5:49 PM

I would let her go. This is family, he is Dad and he has seen her frequently. If you say no he just may drag you to court to get longer visits and overnights anyways. Maybe you can ask Dad since this is his first trip with her if he can shorten it a bit?

libramoon007
by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 9:05 PM

Do you have a court order for custody? If you do not I would not let her go. But even if y ou do and she is that attached I would let her go. But my dd father not in the picture I will just bump. Good luck. 

Mamavelt
by Bronze Member on Nov. 13, 2013 at 10:00 PM
1 mom liked this
Do you have any reaso to believe she would be physically unsafe/neglected (and I don't mean disrupting routine or letting her eat candy) or do you fear she won't be returned?

If these are concerns for you I would say no, but otherwise I would let her go. It is his daughter too. And he is visiting your daughter's family.she may melt down ... But he will deal w it, just as you would if it was on your watch.


Good luck however you decide mama!
Heath77
by Bronze Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 2:25 AM
If they just live in another state and you don't feel comfortable then they can come visit where you live. If you don't have a court order for custody I'd say no way. Go with your intuition.
tiafez
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 8:57 AM

who has custody? can he shorten the trip to make it easier for her? 

LilMamaK
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:20 AM

 I wouldn't allow my daughter to go. I'm in the same boat, my DD's father left when I was preggo, came back when she was 1, left again, came back in the pic when she was 4. He RARELY sees her and when he does it's mainly to see ME! He has only taken her by him sefl to Mcdonalds ONCE in her whole life and has asked if he can take her to Miami to see his family.. .I said no! Miami is only 4 hours from where we live, but, my DD has never been to his home or stayed overnight and has never seen him longer than an hour at a time. My DD is 5 as well. I explained to her Dad that I don't think it's best for her right now because things are still new and I don't think she will be able to handle being away from her home and me that long. Her Dad accepted that and I just made plans to travel to see his side of the family by my self. Her Dad had the option of tagging along (staying in his hotel!) But that way i kept my daughter safe emotionally, and I was able to let his family see her!

*~*Mommy to Allyana(7.5.08), StepMom to Aidan(6.5.07), & My Angel Baby Jovanny(3.6.10)*~*

happymommy1105
by Gold Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:22 AM

what does your custody agreement say?

woodstock525
by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 10:14 AM

First of all, what does the CO say?  If you want to be nasty about it and it's not in the CO, you can refuse and simply refer to the CO.  However, if it isn't in the CO and you're not following the CO for the current visits, then you'd be putting yourself in an indefensible position and he would have grounds to fight you. 

Yes, it sucks when the routine is disrupted, but if there isn't a concern for physical abuse or that he won't return her to your custody, then I would let her go.  He is her dad and perhaps he needs to deal with her behavior when she melts down for a change.  In addition, with as active as he is in her life at this point, you would have a hard time defending not letting her go with him to a judge and if he were to press the issue legally, he might end up with even more time with her.

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