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I need opinions on this...

Posted by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:22 PM
  • 22 Replies

 I'm 24 years old and I have been a single mom since I was 3 months pregnant. My son is now 13 months old. Luckily for my parents they are letting me be a SAHM because my son was very sick when he was first born. He is much better now. (Thankfully). I love my son to death but is it wrong of me to want to get out there and meet people or go back to school? I never planned on being a single mom. I was engaged to my sons dad before I got pregnant and once I found out I was pregnant everything went south. We don't get along anymore and he took me to court because he wanted visitation to (in his words) "practice taking care of a baby for when his new baby is born next month". The court ordered visitation every weekend for 23 hours (overnight) since my son is still breastfed. However his dad only gets him when its convient for him. So when he does get him I'm sitting at home alone. I try to clean to help pass the time but generally I run out of stuff to do. My son is the center of my world and he will be no matter what. I just have this strange empty feeling and I cant figure out why... Any ideas of what might help me????  (Sorry if any of this is confusing)

by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:22 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Kirbyjo
by Member on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:28 PM
What kind if friend base do you have? I'm sure it's challenging to have friends around your age in a similar situation, but I would suggest finding some mommy groups and build some friendships there. Then perhaps you can find some moms who you share interests with to socialize with. I think going back to school would be a fantastic idea. I don't think dating is a bad idea. However, maybe work on who you want to be and want to be around before trying to find a permanent guy. Doesn't mean don't try some dates! 😉. Good luck!
Saphira1207
by Member on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:32 PM
1 mom liked this

O.o

Why would you wanting to get out of the house and have a life be a bad thing?

That "strange empty feeling" is a combination of separation anxiety and empty nest syndrome.   Both can be remedied by finding hobbies and meeting new people.  Both of those can be accomplished through volunteer work and getting a job.  

Sorry, but I don't think your parents need to be supporting you and your child entirely.  Maybe helping with childcare, but you should be working and helping to pay the bills.  That's what single parents do, ya know.  We work, pay bills, take care of the kid(s) and the house.  We also go out once in a while on our own and, those who have the time, also take their kids out to do volunteer work when possible.


Me, myself and I have been single for 12 years.  I've raised both my boys, gone to school and worked in that time.  So, yeah, I think what you want is both normal and do-able.  But it also requires planning, focus, determination and a willingness to sacrifice some things now for better things later.

ChanningsMom12
by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:33 PM

I dont really have friends. I have a few people I text but none of them have kids and dont get it. Plus they all have a SO. I take my son to a group called tiny tots at the library not far from where we live but all the moms there are at least 10 - 15 years older than me and are all married and have never been through what I'm going through. How would I meet guys? I used to do some lets say not so good stuff before I got pregnant and I dont want that type of guy. I'm picky but I have no clue how to meet someone who would even come close to fitting what I'm wanting.


Quoting Kirbyjo:

What kind if friend base do you have? I'm sure it's challenging to have friends around your age in a similar situation, but I would suggest finding some mommy groups and build some friendships there. Then perhaps you can find some moms who you share interests with to socialize with. I think going back to school would be a fantastic idea. I don't think dating is a bad idea. However, maybe work on who you want to be and want to be around before trying to find a permanent guy. Doesn't mean don't try some dates! 😉. Good luck!



ChanningsMom12
by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:39 PM

Each time I mention getting a job even a part time one my mom flips out on me. She said my job is raising my son and I dont need to get a job yet. Child support covers everything for my son and I only have 2 bills of my own. So I'm not opposed to getting a job. I want to go into nursing so I'm looking into schools but since I have bad credit I would need a co-signer on the loan and my mom flips out saying I need to not worry about school and work till my son is in school full time. The only time I go out by myself is when my sons dad takes him and I need to go to the store. Otherwise he is with me. My family gets an attitude if I ask someone to watch my son long enough for me to go out for just an hour.


Quoting Saphira1207:

O.o

Why would you wanting to get out of the house and have a life be a bad thing?

That "strange empty feeling" is a combination of separation anxiety and empty nest syndrome.   Both can be remedied by finding hobbies and meeting new people.  Both of those can be accomplished through volunteer work and getting a job.  

Sorry, but I don't think your parents need to be supporting you and your child entirely.  Maybe helping with childcare, but you should be working and helping to pay the bills.  That's what single parents do, ya know.  We work, pay bills, take care of the kid(s) and the house.  We also go out once in a while on our own and, those who have the time, also take their kids out to do volunteer work when possible.


Me, myself and I have been single for 12 years.  I've raised both my boys, gone to school and worked in that time.  So, yeah, I think what you want is both normal and do-able.  But it also requires planning, focus, determination and a willingness to sacrifice some things now for better things later.



Kirbyjo
by Member on Nov. 13, 2013 at 8:57 PM
3 moms liked this
From what I've read with the other post it does sound like your family has put you in a situation where you are unable to spread your wings and become an independent person. So the question is do you plan on living at home for the entirety of your sons toddler years then when he starts school you start school?

Next, I use an app called meetup and there are various groups that I can subscribe to. At this point I'm signed up for a volunteering meetup and a Christian singles. I can pick and chose what I'd like to be involved in based on my schedule. You could find meet ups during a time that daddy has baby and go do something for you. That would be a great way to meet people that are like minded. You need to define who you want to be. That will help you steer clear of the negative situations you were part if in the past. You could meet guys online, but honestly I think you need to stretch your wings before you date. You need some self identity before you look for a guy. Who are you? Where do you see your self heading? What do you want from life?


Quoting ChanningsMom12:

I dont really have friends. I have a few people I text but none of them have kids and dont get it. Plus they all have a SO. I take my son to a group called tiny tots at the library not far from where we live but all the moms there are at least 10 - 15 years older than me and are all married and have never been through what I'm going through. How would I meet guys? I used to do some lets say not so good stuff before I got pregnant and I dont want that type of guy. I'm picky but I have no clue how to meet someone who would even come close to fitting what I'm wanting.



Quoting Kirbyjo:

What kind if friend base do you have? I'm sure it's challenging to have friends around your age in a similar situation, but I would suggest finding some mommy groups and build some friendships there. Then perhaps you can find some moms who you share interests with to socialize with. I think going back to school would be a fantastic idea. I don't think dating is a bad idea. However, maybe work on who you want to be and want to be around before trying to find a permanent guy. Doesn't mean don't try some dates! 😉. Good luck!





A-nony-mous
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 2:12 AM
3 moms liked this

I agree with Kirbyjo. 

It sounds like your family is trying to do the right thing but are misguided on what is actually helping and what is hindering. 

Keeping you trapped at home and dependent on them is not helpful. You are not a 16 year old teenage mother. You are a 24 year old adult woman. And your son is not an infant anymore who needs to be around you every moment of the day. You absolutely should be getting a job and working towards independence. If your son is only 1 now, you'll be almost 30 before he's in school full-time. That doesn't look good on a resume and makes it difficult to get employment. It's also difficult to go back to school after being out so long. 

I would also say that it actually gets more difficult to go back to school with an older child. School doesn't run as long as daycare hours. Older children also want to have playdates, do extra curriculars and so forth.

There's just so many ways that doing nothing for the next 4-6 years is really a bad idea and setting you and your child up for life to be much scarier and harder than it needs to be.

If you want to stay at home, at least make the most of your time there with no bills and work and save your money so you can do something with it like paying for school, getting your own car, putting a downpayment on house or having a good rental cushion to move out. But just paying for some diapers and doing nothing for the next 5 years is a bad idea. :-/ 

tiafez
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:00 AM
3 moms liked this

can you do school online? start apart time job a couple hours a week? join a church group, a volunteer group, aclub?  you're stagnating and that's not good for you or your son, 

LilMamaK
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:14 AM
2 moms liked this

 I thnk it's only healthy for you to get out and do your own thing from time to time hun! That doesn't make you a bad Mom! You NEED that space and time alone. I think getting back into school or getting a part time job would be perfect! It will allow you to get your own identity. Go out with friends or set up play dates. Live life! ::HUGS::

*~*Mommy to Allyana(7.5.08), StepMom to Aidan(6.5.07), & My Angel Baby Jovanny(3.6.10)*~*

ChanningsMom12
by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 2:00 PM
I can only do a few classes online. I'm wanting to ba an RN


Quoting tiafez:

can you do school online? start apart time job a couple hours a week? join a church group, a volunteer group, aclub?  you're stagnating and that's not good for you or your son, 


ChanningsMom12
by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 2:02 PM
I agree. Are there jobs out there that I could work from home to keep my family happy and me from losing my mind??


Quoting A-nony-mous:

I agree with Kirbyjo. 

It sounds like your family is trying to do the right thing but are misguided on what is actually helping and what is hindering. 

Keeping you trapped at home and dependent on them is not helpful. You are not a 16 year old teenage mother. You are a 24 year old adult woman. And your son is not an infant anymore who needs to be around you every moment of the day. You absolutely should be getting a job and working towards independence. If your son is only 1 now, you'll be almost 30 before he's in school full-time. That doesn't look good on a resume and makes it difficult to get employment. It's also difficult to go back to school after being out so long. 

I would also say that it actually gets more difficult to go back to school with an older child. School doesn't run as long as daycare hours. Older children also want to have playdates, do extra curriculars and so forth.

There's just so many ways that doing nothing for the next 4-6 years is really a bad idea and setting you and your child up for life to be much scarier and harder than it needs to be.

If you want to stay at home, at least make the most of your time there with no bills and work and save your money so you can do something with it like paying for school, getting your own car, putting a downpayment on house or having a good rental cushion to move out. But just paying for some diapers and doing nothing for the next 5 years is a bad idea. :-/ 


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